Paul asked Eirik how the morning went. Eirik told him that mom was not in the best mood. She is only concerned about work and never about having fun. Teig's prayers lately have been this: "thank you that we are all going to have a good time today. Thank you that Mommy's going to have a good time today... in the name ..."
Paul later asked me what has been bugging me. Is there something underlying my mood that I want to talk about. I told him I would try to write about it because it felt complicated.
There is an extra-super moon tonight. I asked Paul to walk outside with me for a while. It was a special night. We stopped to eat blackberries in the alley near our house. Paul asked me in different words than this, where my joy has gone. I didn't know it was gone, but he says it has. I have felt unwell, anxious, uneasy. For a summer that should be oozing joy from all the crevices of it, I am surprisingly anxious and reserved, snappy and lacking contentment. Why? I know it has something to do with perfection. Something to do with the chase of it and the utter unattainability of it. It has something to do with how close my house is to being presentable to have people over and yet the line where it is not embarrassing is out of fingers reach. I'm sure it is exacerbated by my addiction to looking at gorgeous NON-lived in homes on Pinterest. Exploring how that is effecting our society is a giant topic. It has something to do with the never ending hurricane that roars around in my house messing everything up that I set out (kids). It could also be the never-ending state of change. Everything that is once fixed will soon be unfixed, marked, nicked, marred or otherwise destroyed. Every choice is never perfect, because there is always one better that will come along. Perfection is never attainable. Order is unattainable. I can chase it my whole life and never catch it but I still spend all day chasing it like a fool. It could also be that I am 37 and I have suddenly realized that my art is pretty terrible and I have little to show for the past few years creatively. It could also be that I am so horribly hard on myself and realize it and dislike myself more for being hard on myself. That's pretty sick. So I look around and see everyone else in their imperfection and I love them for it, but when I am imperfect, I despise it. My poor poor children who can never ever live up to my expectations of perfection. I know I have to change, but I don't know how to stop being critical. I want to stop, but I can't. I want to be pleasant, but I am a beeatch who points out every error.
I've been reading the news a lot and trying to feel like I have something/ anything to say that does not bore people to death, ie, my husband. Yes, I'm more informed, but I'm so disturbed. That might have something to do with my mood. Christians being slaughtered, ebola, genital mutilation, homeless people being beaten to death, mothers disappearing from the town next to mine, ISIS invading, Palestinians being bombed... how can people read the news and be jazz hands happy about crafting and beautiful parties and poppies? I'm not, I'm overwhelmed and scared. I want my kids to grow up in a place where they don't accidentally download an app and end up blackmailed by someone in another country. I worry that my 8 year old sons friends from church are playing adult video games that I won't even watch. And mostly I worry that Joseph Smith might have been a fraud. I know that was a big jump, but I guess that's my biggest fear. My life is built around a man we put on a pedestal as the mouthpiece for God in this dispensation and it really all hinges on him. Was he a true prophet or not? He was remarkable. He was brilliant. He was a phenomenal, charismatic leader and yet he lied about the Egyptian Papayra. He sent men on missions and then married their wives. How can I stand behind that? If I can't, then I am living a lie and it all crumbles around me. What do I have to rebuild with? I would have so much to learn. I am a Mormon. My ancestors all lived polygamy. I have lived breathed and slept all things Mormon all my life. I want it all to be true. I want it all to be true.
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