Friday night driving
by the river, bight golden moon full and round in the sky. I'm alone for the
first time in what seems like weeks. I'm driving to pick up my boys from a
Lego party and stealing a few moments to dictate my thoughts as
I drive through the sweet little town of Oregon city full of lights and
the glitter of Christmas. There are bright windows with store displays and people all
over, yet I feel isolated. I talk to so few people in my small circle of
influence. I go outside so seldom. I order everything online to avoid
the drives and the stores. Today I had a primary meeting and by the end
Juniper was a wreck needing a nap and I rushed out as quickly as
possible. While I might have had a moment to socialize with a group of women, I had to rush out. One of the women said, she was sorry that
it's so hard to do things with little kids and I said it's going on
eight years of that and I wonder if it ever ends. Surely my attitude needs to change. I've been trying to enjoy
every minute with my sweet baby. She's so busy all the time doing the
babies do best dumping, pouring, swirling, smashing, squishing, pushing, and
making messes of everything. I feel like my obsessive-compulsive has
kicked into higher gear lately which may or may not be true. I just wish
I were different. I wish I didn't care. I wish my house could be a
wreck and I'd be fine but I can only handle it for a short time and then
I go nuts and start ignoring everything except cleaning the house.
We've been watching Lucy; Jeanette's dog for a week and a half and Juni
will not stay out of Lucy's food. She's just trying to be helpful, but she
makes such a mess. She's always asking for food and then when I give it
to her, she gives it to Lucy, or smears it everywhere, or dumps it out, or pours it from one dish to another. She's a perfect baby. And I am such an imperfect mom. I want to scream.
I'm also in another food crisis. It
seems to never end. I went to a gas station tonight with Paul and Eirik so Paul can get a drink. When we are inside Paul turned me and said "this
is dinner". Since the kids are at a birthday party and were headed to a
school function right after we pick them up, it didn't seem like too
bad of an idea, so I grabbed a warm burrito and a pizza stick and a corndog
for me and Juni and Eirik, (and some cookies and pop). And as I pay, I feel like a failure; like I'm letting them down and
letting myself down and being a victim of our unhealthy society. All week
I tried to serve myself and my kids healthy food.
I've been extra conscious about sugar this week. Today as I ate a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats with almond milk, feeling pretty good about my healthy choice, I read the sugar content and realized I
was eating 18 g of sugar and one bowl. And then I realized almost
everything else I ate today had added sugar. How can we ever get away
from it because it is so pervasive in our society? Sugar is such a mainstay.
And as I think about how sugar and screens are raising my kids I feel overwhelmed and trampled down because there's no fighting it. I can never
offer something they will want more than candy and TV. From the moment Teig wakes up it is immediately a series of negotiations about screen time and food. "Can I eat a cookie? Can I watch Wild Kratts?" "A cookie is not breakfast food and you know the rules about screen time." Despite being firm and steadfast about screen time rules, the battle wages incessantly. I can never give them enough screen time. And I am always the bad guy when I turn it off. It results in screams and anger almost every time despite the fact that they loose more screen time if they throw a tantrum about turning it off. The issue is pervasive though. I'm no
different. I rarely rarely watch TV, but I find that
I'm on a screen every single moment that I have the opportunity to be;
just like my kids are. I'm not at on screens for entertainment but to work, to do projects, to be productive, and to learn things . I find myself being addicted to knowing the answers to my questions immediately. I know my children are experiencing
the same things. We are experiencing an absolute thirst and hunger for immediate answers, stimulation, and entertainment. It brings up so many questions for me about
what it's going to do to us and I think constantly about how different
we are from any generation that's come before us. We have nothing to
compare this to. We have no way to know how raising our children with an
iPhone in their hand is going to affect them. We can only guess. We can
only hope it won't be horrible for them. We can only hope it will be good
for then somehow. Pediatricians say one hour a day of screen time is
what's recommended. I know very few people who really do that now. I believe that our brains crave knowledge. They dislike boredom. We naturally like to know answers. There is nothing wrong with filling our children's brains with answers from screen time... or is there? I feel like what we are experiencing is unprecedented. Experiential knowledge is different and in many ways far superior to knowledge acquired from a screen. I'd like to give my kids real experiences and make sure their brains develop in lots of ways and not in a narrow path created by visual stimulation, but society is so different now. How can I provide enough experiences that can compete with screens? I can't. It is pretty amazing that we can experience things like being
under the water with sharks through watching it on TV because most of
us wouldn't ever get to do that in real life.The fact
that my grandfather is terrified enough of the Internet that he refuses
to have it in his house is fascinating and concerning because I don't
want to discount his opinion completely just because he's old. On the other hand, I'd rather go without heat than the internet. Well almost. Thank you internet for being you; for being so outrageously awesome! How can I be so torn about this? I guess I'm terrified of addiction and I lack faith in my kids. Is that what it comes down to? Is it that I don't believe they have the ability to learn to self monitor?
I started doing jedi/ yoga training every Sunday morning to teach them to breath, relax, find their center, believe in themselves and learn stress managment skills. I like it. So far they don't love it, but will still do it with me. I want to stop the battle over screen time and give them more of what they want without feeling guilty. Making them hate me is not the answer. Having contention over it is not working. Maybe giving it so much negative attention by asking them to turn it off or keep it off so much is making the problem far worse. The problem is, if I don't regulate, that is all they will do...litterally. So, what's a mom to do?
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