Anticipa..............................tion

Another day passes. They just keep going by and there's nothing I can do about it. My baby girl gets one day closer to not needing me, and resenting me as I am told all teenage girls do. My boys get one day closer to all those teenage mistakes that keep me up at night worrying about. My face got a new dimple this week. Not a cute one, but a wrinkle dimple in my chin. It made me feel really old. I'm old enough that last night Paul and I spent 15 min reminiscing about some favorite memories and they seemed like a lifetime ago even though they were only 10 years past. I saw a photo of Eirik and Joren from when we first moved into Grosse Ile and they both fit in the kitchen sink playing together! It doesn't seem that long ago. The passage of time is always in the forefront of my mind as the days are checked off before life changes so dramatically in just 3 weeks from today. I keep seeing myself in my mind boarding the plane with three of my kids leaving Michigan for the last time. It's not unexpected. We have planned this exact thing since we started 8 years ago and it has arrived. I know how thing are supposed to go. I know the plan. I have confidence that all will go well and that we are moving to a great place. Yet for some reason I find that I feel numb. I can't really explain it except that I feel like I should be devastated and ecstatic at the same time and maybe i am both so equally that they are canceling each other out and I am just numb instead. I feel like I am following a plan and jumping into the unknown. In a lot of ways this is just out of my control.

Having 4 kids is more overwhelming than I think either of us figured.  We are loving it, but we are running ragged. We knew this would be a trying couple of months, and we are up for it, but we are in deep and we are swimming hard.

Teig loves Tigers

Last morning I saw a real tiger and it got bugers out of its nose and it ate it all up.. Sersly. Real.
Andover tiger I saw at your room yesterday when we went to church and I ride on him.
Once upon a time I got a tiger and he ate all the bear up. He missed the one and run reawwy fast.

Today all my toys disappeared. They're gone. Tigers live in the forest. He said you can ride on my back and hold on reawy tight and he run reawwy reawwy fast.
Today at the tigers game we eat and ride on the tigers.
Today we played in the rain in my raincoat and umbrellas and I spwashed.

God's Hand today

I have been feeling so emotional about moving this week. Yikes.. All of my preparation has not prevented the waves of anxiety, sadness, excitement, fear.. you name it, from rolling over me this week.  My friend Emily taught me the work natsukashi.. a sort of a melancholy or state of reminiscing.  That's how I have been feeling all week.  Everything I do I think, "is this the last time I get to do this?" Everyone I talk to I think, "will I ever see you again?" My bishop stood up in fast and testimony meeting and got emotional about how he will miss all of the families that are moving.  I had to say goodbye to Anona since her family moved first. They left last week and it felt really weird to sit in our row behind her empty row on Sunday.  There is no way to express how much I will miss her. My sister in law Jeanette was in town this weekend and she asked me what I have been doing with my time. I told her that besides taking care of 4 kids and obsessing about moving and packing and getting rid of things I have been spending my time trying to spend quality time with the people I love.  I told her that I wish I could have brought someone to the gospel while I was here. I wish I would have seen someone become reactivated because of my efforts as Relief Society president or visiting teacher. I wish I could have lightened someone's load more while I was here. I would like to think that I am leaving Michigan better than it was when I got here, somehow. It is hard to know who I might have influenced and what good might have come from my efforts. I know I have loved a lot of people here and I have made many memories, but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough.
This weighty feeling has been on my mind for a while and yesterday the missionaries called me and said they had prayed and thought to call me and see if there is anything that I need. I was very surprised but said, "as a matter of fact, I do have a project I could really use your help on." They came right over and I put them to work digging out one of my square foot garden beds into wheelbarrows and they pushed two full wheelbarrows full of dirt over to Debbe's house around the corner and we built a square foot garden for her. They also helped me return some big items we had of hers at our house from the garage sale. They worked for several hours and then they came in and helped me by eating heaping plates full of leftovers of the food I have been making to use up the food in my freezer.  The best part about their visit though was when Elder Martinez said, "Sister Aanderud, Heavenly Father wants you to know that he is thankful for the hard work you have done in this ward. It is time for you to move on and he wants you to know that he will take care of the people here that you care about."  The spirit bore whitness to me that he was speaking as one of Heavenly Father's servants and that those words were really what the Lord wanted me to hear. It was a great blessing. Elder Martinez said that it was great that they got to come do service, but he really came to tell me what the Lord wanted me to hear. God knows us. Isn't it wonderful that He is in the details of our lives.  I was grateful for the whole morning because I was so glad to be able to share my garden and bless Debbe's life, and I was grateful to see God's hand in my life so clearly.  What a blessing!

