On raising my kids on screans and candy

Friday night driving by the river, bight golden moon full and round in the sky. I'm alone for the first time in what seems like weeks. I'm driving to pick up my boys from a Lego party and stealing a few moments to dictate my thoughts as I drive through the sweet little town of Oregon city full of lights and the glitter of Christmas. There are bright windows with store displays and people all over, yet I feel isolated. I talk to so few people in my small circle of influence. I go outside so seldom. I order everything online to avoid the drives and the stores. Today I had a primary meeting and by the end Juniper was a wreck needing a nap and I rushed out as quickly as possible. While I might have had a moment to socialize with a group of women, I had to rush out. One of the women said, she was sorry that it's so hard to do things with little kids and I said it's going on eight years of that and I wonder if it ever ends. Surely my attitude needs to change. I've been trying to enjoy every minute with my sweet baby. She's so busy all the time doing the babies do best dumping, pouring, swirling, smashing, squishing, pushing, and making messes of everything. I feel like my obsessive-compulsive has kicked into higher gear lately which may or may not be true. I just wish I were different. I wish I didn't care. I wish my house could be a wreck and I'd be fine but I can only handle it for a short time and then I go nuts and start ignoring everything except cleaning the house. We've been watching Lucy; Jeanette's dog for a week and a half and Juni will not stay out of Lucy's food. She's just trying to be helpful, but she makes such a mess. She's always asking for food and then when I give it to her, she gives it to Lucy, or smears it everywhere, or dumps it out, or pours it from one dish to another. She's a perfect baby. And I am such an imperfect mom. I want to scream. 
I'm also in another food crisis. It seems to never end. I went to a gas station tonight with Paul and Eirik so Paul can get a drink. When we are inside Paul turned me and said "this is dinner". Since the kids are at a birthday party and were headed to a school function right after we pick them up, it didn't seem like too bad of an idea, so I grabbed a warm burrito and a pizza stick and a corndog for me and Juni and Eirik, (and some cookies and pop).  And as I pay, I feel like a failure; like I'm letting them down and letting myself down and being a victim of our unhealthy society. All week I tried to serve myself and my kids healthy food. I've been extra conscious about sugar this week. Today as I ate a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats with almond milk, feeling pretty good about my healthy choice, I read the sugar content and realized I was eating 18 g of sugar and one bowl. And then I realized almost everything else I ate today had added sugar. How can we ever get away from it because it is so pervasive in our society? Sugar is such a mainstay. And as I think about how sugar and screens are raising my kids I feel overwhelmed and trampled down because there's no fighting it. I can never offer something they will want more than candy and TV. From the moment Teig wakes up it is immediately a series of negotiations about screen time and food. "Can I eat a cookie? Can I watch Wild Kratts?" "A cookie is not breakfast food and you know the rules about screen time." Despite being firm and steadfast about screen time rules, the battle wages incessantly. I can never give them enough screen time. And I am always the bad guy when I turn it off. It results in screams and anger almost every time despite the fact that they loose more screen time if they throw a tantrum about turning it off.  The issue is pervasive though.  I'm no different. I rarely rarely watch TV, but I find that I'm on a screen every single moment that I have the opportunity to be; just like my kids are.  I'm not at on screens for entertainment  but to work, to do projects, to be productive, and to learn things . I find myself being addicted to knowing the answers to my questions immediately. I know my children are experiencing the same things. We are experiencing an absolute thirst and hunger for immediate answers, stimulation, and entertainment.  It brings up so many questions for me about what it's going to do to us and I think constantly about how different we are from any generation that's come before us. We have nothing to compare this to. We have no way to know how raising our children with an iPhone in their hand is going to affect them.  We can only guess. We can only hope it won't be horrible for them. We can only hope it will be good for then somehow. Pediatricians say one hour a day of screen time is what's recommended. I know very few people who really do that now. I believe that our brains crave knowledge. They dislike boredom. We naturally like to know answers. There is nothing wrong with filling our children's brains with answers from screen time... or is there?   I feel like what we are experiencing is unprecedented.  Experiential knowledge is different and in many ways far superior to knowledge acquired from a screen. I'd like to give my kids real experiences and make sure their brains develop in lots of ways and not in a narrow path created by visual stimulation, but society is so different now.  How can I provide enough experiences that can compete with screens? I can't.  It is pretty amazing that we can experience things like being under the water with sharks through watching it on TV because most of us wouldn't ever get to do that in real life.The fact that my grandfather is terrified enough of the Internet that he refuses to have it in his house is fascinating and concerning because I don't want to discount his opinion completely just because he's old. On the other hand, I'd rather go without heat than the internet. Well almost. Thank you internet for being you; for being so outrageously awesome! How can I be so torn about this? I guess I'm terrified of addiction and I lack faith in my kids. Is that what it comes down to? Is it that I don't believe they have the ability to learn to self monitor?
I started doing jedi/ yoga training every Sunday morning to teach them to breath, relax, find their center, believe in themselves and learn stress managment skills. I like it. So far they don't love it, but will still do it with me. I want to stop the battle over screen time and give them more of what they want without feeling guilty. Making them hate me is not the answer. Having contention over it is not working. Maybe giving it so much negative attention by asking them to turn it off or keep it off so much is making the problem far worse. The problem is, if I don't regulate, that is all they will do...litterally. So, what's a mom to do? 

Hot tub talk

In the hot tub Teig said "Did you know this is a booby?" Eirik condescendingly told him, "No that's a buoy." "Oh yeah, there's no such thing as a booby."

Hide and seek

While playing hide and seek Teig told us that we could count to 12 miles per hour. 

Tasmanian tigers

"Did you know that Tasmanian tigers don't have a jaw? Heavenly father forgot to make one. Did you know that they run really fast?"

Teig

A huge update

I feel like I've been moving nonstop for days. I am doing way too much again. I'm helping my parents with this new remodel in Salt Lake City. I've done over 70 drawings for this house by hand. And made tender selections for finishes in and things. I really enjoy this kind of work but it's difficult to do from a distance. Not being on location has been a drawback to this project. 

