John Clifford

Tonight Patty married a new grandfather for our children.  In 10 years he will be the grandpa that they know and remember.  It is surreal, horrific, unbearable, sweet, and devastating all at the same time.  Paul went to Oregon and met John for the first time today.  I could not go.  I wish I could be there to support Paul on this hard occasion.  My heart aches for Paul and for me and for all of the siblings.  My heart also aches for Patty and for the agony she has been through in the past year.  Today, Patty seems happy.  My distance grieving has not come around to healing and allowing change while Patty's daily suffering has encouraged a quicker recovery.  Even today I feel as if I am symbolically at Patty's feet learning from her.  All of her children and her sisters are angry or disappointed, and upset that she would marry again so quickly.  They say it is disrespectful of Steve.  They say he would be so angry.  Maybe they are all correct.  For some reason, I have to be the one that stands up for her and says, "go for it, take a stab at a new chapter of potential, climb up out of the agony and heal with someone else who is going through similar pain."  I believe Patty is emotionally equipped and deeply strong.  I believe she is a fighter and will make this work despite not knowing him long, despite the opposition from family that she has faced and despite the monumental task of each standing in someone else's shoes that they never wanted empty in the first place.  I wish them love, which seems a blistering wish when taken in context.  My love for Steve is heavy and very present even if reminders of him have been moved to the corners of his former home.  His picture hangs above our bed.  I see his smile before I go to sleep.  I think of his wonderful example and know he paved a beautiful path for my husband and my boys to follow.  I thank him, I miss him, I love him.  I know Patty does too and I hope we will all be able to somehow accept John and make room for him in our lives.  I don't know when, but I hope we will come to love him.