He's Bored

A few days ago Paul approached a subject with me that he thought was going to just devastate me and he was reticent to open up about the matter (which is unusual for him). When he finally told me I was sort of surprised that he had worried so much. He admitted that he was sort of bored with me. Actually, it makes me kind of laugh. I am bored with myself a lot of the time too! He said, "you've pigeon holed yourself into kids and church and that is it. Can we please talk about something else?!" I completely agreed. I spend all my time on kids and church and art, (but the art part is only in my head and Paul doesn't really get excited about talking about non existent paintings and such,) so I've been pretty shallow in areas beyond my kids and my faith. As I thought about this, first I completely forgave him for being bored with me. He goes to work and conventions and spends his time with some of the smartest people in the country, and then comes home to me. I'm at home making apricot leather and cleaning up excrement and endlessly picking up toys and rocking babies all day long. Pretty riveting.

Still, It occurred to me that we have only been married a mere 7 years. 7 years in an eternal perspective is such a short time. In fact, we are still like babies at this whole "oneness" thing. When I look at couples who have been married 50 years and worked hard at it the whole time, I'm amazed at how they work together like two parts of the same machine. When I watch my children going through their stages, I may feel like they are going to do some annoying behavior forever, but then all of the sudden they are over it (and onto a new one of course.) This wonderful time when we are parents of little little guys is going to be such a short moment in that big eternal togetherness we have and in this moment we get the chance to learn SO much. We get to learn about selflessness, about patience, let me say that again, patience, seeing beyond the moment, allowing those little guys agency to discover who they really are, restraint, temperance, logical consequences, teaching, modeling behavior and most of all love. In all of eternity, as far as I know, this will be the only time these little spirits are babies; and we get to experience it! What a miracle right?!

And giving my service to building the kingdom of God; well, that's just what I do and always will do. That's what I'm here for and I can't change that.

So even though I do feel like I have a multitude of various talents and interest simmering inside but not displayed at the moment, I feel like getting really deep in kids and church is what is mandatory right now. Gratefully, I am assured that there are other stages of my life that will look a lot different. There will be a decades ahead when I have time to be back in school, maybe teach, paint a lot, sew, maybe become a counselor, lots of yoga, interior design, take care of grand kids, go on a mission, study entomology, biology, sculpt, read a ton, and travel. Life is beautiful, and I feel like there will be a moment for everything, maybe not all in this life. This moment in time is a beautiful stage of life. I'll admit, it's tear your hair out boring sometimes, but in truth, it's remarkable underneath the mundane. In my moments of selfishness; which we are allowed; I yearn for the next stage or for that authentic me that doesn't have to do the dishes constantly to be allowed to breath. But, all in due time.

A few years ago when Paul was playing online video games all the time, I was BORED to death with him. The cool thing is that when I finally confessed to him that while he played online with all his buddies all the time, I was upstairs crying in my journal and feeling deserted; he changed. He gave up the game.. for me. And I know he didn't like giving it up, but he did.

I told Paul to try to remember that I am an iceberg, as we all are. And there is so much more of me to come. :) And in the meantime, I am going to try to have something more of interest to say when he comes home, and hone my depleted conversation skills if possible. He deserves that at least! I do feel glad that he trusted me to tell me his feelings because I know by telling me he knows there is more to me that he wants to see. I also know that he believes that I love him enough to change too, and I will. Marriage is fun, and so much better when you have an eternal perspective and a sense of humor.