The Flu continued. ...

I thought we were through the flu, but we had yet another week of it. Teig would not eat all week.  He is at the stage where he does not want to be fed anymore, plus he was not feeling well.  And on top of that, his favorite thing to do is to throw his food on the floor and then look at me to shake his head with a little grumpy scowl like I do to him.  It's cute, but oh so frustrating.  For most of the week I was only able to get him to eat a few bites here or there.  Most of the time when he will finally consent and let me spoon something in his mouth, he will open his mouth and let it ooze out everywhere.  The worst part is watching him get skinnier every day and not have wet diapers.  He was drinking a bottle or two of milk a day a bit at a time, and Thursday he finally drank a bottle of pedia-lite.  By Thursday, he finally ate a small meal and by Friday he was asking for food again.  All along Joren has been feeling fine so Tuesday I sent him to a valentine's party at Erin's house.  I did not go and I did not take Teig because he was still too sick.  Well, the next morning Joren woke up throwing up and it lasted miserably through the day and evening.  He felt awful and could not keep down even a sip of water.  It is so hard to watch your kids be sick, and hard to stay positive through the torrential complaining and grumpiness.  Wed night we had a mid week RS meeting where we had a trivia game about the Daughter's in My Kingdom book.  I went even though I was not feeling emotionally fit to be in public.  I was so exhausted.  At the end of the meeting, someone asked me how Teig was doing and I starting crying.  They were all really supportive and let me vent for a few minutes and it was really great to be with my sisters from the ward.  They all gave me hugs and encouragement and love.  I felt so much better after getting my tank refilled by their love.  I realized after talking for a few minutes that it was mid February and I have a tradition of getting down in February.  It's been really rainy and very cold for several weeks I have not been outside at all.  Staying in the house for 2 weeks with sick kids and a stinky, hairy messy dog gets me a little crazy, and I was on my period, so all in all, I was quite an emotional mess.   My friend Erin, who I don't think has ever been depressed in her whole life asked me what was taking my time, what my stresses were.  I think she was trying hard to understand where I was coming from and I could tell that my emotion was a little foreign to her.  I thought about it for a second and realized that the most honest answer was that my time was being filled with my desire to do art.  Not actually making art, but my mind realing with plans to do art.  When I don't have any control over the actions of my kids and things aren't going as I would like them to go, I find that I escape to something that comforts me, something that I have control over and usually it is with food or art.  I told Erin that I was working on my plans to design Paul's office and trying to get some knowledge about healthcare design, but really I said, the truth is I love art and design so much and I feel like I am so much better at them than I am at motherhood.  Saying it out loud in that setting was really freeing.  I felt like all these women work so hard to be excellent mothers, just like I do and it was a good moment for me to tell them all how hard it was and I think we all bonded a little bit and they all willingly helped me bear my burden by loving and supporting me.  It was a really special moment for me and I was really grateful for their friendship.

Today is Friday and we drove to Birminham to drop Paul off at work and hang out with him before and after.  We all went to Pei Wei for lunch.  Paul bought two entres, edemame, and lettuce wraps and hot and sour soup.  I thought it was so extravagant and as we ate I felt so cared for and loved.  I would never have bought all of that food.  It seemed like more than we could possibly need, but that was the absolute beauty of it.  In that simple act, I felt like life was good again.   I get into scarcity mode sometimes and need to be reminded that life is to be enjoyed as well as endured.  We had such a nice meal and I loved every minute of it.  The kids loved trying chopsticks and getting fortune cookies.  Teig's fortune was the best:  one side had the translation for MILK and the other side said, "Be patient, the beginning is always the most challenging." 
After lunch we went to Nordstrom Rack and I got to shop for a few minutes.  Not the easiest with three boys, but Paul was wonderful and accommodating and I felt really loved and it was GREAT to be out of my house and in the actual, tangible world outside of my little tiny dark kitchen with sick kids.  We came home feeling much better and then Paul took me to our ward Valentine's Dance.  We danced like crazy fools with our crazy, great little ward family around us.  It was a marvelous time and Paul was wonderful.  He could have easily had a really bad attitude, but he chose to be awesome about it and he was the life of the party.  I love him so much.

A day of Love

I decided to start a new tradition this year.  I made cheese and chocolate fondue for our Valentine's dinner.  We had french bread and veggies for the cheese and strawberries, grapes and bananas to dip in the chocolate.  I used amazing recipes from Erin's sisterscafe blog.  I made the "gentlemen" in my house dress up and we all sang songs that had the word love in them and then went around telling each other things we love about one another.  It was pretty nice.  I had fun amidst the farting, climbing on the table, knocking over glasses of water and Teig screaming.  It was ok.  I had the great idea to use our new candle warmer to keep the chocolate warm.  It worked great!  I think this tradition will be one of those things that gets better with time.  I hope. :) The food was delicious and Paul did the dishes, so it was a big hit for me!

We made these cute valentine's for the kids friends this year:  Mrs. Biro, Eirik's K teacher has her birthday on V-DAy, so she get's special card with her arrow this year.  Eirik just loves her. 