Teig is two..still

Tonight Teig told me that sometimes I hurt his feelings when I tell him to go to bed and he says no. When I asked him more about it, I realized that he was telling me that he did not want to feel like he was a "bad Teigy". My heart just melted. He puts up such a huge fight about so many things. It was sweet to see him try to explain that he did not want to be "bad Teigy", he just did not want to
go to bed. I wish I could be more lenient with him about things. I just don't see how we can drive without him in his carseat, or get out of the tub with soap in his hair, or let him throw his toys, or stay up all night. He wants so desperately to be a big boy like his brothers. It makes him crazy mad if they leave for school without kissing him goodbye. He hates naps because he wants to be big so bad. He really is a sweetie. His latest manipulation is to say, "I just want you to hold me mommy." even if he is conning me, how can I say no? Please Lord, bless me with patience. He is only 2 for a few more months. Help me be good and kind to him!

Spring weekend

What a fun weekend! On Friday morning we learned we had a buyer for our fish tank. It is a bittersweat moment indeed. I will admit it is a huge relief to me. A woman is coming in two days to buy it as a whole including all of the equipment. We will miss its beauty, but we decided to use the money from the sale to buy a 1968 Ford Truck! 
Paul had Friday off. We spent the glorious morning cutting the grass and weeding. It was a gorgeous day with blossoms in every shade and life bursting all around. The fresh cut grass shaved from its 7" of spring lushness mixed with the sensational fragrance from the lily if the valley was almost euphoric. After lunch and in between business calls and Teigs turbulent tantrums we stole a few precious moments sunbathing on the back porch. This is how I will remember Michigan springs. Abundant in life and rich in quality.

 

On Friday night Paul loaded E and J and two of their friends in the van for the father son campout. they went off to do manly things they do like practice archery, throw their new homemade knives, start fires and roast starbursts, run around with flashlights until the wee hours of the night and finally to sleep in our new spacious 10 man tent. Paul said they were right near a rock festival and the airport so the sleeping was slim to none, but Eirik came home the next morning with the biggest smile on his face of all time.
Friday night was a little weird for me. A week earlier I asked 5 girls if they wanted to come over for a girls night. I only heard back from one of them and she couldn't come so I was feeling a bit lonely. Teig was awful company. For every one moment he is deliciously cute there are 10 where I want to flee from his presence. I made popcorn and watched tinker bell with him; his choice, and then struggled to finally get him to submit to sleep at 9:00. Then I watched movies until I fell asleep. Mercifully Teig slept in. His brothers weren't here to wake him early so he slept until 9:00. I handed him the iPhone and slept until 10!! I didn't tell Paul. It's not really fair after he slept in a tent, but I don't feel too bad. I let him sleep in whenever he can.
When the boys rolled in with slurpies at 11, we all got in the car and headed to a birthday party at an arcade. The kids bragged about going canoeing that morning and playing laser tag, go -carts and bouncy house all in one day. On the way home from the birthday party Paul stopped at Bob Jo's custard shop, apparently a legendary downriver stop. It's been around since 1947 and we all got giant cones. The boys all gorged themselves so we got to skip dinner completely.
Tonight was sort of a big night for us. Teig fell asleep on our way home and Paula and I told E and J to go up and put themselves to bed. They did!!! For the first time ever without having a babysitter, we skipped bed time routine. Weird, and nice.
We only have three more Sundays in our ward.We loved having the Davis boys sleep over a few nights. They all found baby bunnies in our front yard.  Last year when they slept over we found a giant bullfrog so I am glad this year did not disappoint.