I'm also taking a painting class from an artist I've admired for many years. His name is Michael Orwick and I feel absolutely blessed that I get to meet with him and have him critique my work. I've been to two classes so far and already I can tell my understanding of my materials and use of values and color has improved immensely. I can't wait to dig in and push more paint around. I wish I could be Painting right now. 

We threw a Halloween party last week. It took a lot of energy for 4 kids and 5 costumes and lots of friends and lots of fun spooky food. it was a blast but I feel like I'm still paying for it.  I'm pretty tired today. 

My brother Michael has been in town for the past three days. His ex- girlfriend is due with his baby. He's here for the delivery and to be a part of the baby's life. I've been as involved as I can be since he's been here. I've been helping him get acquainted with the hospital, get baby gifts together, meet with his lawyer and being emotional support where I can be. It's been sad and a bit overwhelming for me being involved in the details of the sad situation. 

While Michael has been here he's been helping me with a few house projects as well. He put together the monkey bars in our basement today and got me some shelves in my new studio. He's gonna hang my new light fixtures and help me stain my new dining table and a few other odds and ends I've been hoping to get finished. It sure is nice to have a handyman around! 

Last weekend Paul and I went to Seattle for an OMED conference. We got to visit with Tash and Brandon Bunnage and Amy and Brandon Miner. They are two of the most fun couples we know to hang out with. I loved their company and our discussions. it was fun to relate with them about being in kind of the same situations as they are in life and discussing how we're all dealing with the questions and changes that have come with this stage of our lives. I've ordered a stack of books to read based on recommendations from my friends and three or four of them are from this weekend with these smart people. 

This week Paul and I voted in the midterm election. The Republicans swept the Senate. It's pretty big deal for a country I think.

I've been enjoying a monthly art night with my group of artist friends. I look forward to it more than any other activity. Last week we did fused glass and the month before that we did painting. The month before that we tried calligraphy and a previous session was life drawing and Joren was our model. 

After we paint or draw whatever we do, we sit around and talk and I admire these women immensely. I respect their views of life, religion and raising kids and I'm always excited to hear their opinions and see what projects they've been working on. 

In addition to designing this huge house with my family and working on my painting skills I've also been working on Paul's website for his practice. I've scheduled a photo shoot with a great local photographer and I'm working out the details of that so that we can have some lifestyle photos for the website with our team members. I'm also redesigning the whole website with our web designer. It's a lot of work. I know it's going to be worth it though. With me being so busy with so many projects my poor kids sometimes have to get pretty creative to stay busy. I wish I were able to focus better on them. 

Junie is 20 months old. She is very physical she loves to climb and crawl and walk and run and do all things with her body but she does not like to talk. I wish she would begin talking. She does say mom and dad and she can sign six or seven things but I'm anxious for her to start communicating more with us. I'm also anxious for her to stop throwing every meal I give her on the floor and stop putting everything in her mouth!. This stage will end I'm sure. And I just try to dress her really cute every day so I treat her really well because when she's in a darling hat and cute boots I find I'm happier and nicer to her. I know that sounds dumb but hey whatever works. She's an absolute sweetheart and does cute things to help us like brings her shoes gives everybody hugs blows kisses all the time and tries to help whenever she can. She likes to help me load the dishwasher. She also has the cutest laugh and the boys love to make her laugh just to hear it. 

Teig is four. He is signed up to go to Friendship Farms Preschool twice a week. He loves it when he goes. But the past few weeks he's been complaining every time I take him and he has been begging me to stay home.  I've decided to take him out of preschool because he has a whole year next year of attending and it's not worth the fight for me to try to make him go. Teig is at that adorable stage for everything he does is absolutely unbearably cute. Tonight he looked up at me when I said I'm gonna pick you up and swing you around and he said "but I'm afraid of heights" in the cutest little sincere voice ever. He loves to help. He loves to play animal jam, a fun animal game on the computer. He loves to use the phone to play games. And he loves magna tiles and squeaky's and puzzles and boardgames. He also enjoys soccer and volleyball. When I ask him what he wants to be when he grows up he says "Everything. I'm going to be an arter and a skater and a doctor and a swimmer and a basketballer." He has great confidence and he is the sweetest thing in the world.

Joren has decided that without a doubt he's going to be a famous artist when he grows up. Every day when he comes home from school he gets out his paint and he paints or draws. Every morning before he leaves he says "mom you are my art buddy. Let's do art when I get home." He has been making paintings and drawings that blow me away. I am amazed by his talent and his love for it. I promised him I'd never let him run out of paper and it made him ecstatic with joy. I also took him to the art store and bought him two canvases and a new pallet. He said he was gonna save his canvases and I told him "no, I want to fill them up because I'm gonna buy you two more canvases on your birthday at the end of the month. He was thrilled and filled them up right away. 

Eirik is busy with tae kwon do twice a week, enrichment class which is an exercise class after school, and a drama class. His homework is getting more vigorous. He gets to do reading responses on a blog online for this class. He's doing great in his spelling tests and his math tests and pushing his limits in many areas of his life. He loves graphic novels and tries to do as little work as possible. He has such a kind heart and wants to serve and do what's right he's incredibly onnoxious and yet clever as can be at the same time. He has been drawing pictures of wolves. I think I have about 20 drawings that look almost identical of a wolf chasing down some kind of animal cornering it in a borough. Actually some of them show the wolf eating the animal with blood dripping everywhere. He's a little obsessed with the predator/ prey relationship. Eirik seems to have friends at school and his teacher says he's always paired off with somebody. However at home he tells me that he feels like something is missing and he says he has no friends. I hope he finds his one special friend soon. He's a lot like Paul is and Paul was lucky to have his cousin as his best friend who was always around. I feel like that's what Eirik needs. 