The Flu

Eirik stayed home from school Monday and Tuesday with a sore throat, cough, runny nose and crazy irritability.  He gets so controversial when he does not feel well.  Everything is a fight.  I just had to put on my blank, "I'm really in Aruba" face to make it through until Wed when he went back to school.  On Thursday night he started saying he did not feel so well and cried and moaned until he threw up in his bed and then laid on the couch for several hours vomiting intermittently.  Friday was a lot more fighting and moaning.   Friday night Joren peed in his bed. Saturday morning we thought we were better and went to a craft/ storytime at the library and then to the grocery store as a family, but at the end of the day Teig was not looking good.  He would not eat and that night he threw up in his bed.  I did not realize it until we smelled it and realized he was asleep in it. Ugh.. I had to scrub it out of his ears and hair in the bath in the middle of the night.  Sunday morning, after changing the laundry again, we decided Paul would go to church this week since he stayed home with sick kids last week.  A bit before church Paul got a call telling him he was supposed to be on snow removal and there was a fresh 4".  (Thanks for the early notice.)  As Paul was trying to rush to the church, his car would not start.  We could not find the jumper cables.  Then, when we found them, they would not work.   I could not get anyone on the phone to ask them to conduct for me, so I had to send a lot of stuff with Paul which made him even later.  Our house is full of mice and we had to clean out 3 mouse traps before church.  We just washed Tor and he rolled in something dead so he smells too gross to let in the house.  There is a leak in the laundry room and there is water all over the floor.  We just had the plumber fix it.  The whole time, sick kids are crying and being super annoying. A comment of Paul's describes this morning perfectly. "I love our kids, but sometimes they suck out my soul."  After Paul left the boys were watching a show on the couch.  I walked in and could tell someone had vomited, but I could not tell where or whom.  I looked and looked for the cause of the smell.  Of course, the boys were not helpful on this important issue.  Finally I located the curdled throw-up in Joren's rubber (inside and out) rain boot.  To this I offer a big thank you to future grown up Teig for finding the one washable container in the room to throw up in.  How an 18 month old is smart enough to do that, I will never know.  That was the best part of my day.  For some reason, having cranky, sick kids equals double the mess, double the cleaning and by Sunday night I was just at a breaking point.  Our friends Annie and Ryan stopped by and brought us homemade snickers and invited us over to watch the Grammy's.  I looked at Paul with tears in my eyes and said, can i go??
He said of course and pushed me out the door.  What a great husband.

 

And he keeps us laughing too. : )

Joren 4yrs 2 months

My Joren.
I remember thinking I would never live through the stage when Eirik insisted on wearing snow pants and boots in 90 degree summer weather.  It made me crazy, but even that did not prepare me for Joren insisting on wearing a short sleeve shirt and going barefoot all winter.  It is making me crazy.  I don't mind being hot, but being cold incapacitates me.  Joren doesn't seem to mind.  He goes outside with no protection and comes in red and frozen and crying and then does it again the next day.  Ahhh!  He is so frustrating and stubborn.  He wears the same t-shirts every day and hates the clothes I pick.  I guess I should have been prepared for that one too.  I forget so fast.  Writing this reminds me that it will probably pass and be replaced with some other stubborn habit.  I should be glad for this one right?  "yesterday he was so hot he said, "I just really need to get my shirt off recently right now!"

He is also bent on calling me the stupidest mom ever about 54 times a day.  Unless, otherwise I am "the best mom in the whole entire history of the university of moms, even better than a blue whale, even better than a worm, even better than vis whole entired house!!!!"  He sometimes snuggles up, (which usually end in me getting hurt somehow because the kid is not capable of touching someone without crashing into, grabbing, bouncing off of or smashing you) and says, "I wuv you mom.  You're even better van a brown bat!"  (um.. thanks, I think.)  It's a love/ hate relationship.  That swings both ways.  That kind of works with a random comment he said the other day.  Out of the blue he said, "Mom, our family has medium love."  I'm not exactly sure what he meant, but maybe he meant that half of the time he feels loved and half of the time he can tell I am gritting my teeth and trying not to scream.

At the park Joren latched on to a certain stick he found.  He told me it was special because it was a bull's tusk.

On the way home that day he asked me how long the future is.

I was doing a food order with a lady in my ward who has made a pretty hard life for herself.  I had to laugh, (later, after I left) when she told me that her daughter has a good shoulder on her head.  I pray for her. :)

I asked the boys how they get the priesthood.  They both thought for a while and then Eirik said, "well, you have to save a princess."

Ice Daze at Erie Metro Park

Our metro park is always a special place.  We frequent the nature museum there, but today was deliciously surprising.  It was the annual Ice Daze weekend.  We went before lunch and all the boys got to ride together on a wooden sled pulled by a team of 6 gorgeous huskies.  The boys loved the dogs and got a great thrill being pulled through the 4" of freshly fallen snow.  (It happened to be our first real snow of the season that fell just last night!)  I was just amazed at how tiny the huskies were.  I'm getting pretty used to our mammoth Tor and bitty little huskies pulling a sled with 4 people kind of shocked me.  The museum curator named Jerry was sculpting a tree out of two blocks of ice in front of the museum with a chainsaw.  I really enjoyed watching him especially because I once carved a tree out of a stump with a chainsaw and I know how fun it is.  The boys loved playing a game called snow snaking where a long skinny stick is slid down a channel dug in the snow and your distance is measured.  They got pretty good at it.  Inside the museum there was so much to do.  There was a beautiful angora rabbit owned by an excentric woman who spun angora yarn for us and helped the boys make rope from yarn.  There were 7-8 grandfatherly men all with white hair and beards tying flies and teaching observers about the art.  There was a fish sculptor demonstrating his skill of carving and painting.  There was a table of astronomers teaching about telescopes and binoculars and sun flares and star charts.  I would have liked to spend hours with each of these people, but we moved onto the museum classroom where sweet grandmotherly volunteers helped my boys sew fabric snakes.  Joren loved packing stuffing into the snake until it was rock hard.  The ladies helped them sew up the ends and the boys drew faces on their snakes.  There was lacing and coloring and dot to dots and muskrat puppets that you could make clothes for.  As Teig started to melt down I reigned in the kids to get them to the car before the tears of hunger and naptime ensued, but we had to catch a quick glimpse of the silver strings Dolcimer society that had just begun playing.  It was in a small room in the middle of the museum with only about 15 chairs for audience.  There were chairs open so we grabbed the two on the end.  I am not exagerating when I say that we were all completely engrossed.  20 stringed instruments including banjos, guitars, dolcimers, harps, bass, and fiddles, harmonicas and some I did not know played dancing songs, joyeous and classic song right in front of us.  Joren almost bumped the fiddle in front of us about 6 times.  We were that close.  I held Joren and Teig on my lap and we clapped our hands and I bounced them and I wept because the music was so beautiful and my boys were so happy.  I whispered to them that it reminded me of the dance at Grandma's house from the book "Life in the Big Woods."  They loved the reference.  Joren asked if he could play a fiddle when he grows up.  I wanted to put my arms around all these beautiful musical people.  I felt so much joy!  My kids faces were lit up more than Christmas morning.  At one point Eirik took a break from clapping and layed his head on the chair and closed his eyes to enjoy the music.  Even Teig was dancing like he couldn't stop even though he was about 3 hours late for his nap.  I don't want to ever forget.
After lunch and naps we went back.  A woman taught a class about owls in the nature classroom.  She showed a slideshow and told which owls we could find in the park.  The boys love all the taxidermy filling the shelves of the classroom.  There was even a foxes  head and they got to touch his teeth.  Then we pulled on all our gloves, hats, and scarves because we were headed out for a nature walk to hear the owls and it was 14 degrees outside.  We had to walk quietly down the dark snowy path.  Joren said he was glad he could hold my hand so he would not get scared and Teig was quiet and alert propped on my shoulders.  It was a mile trail so I was glad we had walked it many times and I knew the boys could do it.  Jerry, our guide stopped a ways in to play the sound of the screech owl on his recorder.  Then we sat perfectly still and listened.  It took a few times, but then we heard it.  The return call of the owl living in the park.  He called and called until when it was silent a minute we saw him sweep past the train in front of us and land in a tree to our left.  We called again, but he was on to us and we did not get to see him again, but the moment was brilliant.  Eirik said, "I don't want to ever forget this."  We were all delighted.  Walking in the dark with my boys in the moonlight I was thankful to be living a life full of so many delights and surprises.  I was grateful for this gorgeous world that we truly know so little about, even when we think we know.  And I was grateful that usually I have my husband by my side for these kinds of excursions because it is way easier to do this stuff with two parents.  We made our way back to a campfire outside the museum and had hot chocolate and smores.  The boys were the only kids and loved roasting the marshmallows and I think the adults loved watching their enthusiasm and seeing their happy faces.  It was a wonderful day. 