Teig's journal May 8th-2 1/2 years old

I wike Wiwy (Lily) He is my fwavworite. And I wike Charlie and Daniel Eirik Joren and mommy and daddy. I pway wif tor and Juni. Juni is my best fwriend. No he is not bigger yet. (Teig says he for all girls still.)
What are your favorite things to do?
Pway wif my toys. I can do wots of fings. I wove aw my stuff. I have dominoes. All my fings are mine and I can't share. They are all the fings I need to play. There's red and green and blue and purple, no there's not purple. Dis is my backpack. Johnny brought it for me. I wove my going going coins. ( gold coins). I put vem in my safe.
I will tew you a stowy bout a dagon! (dragon). Once pon a time ver was a berry scary Dagon. He had sharp cwaws, sharp teef, sharp eyes and a sharp forehead. He went wike zis.. Roar! Ven I ride on his back. Ve end.

May!

The glorious first week of May has finally arrived.  After a lengthy, deep latency, the world is awakening once again.  For years I have referred to it as hibernation because I feel like I am suddenly rubbing a deep sleep from my eyes.  We spent the weekend in the new sunshine running the garage sale, then a glorious Sunday on the back porch just enjoying the sun.  Last night for family home evening we had a hot dog roast and the boys got to collect the firewood for the campfire.  The magnolia trees are out in their glory and the yard is full of giant tulips and daffodils.  The field of lily of the valley is becoming lush around the pond.  The boys took off all of their clothes on Sunday and dipped their legs in the water enjoying the freedom of warmth.  For months it's as if we have been just surviving and now suddenly we are living.  I piled the plates full of vegetables and fruit yesterday on the back porch.  It is glorious.  When so many months separate the late summer from the spring you almost forget how wonderful it is.. almost.  But I remembered well enough that in anticipation I worked really hard during the cold weeks of spring so that now that May has arrived, I can slow down and enjoy it a bit more.

Order and chaos at home

I have spent weeks going through everything we own and trying to weed through it and keep about 1/2 of it. This weekend we will have a garage sale and say goodbye to a lot of our possessions. It has been an interesting process of purging and letting go and doing some serious organizing. I have been through all our clothes, all my art supplies, all our papers, books, binders, toys, costumes, furniture, cards, linens, toiletries, storage, decorations and kitchen stuff. I still have he garage to do but it's so filled with stuff we are getting rid of that it's hard to get to the organizing.
I want a clean fresh start. I also feel weighed down trying to keep so much stuff cleaned up and organized. Partly it's a control thing. In a way I feel out of control in my home because motherhood is a process of letting go everyday. I guess I feel that if I get rid of stuff there will be room for more order. Maybe I am dreaming though. I'm not sure. I organize because I see immediate order where with my kids I feel I can not create order. I find myself nagging and getting nowhere. I really don't understand boys. My poor boys. They must feel so misunderstood. This is a picture of my boys desks. Why do they look like this again?!! We just organized them. They collect so much junk. I can not control their chaos even though I would love to!

Here it is!! Our new Nest. I can't wait!

It's not my style, but we are going to love living here.  I feel very optimisitc and I am putting aside the interior designer in me for at least another year. I love granite countertops and I love stone on the exterior.  Paul says there are frogs in the tiny pond in the front.  The boys will love that.  I can't wait to meet the neighbors.

Eeeeeeeee!!

