Paralyzed

I feel absolutely paralyzed today. I have so much on my plate right now that I feel like I'm spinning in circles with constant distractions and never getting anything done. My anxiety is so high and while I feel a complete mess inside all I can do is whirl around trying to put out the most urgent fires all around me. I get something done just to have it immediately undone again.

I did something really dumb. My dad bought a house in Lake Oswego. Its a fixer upper that needed to be gutted and redone. My dad, I think forgot that I do interior design, and remembered at the very last minute as he flew into town and asked me to go with him that day to check out the house. When I got there I found out that I was hired to do all the design work for the entire house and I needed to start immediately because my brother and another guy were coming from Utah to start work in one day. Say what?! Are you kidding. How could i possibly say no? (It's like my own design star challenge but bigger!) Wait.. You want me to redraw a floor plan, design the whole kitchen, bathrooms, choose all the fixtures, lights, finishes, interior and exterior in a few days and take care of 4 kids and finish remodeling our office space. Which, by the way, I just told our general contracted that his price was too high and I would be the general contracted myself! So for that project I am trying to hire all the subcontractors by Friday and get approval on all the work from our landlord so we are eligible for the tenant improvement money. And i have to purchase all the flooring, which i just learned has been discontinued, and I have to stay under budget for both projects. Did I mention I have 4 kids and a baby that woke up 3 times last night and two kids that still have accidents and 3 boys that make constant messes and visiting teaching appointments that I have had to reschedule 4 times because people keep forgetting or changing their minds and a calling I am so far bombing because I have been unavailable. Did I mention that I have white carpet through my whole house and a dog that sheds everywhere and a house so big that we have no furniture for it and no matter what I do I can't make it feel like my home ( or clean!) I don't feel like I live here yet so amidst all of this I found myself talking to a realtor about a fixer upper house I just passed on the street on the way to visit teach the girl that stood me up. Is my scattered inside reflecting in this crazy article. I know Paul is not happy that I took the job with my dad. I know I should have said no. The guy here that is working with my dad is really happy with the drawings I have done and in his excitement he said. "this is just the first of many Melody."While that thrills me to pieces because this is absolutely a dream job for me, it also terrifies me because how can I really do it without sending my sweeties to daycare? And how can I do daycare while I am still nursing? And if I turn down the next house then the team will get used to working with a different designer and I will miss my chance to design homes from the studs out. How amazing is that!! I am just driven over by constant guilt and an inability to do what I want because I always try to do what I should. I am angry that I want to design so badly. If I am at home in my house that does not feel like mine my design brain can never rest! Never. I am always, even in my sleep trying to fix what is "broken". If I am working, I am too busy to be obsessed over what I can't fix in a rental. I have said it a million times and never found a solution. I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could sit peacefully and Exist without yearning to be fixing and create things. I try to keep it hidden from people so they dont know how nuts I am, but Paul knows. He does not know what to do with me. And I know that I am obsessed and my kids suffer. Where is the switch that lets me turn on to be a happy, laid back, funny, dog loving, soccer mom that just likes to have fun. Wouldn't that be so much easier? That would sure make all my family happier. Why do I have to be all deadlines and healthy and organized and artistic? Why do I have to be all rules and morals and bedtimes and green drinks? Boring! My kids dont enjoy me. There is nothing stopping me from being cool except me. I am just me and I don't fit in my life. I don't fit in my life.