Read this again and again.

The Lord’s People Receive Revelation

Bruce R. McConkie

---

When I was a mission president in Australia, I once said to those of my missionaries in Tasmania: “Tomorrow we shall climb Mt. Wellington and hold our missionary meeting on the top. We shall there seek to commune with the Lord and partake of his Spirit.”

We made the climb, and while on top of the peak we visited a television broadcasting station. A bright young man explained to us in words I had never heard, and using principles I could not and do not understand, how the sounds and scenes of television were broadcast into the valley below.

That night, back in the city of Hobart, my two young sons and I sat before a television set that was tuned to the proper wave band, and we saw and heard and experienced what had been described to us in words.

Now I think this illustrates perfectly what is involved in the receipt of revelation and the seeing of visions. We can read about visions and revelations in the records of the past, we can study the inspired writings of people who had the fullness of the gospel in their day, but we cannot comprehend what is involved until we see and hear and experience for ourselves.

This Tabernacle is now full of words and music. Handel’s Messiah is being sung, and the world’s statesmen are propagandizing their people. But we do not hear any of it.

This Tabernacle is full of scenes from Vietnam and Washington. There is even a picture of men walking on the surface of the moon. But we are not seeing these things. The minute, however, in which we tune a radio to the proper wave band and tune a television receiving set on the proper channel, we begin to hear and see and experience what otherwise remains completely unknown to us.

And so it is with the revelations and visions of eternity. They are around us all the time. This Tabernacle is full of the same things which are recorded in the scriptures and much more. The vision of the degrees of glory is being broadcast before us, but we do not hear or see or experience because we have not tuned our souls to the wave band on which the Holy Ghost is broadcasting.

Joseph Smith said: “The Holy Ghost is a revelator.” And, “No man can receive the Holy Ghost without receiving revelations.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith [Deseret Book Co., 1968], p. 328.)

Moroni said: “… by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.” (Moro. 10:5.)

The Comforter knoweth all things; he is commissioned to bear witness of the Father and the Son, to reveal, to teach, and to testify—and he is broadcasting all the truths of salvation, and all the knowledge and wisdom of God, out into all immensity all of the time.

How this is done we do not know. We cannot comprehend God or the laws by which he governs the universe. But that it does happen we know because here in the valley below, when we attune our souls to the Infinite, we hear and see and experience the things of God.

The laws governing radio and television have existed from the time of Adam to the present moment, but only in modern times have men heard and seen and experienced these miraculous things. And the laws have always existed whereby men can see visions, hear the voice of God, and partake of the things of the Spirit. But millions of people everywhere live and die without tasting the good word of God, because they do not obey the laws which implant the revelations of the Lord in their souls.

And may I say that the only way to gain true religion is to receive it from the Lord. True religion is revealed religion; it is not a creation of man’s devising; it comes from God.

Man did not create God, nor can he redeem himself. No man can resurrect himself or assign himself to an inheritance in a heavenly kingdom. Salvation comes from God, on his terms, and the things men must do to gain it can be known only by revelation.

God stands revealed or he remains forever unknown, and the things of God are and can be known only by and through the Spirit of God.

True religion deals with spiritual things. We do not come to a knowledge of God and his laws through intellectuality, or by research, or by reason. I have an average mind—one that is neither better nor worse than the general run of mankind. In the realm of intellectual attainment I have a doctor’s degree, and I hope my sons after me will reach a similar goal. In their sphere, education and intellectuality are devoutly to be desired.

But when contrasted with spiritual endowments, they are of but slight and passing worth. From an eternal perspective what each of us needs is a Ph.D. in faith and righteousness. The things that will profit us everlastingly are not the power to reason, but the ability to receive revelation; not the truths learned by study, but the knowledge gained by faith; not what we know about the things of the world, but our knowledge of God and his laws.