DD (Dreamy Doc) found us a house today in West Linn!  We were planning that I would fly out in May to look for a house because we assumed it might be still a little too early to secure something for mid June, but it looks like these guys will hold this one for us.  Everyone tells us the market is so hot in WL that you have to jump while the fruit is ripe or it's gone. A realtor friend in the ward called to tell us she found a house that was not even on the market yet. She said, "I found it! It's perfect!"Paul went to see it and is ready to put down a deposit tomorrow. He says we won't find anything better. It is in a great neighborhood, blocks from the church and right in the area with the great schools that we want to be in.  It's within a block form a huge park, meadow with tennis courts and basketball hoops.  There are tons of kids and moms everywhere.  It's on a very non- busy street, and it had enough rooms ie/ lots of space.  It is really nice out front, and its' very new and it looks well made.
We have both been saying for years that we don't want a great big home.
1.  I don't want to have to clean a huge house.
2. I don't want to have to search for my kids for dinner in a huge house.
3. I don't want the kids to disappear for hours and I don't hear from them.
So, why are we choosing a huge house??
I love old houses, and houses with character. I love houses with rustic charm and farmhouse feel. I love being in nature and having big trees around me and having a garden and spending all spring and summer outside.  So why are we choosing a new, vanilla, white box house with no charm or character and an ity bity yard and no spot for a garden? hmm... and paying a lot for it?.... hmm....
We have a huge dog with black fur and this house is all white carpet. hmm......
We have always said that we want to be able to choose who our kids hang out with. So why are we moving to suburia central where we will have every neighbor kid on the block knocking on the door and our kids running to every neighbor kids house every day?  hmmm.....
I want a yard and some land to put the boys to work so they stay grounded and grateful.

Well, the answers to all those questions:
1. I have missed sitting on soft carpet.
2. It will be nice to be so close to neighbors and other mormons and lots of kids and friends and the church.
3. it's temporary
4. We can paint whatever walls we want
5. But the most important reason is that the Lord told us pretty clearly when we prayed that West Linn was the place for us, so we are listening, and this is available, and we have not seen many other options in all the months we have been looking.  
6. I think we are going to really like it.

Teig the terror

The tantrums this week have reached epic highs. I thought no one could beat Eiriks tirades when he was 2, but Teig has demonstrated the same relentless stamina. My blood pressure and anxiety go through the roof when he boils over. In the doctors office this week he exploded over the tiniest thing, screamed his blood curdling scream and threw his head back violently on the floor. I had to help him out of the office by lifting him by one arm because I had Juni in a car seat in the other arm. I have been through it enough to know that this too will pass and I might actually see my Sweet T again someday. I just hope it passes before my plane trip to Utah in June where I will be flying with three of my kids by myself. Managing that kind of tantrum on a plane while helping Juni if she is crying and Joren, if he is demanding, could get interesting... but it will be for 9 hours of travel instead of all the way across the country stopping to nurse every couple of minutes while kids scream about hating their car seats. It sounds a lot more manageable to me and I can't wait to spend time with my family in Utah!  Oh Teig.. we will get through this, you and me. 

Juni's Banner

I finished Juni's banner. I love how it matches the crib ruffle I made. I used freezer paper to make the stencil and painted the J with craft paint. The flowers were fun to make. I hope she likes it. :)

