Paralyzed

I feel absolutely paralyzed today. I have so much on my plate right now that I feel like I'm spinning in circles with constant distractions and never getting anything done. My anxiety is so high and while I feel a complete mess inside all I can do is whirl around trying to put out the most urgent fires all around me. I get something done just to have it immediately undone again.

I did something really dumb. My dad bought a house in Lake Oswego. Its a fixer upper that needed to be gutted and redone. My dad, I think forgot that I do interior design, and remembered at the very last minute as he flew into town and asked me to go with him that day to check out the house. When I got there I found out that I was hired to do all the design work for the entire house and I needed to start immediately because my brother and another guy were coming from Utah to start work in one day. Say what?! Are you kidding. How could i possibly say no? (It's like my own design star challenge but bigger!) Wait.. You want me to redraw a floor plan, design the whole kitchen, bathrooms, choose all the fixtures, lights, finishes, interior and exterior in a few days and take care of 4 kids and finish remodeling our office space. Which, by the way, I just told our general contracted that his price was too high and I would be the general contracted myself! So for that project I am trying to hire all the subcontractors by Friday and get approval on all the work from our landlord so we are eligible for the tenant improvement money. And i have to purchase all the flooring, which i just learned has been discontinued, and I have to stay under budget for both projects. Did I mention I have 4 kids and a baby that woke up 3 times last night and two kids that still have accidents and 3 boys that make constant messes and visiting teaching appointments that I have had to reschedule 4 times because people keep forgetting or changing their minds and a calling I am so far bombing because I have been unavailable. Did I mention that I have white carpet through my whole house and a dog that sheds everywhere and a house so big that we have no furniture for it and no matter what I do I can't make it feel like my home ( or clean!) I don't feel like I live here yet so amidst all of this I found myself talking to a realtor about a fixer upper house I just passed on the street on the way to visit teach the girl that stood me up. Is my scattered inside reflecting in this crazy article. I know Paul is not happy that I took the job with my dad. I know I should have said no. The guy here that is working with my dad is really happy with the drawings I have done and in his excitement he said. "this is just the first of many Melody."While that thrills me to pieces because this is absolutely a dream job for me, it also terrifies me because how can I really do it without sending my sweeties to daycare? And how can I do daycare while I am still nursing? And if I turn down the next house then the team will get used to working with a different designer and I will miss my chance to design homes from the studs out. How amazing is that!! I am just driven over by constant guilt and an inability to do what I want because I always try to do what I should. I am angry that I want to design so badly. If I am at home in my house that does not feel like mine my design brain can never rest! Never. I am always, even in my sleep trying to fix what is "broken". If I am working, I am too busy to be obsessed over what I can't fix in a rental. I have said it a million times and never found a solution. I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could sit peacefully and Exist without yearning to be fixing and create things. I try to keep it hidden from people so they dont know how nuts I am, but Paul knows. He does not know what to do with me. And I know that I am obsessed and my kids suffer. Where is the switch that lets me turn on to be a happy, laid back, funny, dog loving, soccer mom that just likes to have fun. Wouldn't that be so much easier? That would sure make all my family happier. Why do I have to be all deadlines and healthy and organized and artistic? Why do I have to be all rules and morals and bedtimes and green drinks? Boring! My kids dont enjoy me. There is nothing stopping me from being cool except me. I am just me and I don't fit in my life. I don't fit in my life.

Mom fail

This is what dinner looked like at my house tonight.
I made lime quinois, lemon chicken with onions, fresh tomatoes and corn. It was delicious and I enjoyed it by myself because as soon as Eirik saw it he said"why are you even bothering?" and the other two fled and would not come back. I'm sure at 10:00 they will be raiding the fridge for yoghurt and granola bars or bread with jam. I should just serve that every night but I just can't eat kid food every night. I just can't. Am I just totally selfish?