Joseph Smith said that a man could learn more about the things of God by looking into heaven for five minutes than by reading all the books ever written upon the subject of religion. Religion is something which must be experienced.

I know people who can talk endlessly about religion but who have never had a religious experience. I know people who have written books about religion but who have about as much spirituality as a cedar post. Their interest in gospel doctrine is to defend their own speculative views rather than to find out what the Lord thinks about whatever is involved. Their conversations and their writings are in the realm of reason and the intellect; the Spirit of God has not touched their souls; they have not been born again and become new creatures of the Holy Ghost; they have not received revelation.

It is the privilege and the right of every member of the Church to receive revelation and to enjoy the gifts of the Spirit. When we are confirmed members of the Church, we receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, which is the right to the constant companionship of that member of the Godhead, based on faithfulness. The actual enjoyment of this gift depends upon personal worthiness. “God shall give unto you knowledge by his Holy Spirit,” the revelation says to the Saints, “yea, by the unspeakable gift of the Holy Ghost. …” (D&C 121:26.)

Speaking of the revelations received by his father, Nephi said: “… he truly spake many great things … which were hard to be understood, save a man should inquire of the Lord. …”

Of these same revelations, Laman and Lemuel said: “… we cannot understand the words which our father hath spoken. …”

Nephi asked: “Have ye inquired of the Lord?”

They replied: “We have not; for the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.”

Then Nephi came forth with this glorious pronouncement: “How is it that ye do not keep the commandments of the Lord? How is it that ye will perish, because of the hardness of your hearts?

“Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?—If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you.” (1 Ne. 15:3, 7–11.)

It is the right of members of the Church to receive revelation. Joseph Smith said: “… God hath not revealed anything to Joseph, but what he will make known unto the Twelve, and even the least Saint may know all things as fast as he is able to bear them. …” (Teachings, p. 149.)

Also: “It is the privilege of every Elder to speak of the things of God; and could we all come together with one heart and one mind in perfect faith the veil might as well be rent today as next week, or any other time. …” (Teachings, p. 9.)

Religion must be felt and experienced. In the record of the ministry of the resurrected Lord among the Nephites, we find this account: Jesus “knelt upon the earth; and behold he prayed unto the Father, and the things which he prayed cannot be written, and the multitude did bear record who heard him.

“And after this manner do they bear record: The eye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father;

“And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father.” (3 Ne. 17:15–17.)

Then of a subsequent prayer the scriptural account says: “And tongue cannot speak the words which he prayed, neither can be written by man the words which he prayed.

“And the multitude did hear and do bear record; and their hearts were open and they did understand in their hearts the words which he prayed.

“Nevertheless, so great and marvelous were the words which he prayed that they cannot be written, neither can they be uttered by man.” (3 Ne. 19:32–34.)

Religion comes from God by revelation and deals with spiritual things; and unless and until a man has received revelation, he has not received religion, and he is not on the path leading to salvation in our Father’s kingdom.

I bear testimony of these things because I have received revelation—revelation which tells me (among other things) that Jesus Christ is the Son of God; that Joseph Smith is a prophet, through whom the knowledge of Christ and of salvation has been restored for this day; and that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is in literal reality the kingdom of God on earth. And of these things I do testify, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Organizing my life

I have a new system.  I started it about 4 months ago and it has reformed my "mom job" tremendously.  I have to thank Anona for her inspiration.
It's basically a job chart for myself.  I was getting so overwhelmed with housework and feeling like it is never done that I was burning out.
So I decided that if I could do one major job a day I could probably stay on top of it. Through trial and error I have found this works for me and I love it!

Sunday: Menu plan, FHE plan, preschool plan, get babysitters for times I need them
Monday: Grocery shop, teach FHE
Tuesday: Laundry and sweep the whole house
Wed: Finish up Laundry, take out trash, vacuum
Thurs: Bathrooms, mop
Fri: dust and clean windows
Sat: Garage, Sunroom, Toy room

Of course there are lots of everyday jobs and sweeping and vacuuming have to happen more than one time a week, and everything on my chart is always flexible, but it has really helped me to have a plan and a system.  And my house thanks me.

I have really liked having my chalkboard menu in the dining room.  It makes dinner prep so much easier since I remember early in the day what we are having, I can prepare throughout the day so dinner is much easier.  We have been eating better too. :)

I know I could make better use of my evenings after the kids go to bed.  If I write down the things I am going to do on the computer before I get to the computer I'm way less likely to sit down and waste 3 hours. 

Where to live for the rest of life

It seems like such a daunting decision. One that will effect our lives and our children's lives for the rest of our time here.  15 months from now we will be packing boxes and getting reservations for our moving van/ or vans, along with a million other arrangements that will need to be made to transition our lives across this country for a big brand new life.  I think from the beginning Paul always imagined moving "home" to Oregon after his adventures learning medicine across the country.  When I broke it to him in July last year that I was not sure Oregon was calling my name, his dreams took a back seat to my suggestions.  All the advise he has ever heard and passed on concerning this subject tells him to move where his wife will be happy so that he will be happy.  He is one to take advise seriously and so he is listening to me and letting me lead the way in this decision.  I feel out of practice or maybe unpracticed at all in making major decisions for myself.   For every major decision in my life I have been pointed in the right direction by the spirit or drug by the arm, or I've been able to follow my capable husband's lead.  I have come to trust his judgement sometimes more than my own as my ideas would have led us down much less desirable paths in some cases.  He has an ability to see outcomes very well and he is good at desiring abundance in a way that I am learning how to do only by his example.  The fact that I have been so wishy washy and confused about this decision has caused me to do some real soul searching.  I have been asking myself to examine the desires of my heart.  "The only true guide is your heart.  Nothing less than it's supreme desire can help you." Christopher Paolini  I have been asking myself where I want to be in 5 years, 10 years, 40 years and what I want for my children and husband on the same road.  Where in this big beautiful country can all of our dreams come true?