 I feel lucky to have a new good friend who lives around the corner from me. Her son is Eirik's age and so she comes over often with her son who comes home and stays for an hour after school before she gets home from work. She is pretty great and I enjoy just having another woman around to hang out with.  I've been so busy that I haven't taken the time or made the time to work hard on the relationships here that would develop into great friendships for me. I miss my good friends from Michigan. There are wonderful women here but I still feel like I'm new to Oregon at a year and a half out and to be honest, I've been sort of an introvert. My kids need so much and tear the house apart so completely that preparing the house for company exhausts me so much that I rarely make it happen. Also we have only lived here for 3 1/2 months. And I'm still trying to get it decorated how I like it. I still have many projects around the house I'd like to do to make it feel like it's ready for guests. I worry that my perspective might be completely skewed because I spend too much time on Pinterest looking at beautiful homes. Obviously that's not real life and when I visit my friends houses I realize how abnormal I am and how obsessed I am with Art and design. It's sometimes eye-opening to realize that I am different than most people in this respect. I live in my own little bubble sometimes. 

Paul's practice has been going great. He's working on opening a second location. He's also been working out and eating very little and losing tons of weight. He is looking better than he has since we first got married. He's also spent a ton of money on clothes from banana republic and Frye boots and a motorcycle jacket and new sunglasses and cologne. He's living up having a little extra cash. It's pretty awesome. I just love not stressing you out every five dollar purchase. It's absolutely fantastic to have money in the bank and no student loans left to pay off. Yep we paid them all off last month!! I feel like it's a miracle. 

I hired a house cleaner last month. I had never done it before. Too darling young girls came to my house and as I showed them around I saw them calculating in their head the cost to clean my house. At the end of the tour they told me the number which was twice as much as I expected. They told me it will only be half that much in the future but there's kind of a lot to do today. I feel like I'm a good housekeeper myself but then I look at my house and I wonder what happened? 😄 I guess being so busy with so many projects limits the time I'm willing to give to mopping and dusting and cleaning toilets. It was lovely to have help! 

I'm looking forward to having my parents here for the next week or two to work on this house project. I hope they spend some good quality time with my kids. It will be really good for all of us to have them around! I miss my parents so much. 

Another event happened last week that has had  big impact on me is the passing of my dear friend/mentor and father figure David Parvin. It came as a complete shock. I found out on Facebook that he had passed away. It happened just a day after he posted something about one of his projects. I sat in complete disbelief staring at my phone unable to comprehend that he was gone. They are not having a funeral for him just a private family service. I was sad to not be able to go and pay my respects. I held a little memorial with just Paul and I on Saturday morning. I pulled out all the newspaper clippings and articles he I have saved over the years from him and all the letters he's writtento me and I read them all. I pulled out all the sculptures he's given me in the body cast that I have that we made together. I also dug through my drawers and got all my pictures out of David and I together. I was flooded with memories of the good times that we had. He was one of those people who goes out of his way to help people tremendously. He was extremely kind and generous to me. He was always looking out for my best interests giving me good advice, giving me allowance, paying me extra, calling me on the phone, and paying me nice, and as I felt, undeserved complements. After I married Paul I stopped communicating with David as frequently. Paul never agreed with my relationship with him since I did pose for sculptures for David in high school it seemed inappropriate to Paul. David was never an appropriate with me but out of respect for Paul I kept my relationship with David more distant than David would've liked. My regrets for not calling when he asked me to call him more frequently came flooding over me as I learned of his death. David was an atheist and I wonder about what the afterlife is like for him. For his goodness and generosity I am sure he will be rewarded greatly. I wish I knew what happens after this life, as we all do. I hope he knows of my love for him and my gratitude for what he did to make me who I am.  I hope he forgives me for my distance. I hope he knows every time I hear Enya or Enigma or Oh Holy night, I think of him. I hope he knows that so much of my success is an artist comes from his encouragement and his belief in my talent. I hope you find great joy and love and that he is able to create all the things he wanted to that he never got to create here on this earth. I will miss him greatly. 

Halloween

Kids 8, 6, 4 and almost 2 are the best for Halloween fun. Halloween on a Friday is also great. There were no school dress up parties and only one night of Halloween. Everything on one night is also awesome! I invited people over. I made a bunch of fun spooky food and we had dry ice. The costumes were fun and the people were fun. Our neighborhood is amazing. Julien, our neighbor behind us does a super spooky forest and they all dress up. Tons of trick or treaters and people everywhere. We went up to the church trunk or treat for a short time, then came home for games movies and more trick or treating.

New Room Reveal for Emma

My poor 15 year old nice Emma was diagnosed with Leukemia 1 month ago. She has been getting chemotherapy at the childrens hospital and today she gets to come home. She wont be home long but her family wanted her to have a great time while she is at home. They asked me to redecorate her room for her arrival. We all expected her next Friday but 2 days ago they let me know that it would be a week early so I have been on GO mode getting it ready for her. I'm really excited for her to see it!
I hope she likes it.

Promises and primary program

"Break your heart and  cross to die??"
Teig

Today was the primary program. I'm the music leader. I hoped for another awesome story like the time that Teig held up his teachers giant quad scriptures over his head during "scripture power" and fell over backward with the weight of it." but nothing like that happened. There were no funny snags. The kids were well behaved and we all got lots of compliments. Teig started off the whole program by climbing up on the stool and craning his neck to reach the microphone and saying in his adorable tiny voice, "Our primary theme this year is Families are forever." Joren's part was, "Families are necessary part of God's plan. I love my family because I like to snuggle with them." Eirik's part was, "I know that families are part of Gods plan. I can show my love to my family. I show my love to my mom by making her breakfast in bed. I show my love to my dad by helping with the kids. I show my love to Joren by helping with his games. I show love to Teig by letting him count my money over and over. He loves it. I show love to Juni by playing dolls with her."
I arranged a violin duet to play over the singing in the last song. At our only practice it sounded pretty awful, but today it was perfectly lovely. I don't know what happened, but it was just right.
I don't feel like being the singing leader fits me very well. I have to force myself to prepare every week and I trudge through it, but I love the kids so much and enjoy my time with them when I get there. I admire teachers immensely. It is not easy for me. I'm glad today is over and I'm glad that we got to have singing time sitting on blankets and having fun. I stapled song titles to autumn leaves that I threw over the kids. They had to catch them and we sang all fun and easy songs and ate snacks. 

