Joren 4yrs 2 months

My Joren.
I remember thinking I would never live through the stage when Eirik insisted on wearing snow pants and boots in 90 degree summer weather.  It made me crazy, but even that did not prepare me for Joren insisting on wearing a short sleeve shirt and going barefoot all winter.  It is making me crazy.  I don't mind being hot, but being cold incapacitates me.  Joren doesn't seem to mind.  He goes outside with no protection and comes in red and frozen and crying and then does it again the next day.  Ahhh!  He is so frustrating and stubborn.  He wears the same t-shirts every day and hates the clothes I pick.  I guess I should have been prepared for that one too.  I forget so fast.  Writing this reminds me that it will probably pass and be replaced with some other stubborn habit.  I should be glad for this one right?  "yesterday he was so hot he said, "I just really need to get my shirt off recently right now!"

He is also bent on calling me the stupidest mom ever about 54 times a day.  Unless, otherwise I am "the best mom in the whole entire history of the university of moms, even better than a blue whale, even better than a worm, even better than vis whole entired house!!!!"  He sometimes snuggles up, (which usually end in me getting hurt somehow because the kid is not capable of touching someone without crashing into, grabbing, bouncing off of or smashing you) and says, "I wuv you mom.  You're even better van a brown bat!"  (um.. thanks, I think.)  It's a love/ hate relationship.  That swings both ways.  That kind of works with a random comment he said the other day.  Out of the blue he said, "Mom, our family has medium love."  I'm not exactly sure what he meant, but maybe he meant that half of the time he feels loved and half of the time he can tell I am gritting my teeth and trying not to scream.

At the park Joren latched on to a certain stick he found.  He told me it was special because it was a bull's tusk.

On the way home that day he asked me how long the future is.

I was doing a food order with a lady in my ward who has made a pretty hard life for herself.  I had to laugh, (later, after I left) when she told me that her daughter has a good shoulder on her head.  I pray for her. :)

I asked the boys how they get the priesthood.  They both thought for a while and then Eirik said, "well, you have to save a princess."