Hamster Mayham

We still have lots of sun and good weather here.
School started and the kids really like their classes. I have enjoyed having a little more time!
I have used the time to get bills paid, summer paperwork and tasks finished and things ordered for the new office.  Teig has had to play by himself a lot, but he's been pretty good about it.  Joren has an exceptional teacher who emails me personal notes about him often. I am very impressed.
Paul teaches his first day of seminary tomorrow. We had a bbq at our friend's, the Russells, house yesterday for all of the seminary age kids. It was a group of over 45 kids. Paul dressed up like Nephi to give his little pep talk to get them excited to come to seminary. He was great. The Russells sent us home with a tiny tiny tree frog that they found in their yard so we went to "Critter Cabana" last night and bought a cage and some wingless fruit flies to keep him. Joren named him Leaf. Everyone is happy about him except for Eirik. Two weeks ago the Russells took Eirik to critter cabana and he saw a dwarf russian hamster I have not heard the end of how desperately he needs a hamster.  I wish I could say that I am a nice enough mom that I could have three pets including a dog that I can't stand, and a tiny biting, stinky rodent, but I am not.  I have told him no and you would think it is the end of the world. You know how Eirik won't ever drop anything. He has tried every tactic from sugar sweet, to buying his own, to promises and perfect behavior (for a few minutes) to threats and crying and whining. to be honest, the whining is winning out and I've about had it.I always like to give my children what they want. I am a huge pleaser and hate to see them unhappy, but I just can't see me taking care of a hamster now when I absolutely can't keep up with the responsibilities I already have. I have a huge shedding dog and a house full of white carpet. I am set up to fail no matter what I do in this house. The kids are super unhelpful and hateful. I can't win. Joren is screaming at me right now and telling me that he hates me and that I am so stupid because I told him I am not going to buy him a new lamp.  He just said, "you're buying me that, or I am killing you because I know where dad's dagger is. Mom, you're the worst mom in the universe. You're so stupid. I hate you and I will kill you if you don't buy me that lamp. I'm serious about this, if you don't buy me that lamp. It's only $10. Mom, you have to buy me that, or I will kill you." 
I just love my Joren.

Paul is singing in church today. He is singing a quartet with a guy who is a professional opera singer, a guy who travels around the country winning karaoke contests and another guy who has been in professional choirs his whole life. One if them is our home teacher and Paul mentioned how he wanted to sing "Brightly beams our father's mercy" with a quartet and the next thing you know they made it happen. I can't wait to hear it. Paul says they sound like a barber shop quartet.

"You have your hands full!"

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I have my hands full, this summer, I would be taking myself to a fancy restaurant tonight.
A good example happened this morning when I had to carry Juni back from the bustop with two giant umbrellas my boys had insisted on taking and then don't know how to close. Juni was slipping out of my arms, we were getting soaked and just then Teig ran out of the house and across the street naked.  Nice mom moment. 
Usually when someone says I have my hands full I can smile and say, "aren't they great."  Sometimes I can laugh about the situation.  Sometimes I want to round house that judging, insensitive observer and sometimes I just want to disappear. Any way around it, I wish they wouldn't say that.

Meteoric Rise

Neil Swanson is a very accomplished Dermatologist and Mohs surgeon.  He is the former chair of the dermatology dept at OHSU and he has written many dermatology books that Paul uses. Paul was excited to get to go to a drug rep dinner last week and meet Dr. Swanson there. It turned out that it was only the drug rep, who is our neighbor, and Dr. Swanson. They really hit it off and Paul had a great time.  After the dinner the drug rep told Paul that Dr. Swanson had been impressed with Paul and that he had said we he was excited to watch Paul's "meteoric rise". 
Purchasing this practice has been an interesting emotional roller coaster for Paul. It is a huge challenge and exhilarating. His predictions are all working out to be right on, and the business is making money. Paul is not content though. As soon as one thing is working, his mind is already working on the next. He wants to open more locations, hire more docs and more PAs and continue to grow. He gets bored way too easy. He has to have a challenge to be content. 

Letting go..

"Thanks for not telling me what to eat. It tastes much better without you yelling at me."

Teig's thoughts on moving:

As I put Teig to bed in our guest room last night, I interviewed Teig to see how he is doing with the move. He said. "I wiv in Oregon now. We moved from MI. Our old house is broken , but we didn't cry.
Josh is in Michigan. He is way far away, buy he can drive way miles an hour to our Oregon house to be our friend again. This is Josh Seager's bed."
Apparently Josh made a big impression on Teig. He also misses Sammy and Tyler and Nickolas and Alexander. I miss them
too.