Tooth hurty

Today during primary the sharing time leader called Eirik up because he said he had a story to tell about a time when he was honest. He said, "this is a fish story. One time I had a toothache at school so I had to go to the orthodontist at 2:30. Get it, "tooth hurty." 

It was balsy and inappropriate, but j have to admit it was pretty hilarious.  

Definitions

Teig told me, "Joren is nocturnal. He is awake at night. I'm nonturnal. That means I don't sleep except for naps sometimes."

"This food looks discussing.  What is it?" It's vegetarian and delicious. Eat it." "I can't,  I'm desertarian." said Eirik.

11 years on the 11th

Our best anniversary yet. 10 years was fun but I'll admit, a bit strained. This year was pure joy. We've had so much adjusting to do in the last year and a half with all things new. We both grew in a lot of ways and we grew together too. Having someone say, "I accept you just like you are, no matter what" has to be the best thing in the whole world, right?

Paul picked a restaurant on Division street called Ave Genes for our dinner out. Patty and John took the kids overnight. Did you know you could eat pickled fiddlehead ferns??? I'm not kidding! And they were delicious. I was amazed by all the food. I mean, I was shocked by the flavors and varieties. We had a melon salad with toasted pine nuts and jalapeños! It was crazy good. We had polenta and homemade pastas with homemade sausage. I can't say enough how delicious it was. The restrooms were a whole amazing experience as well. All the fixtures and plumbing were imported antique marble and brass pieces from Italy. The whole menu was in Italian so we basically went to Italy for our anniversary but it got even better from there. We sauntered outside on a warm Portland summer night, walked past the wall painted with sunflowers and what do we hear?, live Parisian cafe music. We had to stop and have a visit to the country of love and indulge in a key lime tart o let and creme and fraise while we listened to the musicians. 

After we walked around more and found 15 other restaurants we can't wait to try, I told Paul he couldn't top this date; Paris and Italy in one night, but then he offered to take me to Home Depot and, well he "had me at Home".  

That would have been a good date if it had to stop there but then Paul announced that for his gift he was going to take the kids to the beach for the weekend and let me stay home alone, by myself, solitary, just me for 2 whole days. I honestly can't remember the last time I was alone for longer than a quick car drive. I have a pretty amazing man. Thank you for such a great year. It is truly getting better with time, this lovely life we have made. 

Logic

"Teig, I asked,  "Where do you think you lived before this earth?"  "I lived in an alien space ship and floated in space in a rover."  "How did you get to earth?" I asked.  "He brought me here. He was a peach black alien with black eyes and he dropped me off. I was walking around and I found a nice house and went inside. Eirik was there and he said, "you look nice." I was a baby. Then Joren said, "you should stay here.""

Then I started singing, "I lived in Heaven  long time ago, this is true..." the primary song. Teig interupted me and said, "Ya, but I lived in an alien space ship."

I said, "Thanks for hanging out with me Teig. You're my favorite." "I'm your favorite too." he replied.

Back to school!

Our boys have been back in school for one week and today Eirik came home in tears saying, "now I remember why I hate school so much! I just hate having people tell me what to do all the time. I want to be in charge of myself."

Then I was talking to Joren in his room. I asked if he wanted me to hang something he brought home from school on his wall and he said,"no, I'm not really the school type mom." I asked him what he meant by that. He said "I'm just not good at it." I asked what he was not good at and after some persuasion he finally said, "I'm just not good at listening. I want to do my own thing and just be me." 

It's going to take some getting used to. I don't know if I've fostered their indipendant free thinking tendencies or if they have just come that way, but they both fight me on just about everything. I don't envy their teachers. We wrote a 4 page letter to Jorens teacher telling him some of his successes and challenges from his previous school teachers hoping it would give her some insight on how to best approach his learning. 

Dizzy

"Did you know that when you get dizzy it is really just the moon and space shaking." Teig

Cactus ambush

Joren woke me up at 5:00AM this morning yelling to me from his room. I groggily made my way to his yelling to discover that his cactus had fallen on him and he was covered in tiny cactus prickles too small to see. He found this tiny cactus and brought it home and put it in water and to our great surprise it sprouted a new arm and grew like crazy! It grew so high it finally fell out of its dish onto Joren.  The prickles were very painful and looked exactly like his tiniest hairs. I had to use tweezers and go over his arms pulling out every possible hair. What a way to wake up for both of us! Poor kid!

The dirty life of motherhood.

I've been helping my parents with another remodel in Utah. I just got off the phone with  them. We met for 1 hour for a brainstorming session.  I paid the price for my time. Juni took off a poopy diaper in her crip and the boys put away a full load of dirty dishes into the cupboards. Hey, they were trying to do their chores though! Good boys.  