Priorities:
1st  - a place where Paul can have a successful practice.  (this rules out Utah as far as we can tell)
2nd - near family
3rd- community/ schools/ ward/ culture
4th- weather/ geography
5th- proximity to temple/ activities/ shopping


Here is a little background story.  When I was in High School I met a woman who came into Dave's studio to have her body cast.  She was from Santa Fe.  She sang opera and wrote books of poetry.  She was so nice and I loved her open heart.  For years she invited me to Santa Fe and sent me poetry books and CD's of her singing for Christmas.  I never went to Santa Fe, but I sure dreamed of going and I guess I sort of framed Santa Fe as this magical place where even amateur artists of all kinds can be accepted and grow and be integrated in a community of like-minded people.  I imagined that it is a safe place where there are so many artists that people don't judge each other for opening their hearts and being vulnerable.  I pictured a warm sunny desert surrounded by red rocks and filled with shining happy artists.  There was always this place in the future of my life that I planned to fill with the magic of Santa Fe.

In the spring of last year we had a visit from a gentleman from Santa Fe, NM who dropped by our house to visit since he had raised his family here and lived here for 30 years.  I thought he was pretty wonderful and kind.  His name was Bruno Leon and he told me how the sunroom of our house was his architect studio for many years.  I loved learning that so much art had been done in our home.  He was gracious and kind, but I thought nothing more of meeting him until a few weeks ago when we received a letter from him in the mail with beautiful careful architects penmanship inviting us to Santa Fe to work.  He described the great need for dermatologists in the area and how he and several of his close loved ones had waited 6 months to be seen by the local physicians.  The letter came after many prayers  for guidance, and I am quick to label things like that as signs from the Lord.  A few weeks after that I got a Christmas card from Renatha, a girl I had not known well but had graduated with her from interior design school at BYU.  Her card was from Santa Fe where she lives with her family.  "That's it! Two signs, it's meant to be."  That's how much of an intuitive decision maker I am.  It's sure a good thing I have a thoughtful, study-it-out kind of husband to balance me out.
So, Paul, being the super supportive and kind husband that he is started doing lots of research about Santa Fe.  He said, "you would have to pick the one place that could draw me away from Oregon."  We both have been pretty excited about the prospect of going there.  Mr. Leon was right, there is a huge need there and we can be pretty confident that we could make a practice work very well there.  3 of the 5 dermatologists are about to retire and are not accepting new patients.  The other two could not get us an appointment until 2 months later.  I called and talked to Renatha for a couple of hours last week.  Some of the things she said got me really excited and other things really concerned me.  Since that conversation, my confidence has been shaken and I have been wavering.  Here are some things I love: The beauty of the mountains and landscape, 4 cloudy days a year and mild temperatures all year, the "hippie-ness" of it.  There are tons of wellness centers, Pilates and yoga studios, spiritual openness, so many workshops, beautiful areas to explore, hike, ski, bike, mountain climb, culture, tradition, multicultural, over 100 galleries, fly fishing, horseback riding and most of all tons of artists.  The concerns are these: the schools are not good at all and I have heard that the ward is not that strong or welcoming.  There is not release time seminary.  The general feeling is that the locals are not incredibly hard workers and there is feeling of procrastination like the kind I encountered in Cozumel Mexico ie: frustrating!  Also, the nearby communities like Los Alamos look down on the people of Santa Fe like they are less than.  The houses are really quite expensive, there are only a few for rent and tons for sale and there are very few with more than three bedrooms.  it sounds like they need doctors of all specialties, not just dermatologists.  (Can that be a bad sign?)  It's an hour to the Alb temple which is a little further away than I would like and I heard that some of the teenagers hate living there because there is nothing to do.  I'm sure there is plenty to do, but I don't want bored teenage boys!  I don't want to be negative, but these present pretty big questions for me.  The funniest part is that Renatha homeschools because she refuses to send her kids to the schools and she and her husband are actively looking for a job in Oregon!!!

Soooo, back to Oregon.  Today I asked Paul what he thought about trying to buy Grandpa Rallison's property a couple of years down the road.  It is near Patty and John, Ben and Kim and Jeanette and Jake.  It is near an area where we think Paul can create a strong practice.  (More research needed here.)  We both love the property.

The nature center/ running trails across the street.  Gorgeous right!!!

The estimated price for the three acres it is on would be the same price we could buy a small old home downtown Santa Fe.  Both would need remodeling, but Grandpa's comes with land to die for.  His land is right between a beautiful new nature preserve and a huge field overlooking the town below.  It is gorgeous. Anything will grow there!

Again, the nature center, literally across the street!  I know!!!

There are tons of fruit trees lining the drive and fields for all the animals Joren could ever want.  The garden is already there and fenced in.  It's ideal!  The schools and ward are good.  There is tons to do for the boys and Paul and me.  There is tons of art.  We have no way of knowing how long Grandpa wants to hang on to his property.  The only negatives are the rain and the large population.