Ice Daze at Erie Metro Park

Our metro park is always a special place.  We frequent the nature museum there, but today was deliciously surprising.  It was the annual Ice Daze weekend.  We went before lunch and all the boys got to ride together on a wooden sled pulled by a team of 6 gorgeous huskies.  The boys loved the dogs and got a great thrill being pulled through the 4" of freshly fallen snow.  (It happened to be our first real snow of the season that fell just last night!)  I was just amazed at how tiny the huskies were.  I'm getting pretty used to our mammoth Tor and bitty little huskies pulling a sled with 4 people kind of shocked me.  The museum curator named Jerry was sculpting a tree out of two blocks of ice in front of the museum with a chainsaw.  I really enjoyed watching him especially because I once carved a tree out of a stump with a chainsaw and I know how fun it is.  The boys loved playing a game called snow snaking where a long skinny stick is slid down a channel dug in the snow and your distance is measured.  They got pretty good at it.  Inside the museum there was so much to do.  There was a beautiful angora rabbit owned by an excentric woman who spun angora yarn for us and helped the boys make rope from yarn.  There were 7-8 grandfatherly men all with white hair and beards tying flies and teaching observers about the art.  There was a fish sculptor demonstrating his skill of carving and painting.  There was a table of astronomers teaching about telescopes and binoculars and sun flares and star charts.  I would have liked to spend hours with each of these people, but we moved onto the museum classroom where sweet grandmotherly volunteers helped my boys sew fabric snakes.  Joren loved packing stuffing into the snake until it was rock hard.  The ladies helped them sew up the ends and the boys drew faces on their snakes.  There was lacing and coloring and dot to dots and muskrat puppets that you could make clothes for.  As Teig started to melt down I reigned in the kids to get them to the car before the tears of hunger and naptime ensued, but we had to catch a quick glimpse of the silver strings Dolcimer society that had just begun playing.  It was in a small room in the middle of the museum with only about 15 chairs for audience.  There were chairs open so we grabbed the two on the end.  I am not exagerating when I say that we were all completely engrossed.  20 stringed instruments including banjos, guitars, dolcimers, harps, bass, and fiddles, harmonicas and some I did not know played dancing songs, joyeous and classic song right in front of us.  Joren almost bumped the fiddle in front of us about 6 times.  We were that close.  I held Joren and Teig on my lap and we clapped our hands and I bounced them and I wept because the music was so beautiful and my boys were so happy.  I whispered to them that it reminded me of the dance at Grandma's house from the book "Life in the Big Woods."  They loved the reference.  Joren asked if he could play a fiddle when he grows up.  I wanted to put my arms around all these beautiful musical people.  I felt so much joy!  My kids faces were lit up more than Christmas morning.  At one point Eirik took a break from clapping and layed his head on the chair and closed his eyes to enjoy the music.  Even Teig was dancing like he couldn't stop even though he was about 3 hours late for his nap.  I don't want to ever forget.
After lunch and naps we went back.  A woman taught a class about owls in the nature classroom.  She showed a slideshow and told which owls we could find in the park.  The boys love all the taxidermy filling the shelves of the classroom.  There was even a foxes  head and they got to touch his teeth.  Then we pulled on all our gloves, hats, and scarves because we were headed out for a nature walk to hear the owls and it was 14 degrees outside.  We had to walk quietly down the dark snowy path.  Joren said he was glad he could hold my hand so he would not get scared and Teig was quiet and alert propped on my shoulders.  It was a mile trail so I was glad we had walked it many times and I knew the boys could do it.  Jerry, our guide stopped a ways in to play the sound of the screech owl on his recorder.  Then we sat perfectly still and listened.  It took a few times, but then we heard it.  The return call of the owl living in the park.  He called and called until when it was silent a minute we saw him sweep past the train in front of us and land in a tree to our left.  We called again, but he was on to us and we did not get to see him again, but the moment was brilliant.  Eirik said, "I don't want to ever forget this."  We were all delighted.  Walking in the dark with my boys in the moonlight I was thankful to be living a life full of so many delights and surprises.  I was grateful for this gorgeous world that we truly know so little about, even when we think we know.  And I was grateful that usually I have my husband by my side for these kinds of excursions because it is way easier to do this stuff with two parents.  We made our way back to a campfire outside the museum and had hot chocolate and smores.  The boys were the only kids and loved roasting the marshmallows and I think the adults loved watching their enthusiasm and seeing their happy faces.  It was a wonderful day. 

Read this again and again.

The Lord’s People Receive Revelation

Bruce R. McConkie

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When I was a mission president in Australia, I once said to those of my missionaries in Tasmania: “Tomorrow we shall climb Mt. Wellington and hold our missionary meeting on the top. We shall there seek to commune with the Lord and partake of his Spirit.”

We made the climb, and while on top of the peak we visited a television broadcasting station. A bright young man explained to us in words I had never heard, and using principles I could not and do not understand, how the sounds and scenes of television were broadcast into the valley below.

That night, back in the city of Hobart, my two young sons and I sat before a television set that was tuned to the proper wave band, and we saw and heard and experienced what had been described to us in words.

Now I think this illustrates perfectly what is involved in the receipt of revelation and the seeing of visions. We can read about visions and revelations in the records of the past, we can study the inspired writings of people who had the fullness of the gospel in their day, but we cannot comprehend what is involved until we see and hear and experience for ourselves.

This Tabernacle is now full of words and music. Handel’s Messiah is being sung, and the world’s statesmen are propagandizing their people. But we do not hear any of it.

This Tabernacle is full of scenes from Vietnam and Washington. There is even a picture of men walking on the surface of the moon. But we are not seeing these things. The minute, however, in which we tune a radio to the proper wave band and tune a television receiving set on the proper channel, we begin to hear and see and experience what otherwise remains completely unknown to us.

And so it is with the revelations and visions of eternity. They are around us all the time. This Tabernacle is full of the same things which are recorded in the scriptures and much more. The vision of the degrees of glory is being broadcast before us, but we do not hear or see or experience because we have not tuned our souls to the wave band on which the Holy Ghost is broadcasting.