Aanderud Hidaway

Paul, the best Dad ever, found us a camping spot that is beyond awesome. It was the dream campsite that you think could only exist in a fairytale.
#1 Not far from our house
#2 completely secluded
#3 right by a fly fishing river
#4 no reservations, no fees
#5 great firepit
#6 huge soft mossy area for our tent
#7 trails all around
#8 Gorgeous!
Just to let you know, if you ask where it is, we probably won't tell. It's that good. (sorry) The people who made it probably aren't happy that we found it and that now we call it the Hideaway and plan to go every summer. To get to the site you have to drive way back in, then hike for 1/2 mile (the only downside, especially when you have to carry a baby, a play yard, a camp stove, all the bedding, fishing gear etc...) It's downhill on the way in, and UPHILL on the way out. We learned that it is a workout carrying all that gear up a steep mountainside. I figured I owed it to my boys to take them camping before summer is over and to be honest, I have been dreading it. Camping with a baby is not what I imagine to be a good time, but Juni was surprisingly delightful. She stayed far away from the fire, she didn't try once to drown in the river and she went right to sleep in her play yard when we all got in our sleeping bags. I had very very low expectations for the whole ordeal. In fact, I expected it all to be painful, so when it turned out to be fun, I was delighted. We got there about an hour before dark and sort of raced to get camp set up and the fire going and hotdogs cooked. We made s'mores as the light faded and Juni walked around with a bag full of marshmallows and sticky pine needle and dirt covered hands and face. That girl will, and does eat anything! We all climbed in bed and told a story in the round about a royal family that lived in a castle and a giant Saber Tooth cat attached. The four children all used their special powers, Eirik and his flaming arrows and fighting skills, Joren, the magician, with a whip and poison darts, Teig with his agility, speed strength and sword, and Juni with her spells and ability to fly and turn into fire, all fought the beast. In the end the Saber tooth turned into ramen noodles and they all had a feast and got fat. The kids all loved the story and everyone fell right to sleep except me. I laid there for hours and hours and hours thinking that the night would never end. Our awesome new tent is basically just a huge mosquito net. It is wide open and you can see all around. I could not stop imagining a bear sniffing around the tent and rearing up and crashing down on us. I also had no air mattress and the worst sleeping bag. I was freezing. I was up until 2:30 just miserable until I shoved my feet into Paul's sleeping bag and the he gave me his new air mattress and I finally slept while he was miserable until 6:15 when I finally got up and started the fire. My whole family slept until 8:45! They never sleep that long at home. It was the LONGEST night of my life.  It's been 95 degrees everyday and I didn't even bring a jacket. Once it was finally over, we got back to having fun. I made bacon and eggs and cereal bars. The guys all went fishing. Paul carried all the boys across the river on his back.  Juni and I hiked and played in the tent. Then the boys came back and shot the BB guns. We played Uno and took funny photos and messed around. When it was time to pack up and hike out, there was a lot of whining and fighting and not helping and people saying they were too tired to walk and someone needed to carry them. That is par for the course though with this troop so it did not phase me. The setting was so sublime, it was all worth it. We listened to music letting each kid pick a song at a time all the way up and back. They all love Titanium and Radioactive. We also liked Phineus and Ferb songs. We look forward to our next camping trip where I will have my own pack, pad and sleeping bag. Someday all the kids will have their own packs too.  That's when it will get really fun.
When I asked everyone their favorite part of camping this is what they all said:

Paul: that we were all together.

Eirik: starting the fire 

Joren: peeing on the fire

Teig: shooting Bb Guns

Juni: eating marshmallows and Cheetos and dirt

Mom: when Paul gave me his air mattress and when a bear did not eat us. 

Fathers day primary interview

My dad always says: "kindness begins with me." Eirik

My dad always says,"be nice". Joren

My dad is really strong, he could lift:
"the universe" Eirik
"a 40 lbs weight!" Joren

My dads favorite food is: "root beer" Teig
"hot wings" Eirik

My dad really loves: "chopsticks." Teig

If my dad had time he would live to "play with me" Joren

My dad laughs when: "I fart" Eirik
"on Thursdays when I tickle him" Teig
"I'm awkward" Joren

I love my dad because: "he is so strong". Teig

Dry hair

Teig just told me that my hair was too dry. He said it looks like it needs water. He said it will die like my plants if it does not get water. Then he suggested a shower.

Grappeling to choose Joy.. not at the top of my game

Paul asked Eirik how the morning went. Eirik told him that mom was not in the best mood. She is only concerned about work and never about having fun.  Teig's prayers lately have been this: "thank you that we are all going to have a good time today. Thank you that Mommy's going to have a good time today... in the name ..."
Paul later asked me what has been bugging me. Is there something underlying my mood that I want to talk about. I told him I would try to write about it because it felt complicated.

There is an extra-super moon tonight. I asked Paul to walk outside with me for a while. It was a special night. We stopped to eat blackberries in the alley near our house. Paul asked me in different words than this, where my joy has gone. I didn't know it was gone, but he says it has. I have felt unwell, anxious, uneasy. For a summer that should be oozing joy from all the crevices of it, I am surprisingly anxious and reserved, snappy and lacking contentment. Why? I know it has something to do with perfection. Something to do with the chase of it and the utter unattainability of it. It has something to do with how close my house is to being presentable to have people over and yet the line where it is not embarrassing is out of fingers reach.  I'm sure it is exacerbated by my addiction to looking at gorgeous NON-lived in homes on Pinterest. Exploring how that is effecting our society is a giant topic. It has something to do with the never ending hurricane that roars around in my house messing everything up that I set out (kids). It could also be the never-ending state of change. Everything that is once fixed will soon be unfixed, marked, nicked, marred or otherwise destroyed. Every choice is never perfect, because there is always one better that will come along. Perfection is never attainable. Order is unattainable. I can chase it my whole life and never catch it but I still spend all day chasing it like a fool. It could also be that I am 37 and I have suddenly realized that my art is pretty terrible and I have little to show for the past few years creatively.   It could also be that I am so horribly hard on myself and realize it and dislike myself more for being hard on myself. That's pretty sick. So I look around and see everyone else in their imperfection and I love them for it, but when I am imperfect, I despise it. My poor poor children who can never ever live up to my expectations of perfection. I know I have to change, but I don't know how to stop being critical. I want to stop, but I can't. I want to be pleasant, but I am a beeatch who points out every error.