 In Santa Fe, I feel like I could stand out. We could become important to the community or make a name for ourselves.  We would be big(ish) fish in a small(ish) pond.  In Portland, would we even stand out?  And is this even important?  I guess it's sort of silly really to care about that.  I'm still a little girl that wants to be noticed I guess.  Paul told me that a girl at his work saw my hair at our recent work party and she cut hers to try to look like me!! I was so flattered.  I have felt so invisible lately and a compliment like that really shook me and made me feel great.  I told Paul in a fit of emotion during last months hormone roller coaster (he he) that I wanted to be famous and well known for my artwork and creativity.  I told him that I am almost 35 and I have not made anything of note for such a long span of time that I feel I'm losing my spark. I am getting old and my vision for where I would be artistically is behind.  I knew I would have a hiatus with my family and I keep telling myself it is ok and good and right, but I also get scared because the longer I do not produce the more scared I get of doing it and I am watching all these remarkable women online brand themselves and create a presence that stirs in the minds and the hearts of those who visit their pages.  I am filled with inspiration from these women who's words I read, art and photography I've seen.  I want to be a part of the online movement, the movement of beautiful inspirational things that is exploding through our amazing web connections.  I have always been driving the creativity train in my little world and suddenly I am looking in the windows and missing the stops!  Ahhhh wh wh waaait for me!    I know artists can make art without fellow artists, but I do so much better with a buddy to talk things through with and get advise from and just be with. I have not had that for a long long time and the artist in me feels like a foreigner sometimes.  I am turning into a preschool crafter instead of a fine art producer. It's ok, but I am craving the quality and value that comes from real intent suckled from the soul.  I used to just churn with ideas and now it's a low bubble.  I know I have it in me and I have to foster it to get it to boil up again.  That's why I wanted to go to Santa Fe, but now my mind is telling me Oregon is the place for my family and the creative juices will have to surface somehow there.  I heard someone say that being an artist is one of the most selfish things you can do.  I don't know who said it, but I just hate them for saying it! I hate it because I have believed it for a while and now I have come to totally disagree, because the people who have blessed my life through their art have given me more than I could ever describe.  Making real art is a selfless, soul bearing, heart breaking, vulnerable process and no one should criticize someone's attempt to show what is inside them through their art.

The cool thing is that Santa Fe offers so many art courses taught by artists there that I could go twice a year to a weekend class starting as soon as my kids are in school.  If we are in Oregon, we will be near family which means a lot more babysitters and a helk of a lot more fun.

If we lived in Santa Fe I could take painting classes from Jakki Kouffman at the Santa Fe community college for only $185 for 7 weeks.  Here is one of her pieces:

Jakki Kouffman

I am also dying to take a class from Paul Ferney in Oregon.

Paul Ferney

(I have noticed that I systematically have a thing for paintings with yellow skies for some reason.) 

Oregon could be the place where all our dreams come true, but so could Santa Fe.  Now is when we wait for the Lord to open our eyes to what he is trying to tell us.

"Behold, the scriptures are before you; if ye will wrest them it shall be to your own destruction."

I read to my children the story of Alma and Amulek from AlmaChap 13.  I told them how they warned the people to prepare for Christ's coming.  In vs. 20 it says: "Behold, the ^ascriptures are before you; if ye will ^bwrest them it shall be to your own destruction."  Then I explained that the people did not want warnings like this and so they put them in prison and left them with no food, no clothes, no water and regular beatings and mockings.  My boys loved the part when Alma calls out to God for strength to break their bonds, which they do and then the prison walls fall down and kill all of their oppressors as they walked out of the prison unscathed.  After hearing this story, Eirik said, "mom is it ok if we pray to Heavenly Father to tell him we are sorry that we have not been reading our scriptures?"  Then he said the prayer.  I few minutes later he said, "mom is it ok if we pray and promise Heavenly Father that we will not miss a day of reading the scriptures again?"  So we prayed and then we all shook hands on it.  And, that my friends is the pure heart of a child and the honest way a resolution comes to pass.

New Year's goal #1: Read our scriptures every day.

Goal #2: Improve our attitudes- I made a chart on our wall that says, "Your attitude determines your altitude" and I give them an upward arrow if they exhibit a great attitude and a downward arrow if they have a negative attitude.  I need them to give me arrows too.  I think I'll make myself a row tomorrow because I sure can be a grump with my little sweeties.  It's my resolution too.  I know I can do better.

Today we blew up balloons and made a chocolate sheet cake from my new Pioneer woman cookbook.  We hung crepe paper and popped a balloon every half hour starting at 5:00 until 9:00 when we toasted in the new year with silly string, the ball dropping on the big screen (from last year) and noise makers and sparkling cider.  Then we turned on loud dance music and got out the glow sticks.  Joren LOVES dance parties.  We ended on Lady GaGa and Joren said, "how did you know about that song mom?  I have never heard music like that!"  Both boys get crazy on the dance floor.  I can see us hosting glow stick dance parties when the kids are teenagers with just their friends.  Sounds awesome to me.  I wonder if we could ever stay that "cool".

Happy New Year!!  Welcome 2012!

Stitches #2

Teig wins so far.  Joren got 2 stitches a few months ago, but Teig got 4 in his forehead this evening.  We used durobond stitches on Christmas day after church when he sliced his forehead open on a door, but it was still gaping too much, so we held him down and got it nice and tight.  Hopefully that will prevent a big ugly scar on his cute little forehead.  Man he has had a hard week.  He has lots of molars coming in, and he's suddenly aware that he does not get all the privileges that his older brothers get and it's making him fighting mad.  He threw some intense tantrums today.  They were the kind where you almost want to run for the video camera because you just can't believe the insanity.  This morning he wanted markers like his brothers, but he kept putting them in his mouth and getting covered in marker, so I had to take them away.  Next, he wanted my phone, but he kept calling people.  He wants to be on the kitchen table no matter what we are doing at the table.  He wants to be in our laps, but as soon as he is he wants down, he wants to be picked up and then put down.  He can't stand to see anyone eat something he is not eating but once you give it to him he throws it on the ground or gives it to Tor.  He LOVES candy, like nobody's business.  His tantrums now include throwing himself backward into whatever is back there- sharp corner, thumbtacks, shovel, he doesn't care.  He has to investigate everything, ie: break it.
However, Joren is just about as bad or worse right now.  Joren can't keep his hands off of the boys.  His every other word is poop peep, or fart or his newest favorite that he thinks is a swear word, Hoover Damn.  He is very very fond of saying, "you are the stupidest mover ever!"  I heard it no less than 100 times today.  He absolutely refuses to do what I ask him to do, and pretends he does not know how to do anything.  He won't get dressed and would rather be ice cold than get his own clothes.  But the worst is how he is always always jumping on me, hitting me, throwing things at me, sitting on my feet or climbing up my legs, choking me, or running and knocking me over.  I hate it!!