Joseph Smith said: “The Holy Ghost is a revelator.” And, “No man can receive the Holy Ghost without receiving revelations.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith [Deseret Book Co., 1968], p. 328.)

Moroni said: “… by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.” (Moro. 10:5.)

The Comforter knoweth all things; he is commissioned to bear witness of the Father and the Son, to reveal, to teach, and to testify—and he is broadcasting all the truths of salvation, and all the knowledge and wisdom of God, out into all immensity all of the time.

How this is done we do not know. We cannot comprehend God or the laws by which he governs the universe. But that it does happen we know because here in the valley below, when we attune our souls to the Infinite, we hear and see and experience the things of God.

The laws governing radio and television have existed from the time of Adam to the present moment, but only in modern times have men heard and seen and experienced these miraculous things. And the laws have always existed whereby men can see visions, hear the voice of God, and partake of the things of the Spirit. But millions of people everywhere live and die without tasting the good word of God, because they do not obey the laws which implant the revelations of the Lord in their souls.

And may I say that the only way to gain true religion is to receive it from the Lord. True religion is revealed religion; it is not a creation of man’s devising; it comes from God.

Man did not create God, nor can he redeem himself. No man can resurrect himself or assign himself to an inheritance in a heavenly kingdom. Salvation comes from God, on his terms, and the things men must do to gain it can be known only by revelation.

God stands revealed or he remains forever unknown, and the things of God are and can be known only by and through the Spirit of God.

True religion deals with spiritual things. We do not come to a knowledge of God and his laws through intellectuality, or by research, or by reason. I have an average mind—one that is neither better nor worse than the general run of mankind. In the realm of intellectual attainment I have a doctor’s degree, and I hope my sons after me will reach a similar goal. In their sphere, education and intellectuality are devoutly to be desired.

But when contrasted with spiritual endowments, they are of but slight and passing worth. From an eternal perspective what each of us needs is a Ph.D. in faith and righteousness. The things that will profit us everlastingly are not the power to reason, but the ability to receive revelation; not the truths learned by study, but the knowledge gained by faith; not what we know about the things of the world, but our knowledge of God and his laws.

Joseph Smith said that a man could learn more about the things of God by looking into heaven for five minutes than by reading all the books ever written upon the subject of religion. Religion is something which must be experienced.

I know people who can talk endlessly about religion but who have never had a religious experience. I know people who have written books about religion but who have about as much spirituality as a cedar post. Their interest in gospel doctrine is to defend their own speculative views rather than to find out what the Lord thinks about whatever is involved. Their conversations and their writings are in the realm of reason and the intellect; the Spirit of God has not touched their souls; they have not been born again and become new creatures of the Holy Ghost; they have not received revelation.

It is the privilege and the right of every member of the Church to receive revelation and to enjoy the gifts of the Spirit. When we are confirmed members of the Church, we receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, which is the right to the constant companionship of that member of the Godhead, based on faithfulness. The actual enjoyment of this gift depends upon personal worthiness. “God shall give unto you knowledge by his Holy Spirit,” the revelation says to the Saints, “yea, by the unspeakable gift of the Holy Ghost. …” (D&C 121:26.)

Speaking of the revelations received by his father, Nephi said: “… he truly spake many great things … which were hard to be understood, save a man should inquire of the Lord. …”

Of these same revelations, Laman and Lemuel said: “… we cannot understand the words which our father hath spoken. …”

Nephi asked: “Have ye inquired of the Lord?”

They replied: “We have not; for the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.”

Then Nephi came forth with this glorious pronouncement: “How is it that ye do not keep the commandments of the Lord? How is it that ye will perish, because of the hardness of your hearts?

“Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?—If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you.” (1 Ne. 15:3, 7–11.)

It is the right of members of the Church to receive revelation. Joseph Smith said: “… God hath not revealed anything to Joseph, but what he will make known unto the Twelve, and even the least Saint may know all things as fast as he is able to bear them. …” (Teachings, p. 149.)