I've been reading the news a lot and trying to feel like I have something/ anything to say that does not bore people to death, ie, my husband. Yes, I'm more informed, but I'm so disturbed. That might have something to do with my mood. Christians being slaughtered, ebola, genital mutilation, homeless people being beaten to death, mothers disappearing from the town next to mine, ISIS invading, Palestinians being bombed... how can people read the news and be jazz hands happy about crafting and beautiful parties and poppies?  I'm not, I'm overwhelmed and scared. I want my kids to grow up in a place where they don't accidentally download an app and end up blackmailed by someone in another country. I worry that my 8 year old sons friends from church are playing adult video games that I won't even watch. And mostly I worry that Joseph Smith might have been a fraud. I know that was a big jump, but I guess that's my biggest fear. My life is built around a man we put on a pedestal as the mouthpiece for God in this dispensation and it really all hinges on him. Was he a true prophet or not? He was remarkable. He was brilliant. He was a phenomenal, charismatic leader and yet he lied about the Egyptian Papayra. He sent men on missions and then married their wives. How can I stand behind that? If I can't, then I am living a lie and it all crumbles around me. What do I have to rebuild with? I would have so much to learn. I am a Mormon. My ancestors all lived polygamy. I have lived breathed and slept all things Mormon all my life. I want it all to be true. I want it all to be true. 

Desperate Nester

We've lived in our new house for a little over a month. In retrospect I can admit that I have been in a desperate frenzy to establish our family in this place and feel settled. Living Nomadic for the past 10 years has finally come to a close. In all things there is no guarantee, but I have to hope that this time we can put down real roots that secure us and ground us here. I want to talk to the bank teller and know I might be seeing her in 30 years from now so noticing her and taking the time to get to know her is the formation of a long term relationship. I want the parents I meet at the school and sports events to be relationships that could have time to develop over the next few years. Nothing ruins that more than the feeling when you know you're moving soon. I like talking to the neighbors and knowing I could know them when their kids are grown.
I love our  house. It has bright white walls everywhere and wonderful light in every room. Our stuff we have collected our whole lives all fits so nicely together in this house like it was meant to be. We have the rooms we have always wanted to have. A room right near the kitchen that can be a homework, craft, mess room for all the family is something I have always dreamed of. Yes, I get that room. We also have a wonderful study that we bought some sweet new shelves for. I am in the process of decorating them and choosing the furniture for the rest of the room. Who hasn't always wanted library shelves in their study, raise your hand. Nobody, yeah, I thought so. I love them!
 These are the other things I have bought for the house:
A dining set for the back porch so we can eat outside
A new dresser and some end tables for our master bedroom
A new loft bed on craigslist for Eirik's room
A $5 filling cabinet for the study
A $10 dresser for Juni which I am going to put anthropology knobs on.
Two new small rugs.
It's been an expensive month, but I've had to buy surprisingly few things to get the spaces very functional and beautiful. When things all have a place and there are not unfinished projects all over, I do much better. Obsessing about the house is a teeny tiny problem for me and I keep thinking that if I finish these pressing projects I will be more relaxed in my home. It is working. I really want to get the exterior looking good too, but it is going to take some grading and some major work that I don't know how to do. I asked a landscaper to help us with those big things, but he has been pretty busy, (and I am impatient!) I also asked my contractor friend to build me a new rustic mantle. He bought a great chunk of reclaimed wood from an old Oregon Church to make into our mantle. I can't wait to see it. It's nice to see a list of all the things I have done in a month, because, of course, all I'm thinking about are all the things I still want to get done and forgetting to see all that is already done!

I suddenly got overwhelmed last night reading about the nightmarish ebola outbreak in Africa. I started wondering what it would be like to be quarantined in our new house for an extended amount of time. Would we have what we need? So, suddenly my list of things to do got a lot longer and canning lots of food started to weasel it's way onto my list. Oh, how I dread canning, but love eating canned food.  The canned tomato soup and pickles I made in Michigan were some of my favorite things ever. So, I'm trying to dare to can peaches with 3 littles this week. I think it might be a disaster, but onward march.

PS. Why am I being a desperate nester? I'm not pregnant!?!

A New Tradition Formed tonight

Today was amazing. Paul took his team from work on a guided kayaking adventure with Portland Kayaking Company. I got to go too! We set out from the marina right under I-205 and kayaked as a group under all the huge bridges south until we reached Ross island that we circumnavigated until we returned to the marina. We had great conversation and the weather could not have been more perfect! Paul works with such wonderful people. It was tons of fun but the day was not over! We payed the babysitter, the kids had naps and tv for a few hours then we all drive to Mount Taber Park that is an ancient forest and overlooks all of Portland all the way to the cascades! The kids loved the playground and we worked on monkey bars for a long time. Then we went to HOPworks which is a pizza place that exceeds all expectations. Awesome industrial exposed wood ceiling, rustic style with art that I loved on all the walls., great food that the kids all liked AND a kids area where the kids loved playing while we waited for their food!! Why don't more restaurants do this!!! We loved it! A new family tradition formed tonight. Portland is feeling more and more like home.

Joren's future life

I asked Joren as he snuggled into bed if he was achieving the goals he wants to in life.  He thought about it and then said, "No mom. I want to live in Hawaii and have soil everywhere with things growing all over and coconut trees. I'm going to have a turf backyard and I want to have palm trees in my front yard. I'm going to have a hammock instead of a bed. I want to live on a houseboat. I want to make my own houseboat so I can make it the way I want it. I want to have succulents and a pet parrot and a pet penguin and a pet dragon and lots of weaving and bracelets and a hacky sack.  Also a pet cat with a collar and lots of stuffed animals and real vines hanging from my ceiling. I don't want to pay bills. I want to use the water from the lake to water my garden. I want to have a bow staff and waterproof elephant boots.  I want a pet tortoise to ride on. I won't have a water bottle. I will have a canteen, and I don't like jeans. I don't want freckles, only red hair. I want a rock collection and shells and coral. Also I'm going to grow up to be an artist and I'm going to work in chalk.