Now Eirik, There is never a moment when he is not 1. watching tv, 2. scheming about how he can get more tv time, or 3. asking to watch tv 4. complaining that I'm the stupidest mom ever and how I NEVER let him watch tv, and 5. talking about tv.
I HATE IT!  I told them that since it is winter vacation they could watch 2 hours a day and play 2 hours of computer time or Wii time per day.  A deal I believed to be quite generous.  They have all kinds of new Christmas toys and the house is full of fun things to do, but it is still a fight everyday all day long.  I hate that TV so much that several times a day I want to kick it in.  If I am not if fighting mode, they will sit and watch shows from 6:30 am when Eirik wakes up and immediately goes down and turns it on, to when I tell them to go to bed.  That has never happened, but I'm sure they would never turn it off on their own.   Plus, the minute I turn it off, they are fighting with each other and me.  Oh, the contention!  I hate it!  I can put tons of energy into activities for them to do and the second they see a tiny break in my effort, they ask to go watch a show.  Nothing I do can ever compete.  I feel like it's always an uphill battle that I will not win.  Joren follows Eirik.  When Eirik is at school, Joren likes my activities and we have fun learning and playing and exercising and talking.  I have not connected with Eirik all week since Christmas because he has been so into that stupid tv.
So, I thought he went back to school Monday, but he has yet another week at home.  I am going to have to get serious and think smart to have a good week next week because this one.. not so good!  All our favorite play date friends went to Utah for the vacation.  I feel so alone out here!  I think Christmas tends to bring out some of the worst in kids.. and the best, but some of the worst too.  Greedy little gusses.  I wanted to lock them in their rooms today.

Chritmas Night Wrap Up

What did our December hold?

1. Lots and lots of crafts-

Gingerbread houses - Teig is always happy if there is candy involved, as long as he gets some!  Joren mostly ate candy instead of using it on his house.  Eirik loved decorating his trees.  I got organic with my brown and white stone cottage.  Paul's fireplace was one of the highlights.  We all had fun picking out the candy at the store and using our creativity to make cottages.  Next year we are going to make gingerbread nativity scenes.

Making Sugar Cookies

 Eirik saw a terrarium with birds and nests in it one morning in a magazine and gave Joren and I an "assignment" to make one just the same while he was at school.  This is what we came up with. 
Flubber is a great concoction made with borax and elmers glue.  It is so fun! 




 1.In our home school Joren has been making itsy bitsy letter books that we learned about from Eirik's class. 2. Joren's wreath 3. Eirik's tree from school 4. Joren wanted to make a paper flower and plant it, so here it is.  4. Joren wanted to make a black owl and a (6) black woodpecker.  I really let Joren lead all of our school activities.  I just direct him so he stays excited.  It's fun to see his creativity develop and see him have deliberate opinions about how things should be made.  One of my favorite things is when he says, "mom, can we please do a craft?"  (REALLY!!?? Awesome!)




 1. The boys painted wooden dinosaur skeletons and then we put glitter on them for some of their uncles.  2. Joren and I collected sticks outside and then glued a bunch of our assorted buttons and stuff on the "tree" we made.  We love glue guns. 3. This is Teig's stocking that I made this year.  It's all felt except the tweed trees.  I think it turned out wonderful.  4.  All month I horded empty toilet paper rolls, paper rolls and wrapping paper rolls so we could make a bunch of these cardboard and pipe cleaner snowflake ornaments.  Fun and easy. 5. I used my former roomate Cindy Ferguson's template from her paper cutting blog to paint this design on a bunch of dish cloths for some of my close friends.  6. We gathered up some small plastic animals and put glitter on them for the little tree that Dr. Manz gifted us.  They turned out so cute. 

2. Karake party for all of Grekin's employees at Peking Palace- Paul's work parties are some of the only rare times when I get to interact with people not from our church that are not children.  I have not danced for ages and this was a really fun party.  Paul started off the karaoke with the song: "Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit"  It was perfect and really got the party going.  He was such a natural on stage.  A total ham.  We worked the crowd and really had fun with it.  I was really enamored!  Such a handsome rock star.  It was fun to mingle with all of his co-workers and have an all I could eat meal.  I think Paul had a good time but I probably made him dance a little more than he wanted to.  Oh well. :)
 
3. Eirik's first kindergarten party- Erik made me a clay bread warmer, this cute snowman, and he used his money to buy me this beautiful bracelet.  He loves giving gifts so much.  His list to Santa says: "1. I would like my family to be happy. 2. I want a T-Rex tooth. 3. Tor to be happy. Love Eirik" Isn't his picture of his family sweet!?  I love this kid.


















4. Zoo Christmas lights with Patty and John

5. 12 Days of Christmas for our neighbors the Whiting's, and a few deliveries to friends and neighbors.  I made these flowers for Jenny to make a mural on her girls bedroom wall.  The boys and I had a good time trying to be sneaky and not get caught. They caught us on day 5 though.  We had a good time giving them gifts every night.  The first night we gave them 1/2 of a pumpkin pie.  I cut the half into 4 pieces and arranged them to look like an angel and drew on a head with halo with marker on the plate.  It was a fun spontaneous clever moment.  Wish I had a picture.  We took Merry Mix and homemade hot chocolate mix to neighbors. 



6. Christmas Eve at Anona and Trevor Davis's house with Erin and Jed Walker, Jenny and Randy Balmforth and all their kids.  We all brought soup and bread and hor d'ovres.  After Anona played the piano while we all sang Christmas songs.  I sometimes feel like our four families are pretty critical in how our ward works.  We are all moving away at the same time in 1 1/2 years.   It's going to be a big change for our ward.  I'm sure we will stay in touch with these families.  They are our family here in MI.  It's fun to see our kids in this picture and imagine them all older together someday.