Also: “It is the privilege of every Elder to speak of the things of God; and could we all come together with one heart and one mind in perfect faith the veil might as well be rent today as next week, or any other time. …” (Teachings, p. 9.)

Religion must be felt and experienced. In the record of the ministry of the resurrected Lord among the Nephites, we find this account: Jesus “knelt upon the earth; and behold he prayed unto the Father, and the things which he prayed cannot be written, and the multitude did bear record who heard him.

“And after this manner do they bear record: The eye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father;

“And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father.” (3 Ne. 17:15–17.)

Then of a subsequent prayer the scriptural account says: “And tongue cannot speak the words which he prayed, neither can be written by man the words which he prayed.

“And the multitude did hear and do bear record; and their hearts were open and they did understand in their hearts the words which he prayed.

“Nevertheless, so great and marvelous were the words which he prayed that they cannot be written, neither can they be uttered by man.” (3 Ne. 19:32–34.)

Religion comes from God by revelation and deals with spiritual things; and unless and until a man has received revelation, he has not received religion, and he is not on the path leading to salvation in our Father’s kingdom.

I bear testimony of these things because I have received revelation—revelation which tells me (among other things) that Jesus Christ is the Son of God; that Joseph Smith is a prophet, through whom the knowledge of Christ and of salvation has been restored for this day; and that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is in literal reality the kingdom of God on earth. And of these things I do testify, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Organizing my life

I have a new system.  I started it about 4 months ago and it has reformed my "mom job" tremendously.  I have to thank Anona for her inspiration.
It's basically a job chart for myself.  I was getting so overwhelmed with housework and feeling like it is never done that I was burning out.
So I decided that if I could do one major job a day I could probably stay on top of it. Through trial and error I have found this works for me and I love it!

Sunday: Menu plan, FHE plan, preschool plan, get babysitters for times I need them
Monday: Grocery shop, teach FHE
Tuesday: Laundry and sweep the whole house
Wed: Finish up Laundry, take out trash, vacuum
Thurs: Bathrooms, mop
Fri: dust and clean windows
Sat: Garage, Sunroom, Toy room

Of course there are lots of everyday jobs and sweeping and vacuuming have to happen more than one time a week, and everything on my chart is always flexible, but it has really helped me to have a plan and a system.  And my house thanks me.

I have really liked having my chalkboard menu in the dining room.  It makes dinner prep so much easier since I remember early in the day what we are having, I can prepare throughout the day so dinner is much easier.  We have been eating better too. :)

I know I could make better use of my evenings after the kids go to bed.  If I write down the things I am going to do on the computer before I get to the computer I'm way less likely to sit down and waste 3 hours. 

Where to live for the rest of life

It seems like such a daunting decision. One that will effect our lives and our children's lives for the rest of our time here.  15 months from now we will be packing boxes and getting reservations for our moving van/ or vans, along with a million other arrangements that will need to be made to transition our lives across this country for a big brand new life.  I think from the beginning Paul always imagined moving "home" to Oregon after his adventures learning medicine across the country.  When I broke it to him in July last year that I was not sure Oregon was calling my name, his dreams took a back seat to my suggestions.  All the advise he has ever heard and passed on concerning this subject tells him to move where his wife will be happy so that he will be happy.  He is one to take advise seriously and so he is listening to me and letting me lead the way in this decision.  I feel out of practice or maybe unpracticed at all in making major decisions for myself.   For every major decision in my life I have been pointed in the right direction by the spirit or drug by the arm, or I've been able to follow my capable husband's lead.  I have come to trust his judgement sometimes more than my own as my ideas would have led us down much less desirable paths in some cases.  He has an ability to see outcomes very well and he is good at desiring abundance in a way that I am learning how to do only by his example.  The fact that I have been so wishy washy and confused about this decision has caused me to do some real soul searching.  I have been asking myself to examine the desires of my heart.  "The only true guide is your heart.  Nothing less than it's supreme desire can help you." Christopher Paolini  I have been asking myself where I want to be in 5 years, 10 years, 40 years and what I want for my children and husband on the same road.  Where in this big beautiful country can all of our dreams come true?