Bulls are dangerous

"I know why bulls are attracted to red. If you hold up a bottle of red paint to a bull he will charge you and kill you and then lick the paint."
Teig

Juni 17 months

Paul just commented how amazing it is that Juni can talk so much without saying a word. She is 17 months old and she vocalizes all day long but she really only creates about 4 sensible words. She says Daddy for sure and for at least a month her one and only word was shoes. She's very concerned with shoes. We were trying to leave one day and I said "Juni, can you find my shoes?" and she did!! She brought both of them to me. I was shocked. She said ball for the first time yesterday and she can say hi (sort of). Her other sure word is Lucy. We have been watching Jeanette's dog for almost two weeks and Juni loves to give Lucy her food and eat Lucy's food out of Lucy's dog bowl. In fact there isn't much Juni won't eat as long as she can find it on the floor, in a trash can or some other gross place. I know she is not the first child to suck on a used cigarette butt, (the horror), and it's not uncommon to find rocks and dirt in her mouth. If she can sit down in the dirt and put it in her hair and eat it, she certainly will. She puts anything and everything into her mouth, except at mealtimes. Feeding her is a challenge, not only because she drops her food on the floor for Lucy, but because she has an uncanny ability to mutilate any food item into the smallest stickiest morsels, spread them everywhere and not end up eating a thing! She likes cheese sticks and hot dogs the best. Ugh. She loves her milk. She loves candy and if anyone in the house is eating candy its like she can smell it in the air and she is at their feet begging. Clever girl. She hates to be fed and will always grab the fork or spoon from me to eat if I try to help her. she also loves to eat erasers off of pencils. I swear there is nothing she likes more. She can find a pencil anywhere and just starts gnawing. She has been doing it her whole life. It's so habitual I would call it one of her favorite things in the world.
Joren is very protective of his room and his stuff. He organizes and lays out all his belongings very precisely which makes Juni's presence in his room a recipe for a seriously volatile situation! Juni seems to know how much he hates her moving his stuff around so she tries to do it more. It drives him crazy! Joren has this little stuffed chair I covered for Teig when he was a baby that he has claimed for his own. Juni loves it and daily will go in Jorens room and take the things off it that he has carefully placed there and sit in it. Joren just loses it!
Juni loves her brothers! She banged her head repeatedly on the headboard this morning to make us laugh. She is super good natured. I have to wake her up from her naps all the time to go to swimming or soccer or Tae quan do or arts camp and she always just smiles and goes along. What a trooper! She is always up for having fun. She smiles all the time, unless of course she's giving you her famous stink eye. She has a pout face that can melt anyone. The boys sometimes try to say mean things to her to get her to give them the pout face because it's so cute. I've been putting her hair in pigtails for a few weeks and I'm not kidding; she's too cute for words. She's so lucky to be a baby, she gets to wear sundresses just about every day. She loves to swim and at the pool she is a constant danger to herself because she is so adventurous. No fear! She's recently stopped pulling everything out of the cupboards, but she is still a whirlwind. I just walk behind her trying to keep up with the giant messes she is capable of constantly making. I know this exploration stage does not last that long and I am committed to laugh through it. That's the only way to survive! :)

Eirik's summer adventure

I'm picking Eirik up from the airport right now. He got to go on a trip with Jeanette and Jake. They took off 10 days ago and traveled through the Tetons, through Yellowstone and down to Utah. Along the way they got to ride horses, run from herds of bison, get dangerously close to a grizzly mama and her cub, kayak, and sleep in tents and under the stars. Knoowing Jeanette there were probably plenty of treats and spoiling on top of that. After Jeanette dropped him off at his cousins house in Provo and swam
in their pool for an afternoon, my mom picked him up for another weekend of camping adventure with my parents, my sister Amy and her family and Michael and maybe day and Tera, (I have to check) on about thursday, Eirik's excitement about being away from home was whaning and by Saturday he was definitely ready to come home. He caught a serious cade of "homesick" so we flew him home early. To be honest, it was too long for me too. He was scheduled to drive back with Jeanette tomorrow and take 3-4 days camping on the way back. We all miss our Eirik too much to let him stay that long. I'm excited to see him. (and might I say, a bit jealous of all his amazing adventures!)

Boys are different than girls

"Mom can I watch a movie where someone gets killed in a war or something?" asked Teig the day before his 4th birthday. "Hmmm.. have you ever seen a movie like that before?" I asked. "no, I just want to." he replied.
Hmmm... A day later I am still trying to decide how to process this request.

Heavenly Father! I love that guy!

Teig just yelled, " Heavenly Father! I love that guy! He makes movies and ... US and ... Everyfing!"

I'm a vegitator. I vegitate

"I don't do chicken mom. I'm a vegitator. I vegitate, but I don't eat poisen ivy."
Teig age 3

"What is the tooth fairy?"

"What is the tooth fairy?" asked 3 yr old Teig.  "It's a witch to take your tooths away." replied Joren.

5 weeks into our new home

We bought a dresser with carved drawers and matching end tables. So pretty!
Paul was home all weekend and for the first time since we moved in we did not have company or have to go anywhere. Paul took a big interest in getting the house together. It is the first time he has had any chunk of time since we moved in to help. I have felt pretty alone in the whole thing and was starting to getting pretty frustrated, but I'm back to being a very very happy and lucky wife.  I just like to have my husband around now and then and he has been pretty busy. He gives so much at work that he comes home and just shuts down most days so I loved getting some real Paul for the weekend. We worked on the yard and brainstormed ideas for the garden. This weekend was the Old Time Fair for our little city of Willamette. We got up Saturday and walked literally one block and sat on the curb to watch our parade. Then we walked one block home, had breakfast and then walked down the hill to the fair. It was magical. This community is amazing. We got neighbors in a cute rental next door. Its a family from Florida and I met right after they arrived from a cross country drive from Florida with two babies. I made them dinner and took it right over. They could not have been more appreciative. I think we will be good friends. I also love the people across the street. She let me help her choose some paint colors for their remodel and they loved my choices.

I feel like I have been living for tomorrow since Paul and I got married, scrimping and saving and never buying anything while preparing for the future.  Now suddenly all our work is paying off and we are living for today!  It is suddenly the future and we are buying the things we always wanted to buy but haven't. Paul is getting a Harley this weekend. I bought my oil paints. Paul bought a guitar, we are buying gorgeous furniture. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. My house is coming together so wonderfully.  I love it!