 

7. Paul and I sang in church- "Once in Royal David's City" and the kids sang with the primary "Because I have been given much"  Eirik knew every word and was by far the loudest voice.  At the beginning of the song he was one beat ahead for a few measures and our primary chorister had to run over and get his attention because he was leading the whole group too fast!  He is dynamic!  Joren thought it was pretty cool to drum his hands on the wooden railing he was leaning on.  It echoed through the chapel so he kept doing it.  He knew some of the words and they were both so totally endearing up there. I loved it!  Unfortunately, while they were singing, Paul was in the hall with Teig and because Teig was very tired he fell and hit his head on the edge of a door and sliced his forehead open.  Right after church we had to go get durobond stitches for him.  Poor guy!! He will probably have a scar.  What a Christmas present.

8. Many presents given:  my boys painted these for Katie and Danny. 

These are for Makayla and Kaitlyn:  We hope they like them!









Brother's Gift Exchange:



9. And received:





10. Fruit Pizza and orange juice

11. Relaxing day at home with new games, movies, Thai soup and our neighbor, Debbe Lavely

Peacock pet

After our experience with Santa last night Joren has been thinking about what he would really want for Christmas.  He has been talking a lot about snow globes, but I think his mind expanded a little when he realized he could ask for other things too.  Today I was laying down next to him in bed and he said, "Mom, I fink I know what I want for Christmas.  I would wike a pet.  I fink I would want a turtle."  I asked if he could take care of a turtle and he said, "I could, I would make him toys every day, and we would have to buy turtle food."  Then he said, "mom, maybe a turtle is not what I want, maybe I want a peacock since you wike peacocks, but we would need a big cage and peacock food."  Then he said, "I wove you mom, you are ve best mom ever."  Then I told him a had to go and do my chores and he said, "don't go, I super want you to stay wif me forever."  When I told him I had to go a bit later he said, "you're the worst mom ever."  Despite that, he's still pretty much candy to my soul.

Dancing

This week Pat and John came to town.  I had not yet met John and Paul had only spoken with him briefly at the wedding, so we were interested to get to know him.  He brought us all hand crocheted hats and scarves for Paul and I.  I love them.  The first night I made us a dinner of lemon spaghetti and shrimp fra diavolo with homemade bread and afterward we all sat by the fire and talked.  John told us all about his life and his kids and his previous wife.  He is kind and easy to be around and great with the kids.  He helps a lot with them and it is quite amazing how easily he fits with Patty.  They are a natural couple.  Patty told me how before Steve died she has a dream showing her where to move to when they sold their house on Nestucca.  She did not know at the time why it was so important where they move to, but she now feels it was a tender mercy of the Lord to move her to a ward where both John and Patty would find each other after their spouses died.  Her wedding ring has engraved the words, "chapter 2, a new hope".  I am glad to see her so happy.  I am strengthened by her commitment to herself and he ability to get what will make her happy. 
Yesterday morning Patty did EMDR on me.  You tap both sides of your body in rhythm and then feel a very happy moment and alternate to a very upsetting moment until the two sort of neutralize and if they don't then you find another time in your life when you felt the feeling of that upsetting moment and think what you would say to that younger version of yourself that would help, then you say that to yourself in the more present upsetting moment.  I want to remember how to do it.  My happy moment happened just last week.  After a nice family dinner we were all hanging out in the living room with all the Christmas lights twinkling and the firelight sparkling.  Eirik turned on Seven Brides for Seven Brothers to the barn raising scene and we all started dancing.  My boys were immitating the men on the movie how they fight over dancing with the women and they were fighting over the chance to dance with me.  They were competing with each other to see who was the best dancer.  It was truely a moment of complete joy.  Little Teig even came over to dance with me.  Perfection. 
My upsetting moment was 2 minutes later when Paul let Tor in the house to ruin our perfect moment.  My more upsetting moment was in college when I was standing in my apartment looking out my window thinking of all the people I knew and feeling that I had no one to talk to about my depression.  I was considering every person I knew and felt completely helpless and alone.  Patty used the words, out of control and that's what took me to that moment. I told that college girl she needed to speak up and talk to those closest to her even if it was scary.   And then she brought me back to Paul and taught me that I need to speak up even more to Paul.  Yeah... I need to speak up more I guess. 
At lunch time we picked up Eirik and we all went to Imagination Station.  After a Mexican Dinner we went to the Lights before Christmas at the Toledo Zoo.  We bought a year zoo pass with the Christmas money Pat and John gave us.  The kids and I are going to love going to the zoo all year long!  Santa was at the zoo in a giant tudor theater decorated so beautifully.  Eirik knew exactly what to say to Santa.  "I would like a remote control bug, remote control car and a T-Rex tooth replica."  Joren said he didn't know just what to ask for.  Santa told him that that must mean that he would be happy with whatever he got.  Joren agreed but as we were leaving the stage, Joren said, "I think I forgot something."  There was no line so I said, you have plently of time to go tell Santa what you want.  He went tentatively back over and said, "Santa, I forgot something." Then he hemmed and hawed and tried his best to think of anything to ask for.  Finally he said, "I fink I would want a snowgwobe."  He said it in the tiniest sweetest voice.  It was totally endearing. 
When we left the theater there was a big area piped with loud Christmas dance music.  Paul picked up Eirik and I picked up Joren and we danced for the whole song.  Joren looked in my eyes an said, "this is the best part of my life."  He was so sweet.  It was  a magical evening.

Thanksgiving

We invited the Bud's and the Walkers for Thanksgiving this year.  We kept it small on purpose and I'm so glad we did.  They are both amazing cooks, totally reliable and the kids all like each other.  Liz brought fun crafts for all of us to do which I loved.  My heart was full of thanks this year.  We are so blessed.  I am so glad to have great friends here while we are so far away from our family.

Eirik's first Tae Kwon Do tournament

Eirik had his first Tae Kwon Do tournament this week.  He was tested against his peers on all the things he has learned thus far.  Every child brought home trophies and it was plain to see on Eirik's face that this was a proud day!  Paul has been sad that Tae Kwon Do consistently falls on days when he is working.  So, on this day, I brought along our good friend Lizzy to help me.  She was a lifesaver!

Yeah Eirik!!