Priorities:
1st  - a place where Paul can have a successful practice.  (this rules out Utah as far as we can tell)
2nd - near family
3rd- community/ schools/ ward/ culture
4th- weather/ geography
5th- proximity to temple/ activities/ shopping


Here is a little background story.  When I was in High School I met a woman who came into Dave's studio to have her body cast.  She was from Santa Fe.  She sang opera and wrote books of poetry.  She was so nice and I loved her open heart.  For years she invited me to Santa Fe and sent me poetry books and CD's of her singing for Christmas.  I never went to Santa Fe, but I sure dreamed of going and I guess I sort of framed Santa Fe as this magical place where even amateur artists of all kinds can be accepted and grow and be integrated in a community of like-minded people.  I imagined that it is a safe place where there are so many artists that people don't judge each other for opening their hearts and being vulnerable.  I pictured a warm sunny desert surrounded by red rocks and filled with shining happy artists.  There was always this place in the future of my life that I planned to fill with the magic of Santa Fe.

In the spring of last year we had a visit from a gentleman from Santa Fe, NM who dropped by our house to visit since he had raised his family here and lived here for 30 years.  I thought he was pretty wonderful and kind.  His name was Bruno Leon and he told me how the sunroom of our house was his architect studio for many years.  I loved learning that so much art had been done in our home.  He was gracious and kind, but I thought nothing more of meeting him until a few weeks ago when we received a letter from him in the mail with beautiful careful architects penmanship inviting us to Santa Fe to work.  He described the great need for dermatologists in the area and how he and several of his close loved ones had waited 6 months to be seen by the local physicians.  The letter came after many prayers  for guidance, and I am quick to label things like that as signs from the Lord.  A few weeks after that I got a Christmas card from Renatha, a girl I had not known well but had graduated with her from interior design school at BYU.  Her card was from Santa Fe where she lives with her family.  "That's it! Two signs, it's meant to be."  That's how much of an intuitive decision maker I am.  It's sure a good thing I have a thoughtful, study-it-out kind of husband to balance me out.
So, Paul, being the super supportive and kind husband that he is started doing lots of research about Santa Fe.  He said, "you would have to pick the one place that could draw me away from Oregon."  We both have been pretty excited about the prospect of going there.  Mr. Leon was right, there is a huge need there and we can be pretty confident that we could make a practice work very well there.  3 of the 5 dermatologists are about to retire and are not accepting new patients.  The other two could not get us an appointment until 2 months later.  I called and talked to Renatha for a couple of hours last week.  Some of the things she said got me really excited and other things really concerned me.  Since that conversation, my confidence has been shaken and I have been wavering.  Here are some things I love: The beauty of the mountains and landscape, 4 cloudy days a year and mild temperatures all year, the "hippie-ness" of it.  There are tons of wellness centers, Pilates and yoga studios, spiritual openness, so many workshops, beautiful areas to explore, hike, ski, bike, mountain climb, culture, tradition, multicultural, over 100 galleries, fly fishing, horseback riding and most of all tons of artists.  The concerns are these: the schools are not good at all and I have heard that the ward is not that strong or welcoming.  There is not release time seminary.  The general feeling is that the locals are not incredibly hard workers and there is feeling of procrastination like the kind I encountered in Cozumel Mexico ie: frustrating!  Also, the nearby communities like Los Alamos look down on the people of Santa Fe like they are less than.  The houses are really quite expensive, there are only a few for rent and tons for sale and there are very few with more than three bedrooms.  it sounds like they need doctors of all specialties, not just dermatologists.  (Can that be a bad sign?)  It's an hour to the Alb temple which is a little further away than I would like and I heard that some of the teenagers hate living there because there is nothing to do.  I'm sure there is plenty to do, but I don't want bored teenage boys!  I don't want to be negative, but these present pretty big questions for me.  The funniest part is that Renatha homeschools because she refuses to send her kids to the schools and she and her husband are actively looking for a job in Oregon!!!