I got called to be singing time leader in primary. I love teaching senior primary. I had those kids having so much fun today. We had a blast. I'm not so great with the younger kids, but the big kids love me. :)

Teig has been tantrum king lately! Joren is getting weirder every day, and Eirik could not be more whiney, but on the other hand, Teig looked at me today and said, "Mom, when I grow up, will you marry me?" Joren asked me to build him a jungle in his room so I cut out felt leaves and tissue paper leaves and hot glued them to green twine and made him a wall of jungle. Eirik is so tender and earnest and right at the crossroads of making big life decisions about what he believes.  Every day I wonder if I am being patient enough and taking enough time with him, and everyday I know I have come up short. I helped him unpack his room today finally. He had no interest before and didn't miss anything that was still in boxes so we took a long time, and it was painfully tedious. It was all I could do not to do it for him, but I wanted him to learn to put things away. I wish I was a better, more patient person!  I love that kid so much and sometimes I can't see past my own nose to be empathetic to 8 yr old feelings. Why is it so hard for me to understand  that 4 pocketknives are not enough, or that my boys can't go to sleep until they tuck every stuffed animal in with tissue paper wad pillows and kisses before they can go to sleep? They are precious! The tantrums will pass, Joren will be weird, but he is authentic and brilliant. Eirik may need a lot of attention, but when he gains independence at something his level of capability is extremely high. What he does, he does very well. He is an incredible leader. I went to scout camp with him this week and he was always the one with the flag leading the group. He always knew were to go, where things were, always had a plan. He is capable, trustworthy and I would be happy to follow him when he grows into a man. I learn so much from him. Daily I have to check my pride and try to be worthy to be his mother. Sometimes I am appalled while reflecting on my behavior.  I pray they are all resilient because I catch myself rolling my eyes, acting put out by their requests, and throwing tantrums when they make messes. I ask myself when am I going to pull it together and cut out that crappy behavior.  I started a hot air balloon chart and it is working great. Their balloon rises as they make good choices and have a good attitude and it lowers as they fight or have tantrums. Teig will loose his star wars blanket if it gets to the bottom. Oh No...! Eirik is so worried he will really lose it that he goes to great lengths to try to help him get points up. So cute.
Juni is into everything! She did something to the computer that made a sweep of the whole hard drive and erased all the programs! luckily it did not erase any documents or photos! She loves to play in the sink. I think I change her clothes about 5 times a day. she has been the voice of one word for about a month, "shoe". She loves to bring people shoes, find her own shoes and throws a fit if she can't find her shoes or get them on. Well, a fit for her is like a 1 on a Teig tantrum scale. She's really a very easy baby! I've been putting her in high side pigtails that are slaying me with her cuteness! Ahh, SO CUTE!!!!
Joren and Teig got gymnastics camp for a week last week. They loved it. Teig is in soccer and swimming lessons this week.
I can't believe summer is almost over! NOOOO

Teig:

How old is mommy? 27
How old is daddy? 7

"I was wike dis. (scared face). I just shot a huge ice berg at them and and and and um um dis aliens name is just ice. I shot around de town and ven I I I jumped over it an an I shot an ice frew the bad guys heart. See this disk right here. It helps me turn back into a human."

Teigs cookie recipe

"First you put 2 bags of chocolate chips and ven some powdered sugar and stir them around and ven 4 rotten eggs and stir it around and ven add the magic infrequent, more cookie powder. Scratch claw loves these kinds of cookies. I give one to scratch claw and the rest to his teammates. He shares them. One time on Thursday he got sick 8 times by eating too many cookies. Like from the grass to the cloud of cookies. Then I buy him 6 million more medicine so he will not get sick and then he gave me back my money and I said, "what, scratch claw gave them all back and I still have money!"

Law Family Reunion May 2014

My Brother caught himself a beautiful bride.  We got to fly out to celebrate with him at their wedding. They had it at The Bungalo in Pleasant Grove. They had a very diverse and fun crowd. Tera chose a song by Motley Crew to walk in by.  She had all the kids run in first and they did lots of circles around all the congregation while the song played. Dave waited up front in his sunglasses being cool. The kids loved it and were sweaty and tuckered out for the vows which were short and sweet. They decided not to share the vows with the crowd, but to put them in a handmade wooden box that Dave built and seal it up for 50 years from now with a bottle of wine. 

The wedding was lots of fun and I am so happy for my brother that he has a wonderful wife. I think she's pretty amazing. 
Also, they were nice enough to stick around for a day to have one day of family reunion before they left for their honeymoon.  I thought that was pretty cool of them. My mom reserved a really cool day camp up diamond fork canyon where we could take the 4 wheelers and dirt bikes and have a fun day. The kids did water balloon baseball and we had hoola hoop contests and a great picnic. There were some amazing red rock cliffs to climb. That always makes me happy and the kids loved it too. Joren snuck through this crack in the mountain that was pretty impressive.  The kids got to try shooting Grandpas guns at targets. We got to swing in Aunt Katie and Uncle Danny's hammock and play sardines.  Davy brought his slack line to try too. That was a ton of fun.  Paul and I enjoyed going WAY back in the mountains and discovering some amazing places.

Hey, I’m Eirik Aanderud!

Today I just got home from Utah and we had a wedding/family reunion!

 It was REALLY fun! Some of the examples of the fun are… 1. WE climbed the red rocks![up to 1020 f.t.] 2. WE climbed mount TIMP [the hardest mountain to climb in Utah!] 3. WE shot….1. A revolver, 2. A 45 Cal, 3. A rugger 10 22, 4. A pump shot gun, and 5. A 357 Cal! I also got to ride a quad and a dirt bike! At my uncle Davy’s wedding we had to dance down the aisles with GIRLS!!! With my GIRL I just ran down the aisle shrieking as loud as I could! I finally sat down before they could call the cops!