The Countdown

I just learned that our friends Anona and Trevor sold their house. They may be packing up almost a month earlier than they planned.  Moving day.. this huge day that represents such enormous changes for our family suddenly seems so close.  I've been doing the countdown in my head for over a year and a half, and of course planning and trying to anticipate every little thing for about as long.  So many things have been surprises or out of my control, but the day we leave has been pretty set and now it is only 9 weeks away.  That means only 2 more bunco nights with the girls, 9 more playgroups, 2 more rent checks, 9 more Monday trips to Aldi, 2 or 3 more trips to our library, 3 more weeks teaching primary and volunteering in the boys classrooms, and only one more beautiful Michigan spring.  Watching spring come alive is exhilarating.  I love our gorgeous backyard. In our new home in Oregon, will we have nature in our backyard like we do here?  I don't imagine we will ever have deer and coyotes and squirrel and bunnies and woodpeckers and cardinals as constant friends.  And there are many other things I will miss so much about living here. I feel like our time here has been magical. We were blessed to find this home with all of it's quirks like the constantly squeaky floors and power surges and with all it's amenities like granite counter tops and fish in the pond out back.  I have collected some lovely treasures while we have lived here and I'll admit, a lot of belongings have come along with the addition of 2 babies and a dog to our life in this house.  When we moved here from our apartment 3 years ago we pretty much filled a 27' truck.  I don't know how, but we did. Now, with that in mind, I have spent months asking myself with every object I touch, "does this come with us or get sold, given away or trashed?"  I have always worried that I was too connected to my things, and that I allow them to define me too much.  I often gauge my level of vanity or dependence on things in my life by asking myself if I would be willing to let it go, let it all go.  So the question of what stays and what goes is not just a simple, "do we need it or do we like it?  I like pretty much all of my stuff.  If I don't love it, I'm sort of attached to it because I made it or refinished it, or re-purposed it, or have plans for it.  Some things are hard to part with because they are gifts from people I may never see again.  And, some of our belongings are special because they have been with us through these wonderful years of babies that I treasure so much.  DD and I talk a lot about what it might be like when we have enough money that I don't have to fix every little darn thing that breaks, and we might just be able to replace broken and crappy things.  To be honest, I have a hard time picturing that day although I believe my husband when he says that it will come.  Still, I don't really want to live out of boxes and sit on the floor for years because we gave away all of our furniture.  It's a little overwhelming and I need to have my garage sale because as soon as I unload all the stuff I know we are leaving, I think I will feel a lot better.
The big question is, "how can I know if it is going to fit in a 27' truck so that on moving day I am not frantic to fit 5 more feet of belongings somewhere at the last minute?

Our New Business

Dr. A and I have been busy.  We are so excited that the goals we have been working toward for so many years are finally taking shape.   I am so proud of my Dreamy Doctor (DD) husband. When he puts his mind to something he is like an unstoppable tank.  He knew he wanted his own practice.  He built a vision for it and that vision is nearly complete.  We are laying all the groundwork and getting ready for that exciting first day of work.  Today Paul spent the day deciding on health insurance for us and all the employees.  I spent the day getting quotes on signage and typing our Employee Policy Manual.  We got our new logo this week.  We love it!  I hope you do to.  We had a designer named Ryan Stephens do it for us.

OUR NEW LOGO! 

This is a mock up of an appointment card which will obviously have other doctors names on it along with Paul's.  I think the logo is a great mix of clean, modern and reproducible with a great organic element.  It lends itself to a clinical feel and also a skin care line/ medi-spa feel.  We will print the cards with raised ink.  I want to have a sandblasted sign of the leaf/ layers of skin mark to hang in the lobby.  I just love it. 

There are lots of decisions left to be made, but most of the important groundwork is done.  We finally finished the purchase and sale agreement (months in the making), signed the paperwork on the lease and paid first months rent, and got all the documentation done to receive the loans we will need to purchase the practice and the accounts receivable.  Piece by piece the puzzle is coming together.  We are being very blessed in this process.  I am so excited!

 Great work so far Dr. A!

Juni is One month old!

I could spend every hour of my days holding and staring at June.  She is gorgeous.  She is already one month and 3 days old and I am just dying that it is going so fast. The days of her incubation inched by like they would never end and now the long moments of watching her sleep race by way too fast.  I have loved and savored every minute of this month. She is perfection.  I feel like I can see her growing from one feeding to the next. She gets more solid every time I pick her up.  There are really no words to describe how utterly and completely I feel devoted to her.  it is not different than how I felt with any of my babies, but I think that since she is probably our last baby I am more desperately in sync with her every move. I spend a lot of time imagining what she will be like at 2, and at 5, and at 12 and 18, and 85.  It's amazes me that I am holding a little woman, a spirit that could be anyone, and I get the privilege of getting to know her and helping her understand this big world. When I

think of how she is my spiritual sister, I feel so totally honored that I get to be her mother. I want everything that is best for her. When Paul asked me what i hoped he was include in her blessing i said I hoped that she would hunger and thirst after righteousness and that she would have a shield of protection against anyone who would want to cause her harm, and that someday she would find a man to take her to the temple that would love and protect her the way my husband loves me.