Soooo, back to Oregon.  Today I asked Paul what he thought about trying to buy Grandpa Rallison's property a couple of years down the road.  It is near Patty and John, Ben and Kim and Jeanette and Jake.  It is near an area where we think Paul can create a strong practice.  (More research needed here.)  We both love the property.

The nature center/ running trails across the street.  Gorgeous right!!!

The estimated price for the three acres it is on would be the same price we could buy a small old home downtown Santa Fe.  Both would need remodeling, but Grandpa's comes with land to die for.  His land is right between a beautiful new nature preserve and a huge field overlooking the town below.  It is gorgeous. Anything will grow there!

Again, the nature center, literally across the street!  I know!!!

There are tons of fruit trees lining the drive and fields for all the animals Joren could ever want.  The garden is already there and fenced in.  It's ideal!  The schools and ward are good.  There is tons to do for the boys and Paul and me.  There is tons of art.  We have no way of knowing how long Grandpa wants to hang on to his property.  The only negatives are the rain and the large population.

 In Santa Fe, I feel like I could stand out. We could become important to the community or make a name for ourselves.  We would be big(ish) fish in a small(ish) pond.  In Portland, would we even stand out?  And is this even important?  I guess it's sort of silly really to care about that.  I'm still a little girl that wants to be noticed I guess.  Paul told me that a girl at his work saw my hair at our recent work party and she cut hers to try to look like me!! I was so flattered.  I have felt so invisible lately and a compliment like that really shook me and made me feel great.  I told Paul in a fit of emotion during last months hormone roller coaster (he he) that I wanted to be famous and well known for my artwork and creativity.  I told him that I am almost 35 and I have not made anything of note for such a long span of time that I feel I'm losing my spark. I am getting old and my vision for where I would be artistically is behind.  I knew I would have a hiatus with my family and I keep telling myself it is ok and good and right, but I also get scared because the longer I do not produce the more scared I get of doing it and I am watching all these remarkable women online brand themselves and create a presence that stirs in the minds and the hearts of those who visit their pages.  I am filled with inspiration from these women who's words I read, art and photography I've seen.  I want to be a part of the online movement, the movement of beautiful inspirational things that is exploding through our amazing web connections.  I have always been driving the creativity train in my little world and suddenly I am looking in the windows and missing the stops!  Ahhhh wh wh waaait for me!    I know artists can make art without fellow artists, but I do so much better with a buddy to talk things through with and get advise from and just be with. I have not had that for a long long time and the artist in me feels like a foreigner sometimes.  I am turning into a preschool crafter instead of a fine art producer. It's ok, but I am craving the quality and value that comes from real intent suckled from the soul.  I used to just churn with ideas and now it's a low bubble.  I know I have it in me and I have to foster it to get it to boil up again.  That's why I wanted to go to Santa Fe, but now my mind is telling me Oregon is the place for my family and the creative juices will have to surface somehow there.  I heard someone say that being an artist is one of the most selfish things you can do.  I don't know who said it, but I just hate them for saying it! I hate it because I have believed it for a while and now I have come to totally disagree, because the people who have blessed my life through their art have given me more than I could ever describe.  Making real art is a selfless, soul bearing, heart breaking, vulnerable process and no one should criticize someone's attempt to show what is inside them through their art.

The cool thing is that Santa Fe offers so many art courses taught by artists there that I could go twice a year to a weekend class starting as soon as my kids are in school.  If we are in Oregon, we will be near family which means a lot more babysitters and a helk of a lot more fun.

If we lived in Santa Fe I could take painting classes from Jakki Kouffman at the Santa Fe community college for only $185 for 7 weeks.  Here is one of her pieces:

Jakki Kouffman

I am also dying to take a class from Paul Ferney in Oregon.

Paul Ferney

(I have noticed that I systematically have a thing for paintings with yellow skies for some reason.) 

Oregon could be the place where all our dreams come true, but so could Santa Fe.  Now is when we wait for the Lord to open our eyes to what he is trying to tell us.