;)

"I bet you are sick of telling me to do things." Joren

Alex, Mark, Brown Swing

Joren told his teacher his name was Alex. He has written Alex on every paper since the beginning of the year. He tells his classmates to call him Alex, and this week he decided he was Mark. We called him Mark for a few days. Yesterday the principle called me and told me Mark was in the office because he had been running and hitting in the classroom. His teacher emailed me and told me he was melting into the floor like a puddle and would not get up, then at one point was bashing into her with his head, then he hid under her desk and would not come out. Today he sneaked his monkey shaped backpack into his real backpack to school.  It has a tail coming out the back that works as a leash. He wore it around at school and told everyone his name was Brown Swing. When he got home he told me I had to take him on a walk. I told him I would take him if he asked me nicely. On our brisk autumn walk he was barefoot with rolled up pants and no shirt and his monkey backpack. He walked on all fours the whole way and only responded to Brown Swing.  He changes clothes everyday the minute he gets home. Usually he puts on a ninja outfit or camo. His dad bought him new camo pants on Saturday so now he doesn't have to wear his pj's or shorts when he wants camo, so I'm afraid he will live probably in them constantly. He loves tank tops and headbands. Today he screamed at me and told me he was going to dye his hair black and there was nothing I could do about it.  He always tells me what he is going to do instead of asking if he can.  He often tells me what he needs and it's usually outrageous things like a podometer or something. He says it like I'm denying him water. I think he's angry and I don't know why. We started playing band yesterday and he got to be director. He loved it because he got to use his whistle to count us in or make us stop. He loved having people listen to him and having a little power. I think that is the real problem. He wants more choices and more power. He probably feels pretty powerless and I do tell him what to do all the time.

Tor

Tor has gone to live with another family, and it has been an enormous trial for two members of our family.  They miss him tremendously. It is like saying goodbye to a sibling or son who has died they say. It hurts, very bad. It is a gaping hole and a wound I feel I have inflicted. I see their sadness and suffering. I hurt for it too. I wonder if I will ever be truly forgiven and I have been told that I probably wont. I never insisted he go to another home, but I was never able to create an accepting environment for the him. I made it clear daily, even when I committed to be kind and accepting, that I did not want him around. I lived with him and continually felt the guilt of him knowing I was not accepting of him. He is all good, all pure kindness. He was all love and that makes it even worse that I could never be the woman I wanted to be and accept him as part of the family. I am sad for my boys. I am sad that I could not make it work out for everyone. I feel bad that I finally put myself first and asked for what I wanted.  I love my boys and hate to see them sad.  I don't miss Tor's mess or the constant struggle it was to have him. I love that he is in a home where everyone there loves him. I know he would be better off with Paul, his true love and true master. I see the loss in Paul and I hate that it was because of me. I hate that he is sad. Life is much less beautiful when they are sad.

"You can soft me if you want to." (pet) Tieg

Teigs spiritual development

Durrung prayer: "Thanks that Heavenly Father is giant and big to help protect us." Teig
"did you know that Jesus created us? And he wused superglue to glue our heads on and unuver super glue to glue our eyes on and unuver super glue to glue our teeth on and unuver superglue to glue our hair on.....(and on through all the body parts up to glueing our body on). and he made us!"

She-ra Miss Softy Pants -the Hamster

Eirik finally got his long awaited pet hamster. I wanted to wait until Christmas but to tell you the truth, I couldn't listen to his persistent begging anymore. You should have seen all their ecstatic faces!

Joren

I don't want to have kids. They will eat all of my yoghurt.

October 2013

We remodeled Paul's office this weekend. After a year of planning for this, it is finally here!!
Installation about did me in!  I have been really stressed! I have needed help really bad the past two weeks. I have had everyone and their dog help tend my kids. I hired nanny's off the internet and the second counselor in my bishopric even watched them one night. Embarrassing and crazy! I am so excited to finally have it done. It looks really good. Before and after shots are upcoming!
We have one more weekend of hard work on it.

My parents bought a house in Lake Oswego to fix and sell. It was a huge mess and we gutted it down to studs in a lot of places. They hired me to design it and they have let me choose just about every single thing in the whole house. Amazing! It has been a tremendous amount of work to try to do this in a very short time frame on top of the office remodel, relief society and, did I mention I have 4 children and a nursing baby. Am I crazy?! Two of my brothers came from Utah to work here on it. They are living in the house while they work.  It has been really fun to work with my family and to get to see my brothers more.   I am really excited to see this house take shape and see how all of my ideas turn out. I can't believe I get to be the one to choose everything! We agreed on a nice hourly wage, but I told them I don't even care if they pay me. I'm just so excited to see how it all turns out.

I have big, happy and very sad news. Paul gave Tor to a nurse that he works with. It has been 1 1/2 weeks. Eirik cries about every other day. Paul has been really depressed. He is in mourning. It has been very hard for them and since they are in so much pain I feel terrible.  But, secretly, between you and me, I am doing cartwheels every day!

Juni is crawling and will cut her first tooth this week. She is getting more and more gorgeous every day. Her brothers adore her.

It's been great to see my family more, but I need to start to learn to say no. I am really loosing my hair. I mean handfulls of it. I have been too stressed and not sleeping. Juni has kept me up a lot lately and I am just running nonstop during the days. I can't keep up. I have to slow it down. Eirik told me that he feels like I care more about Dad's office and Grandpas house than him. It's not fair to my kids. It's hard for me. I'm too selfish. I want to work, and I just can't do anymore. I have to stop. I'm sad, but I just can't do it. No more projects once these are done! (you should see the wreck of my house!) I spent hours today picking up the house after last weeks whirlwind of babysitters and late nights working. 

The office is making money and I think Paul is happy at work. He had to let a couple of people go, but he has hired a few new people that are working out great. He has been sad at the anniversary of his dad's death Oct. 4th and loosing Tor. It's been a rough month for him, and seminary every morning is a challenge, but we are pushing through. He is such a good man.

Eirik is in Tae Kwon Do and moved up his first belt rank last weekend. Uncle Michael was in town to come watch. Eirik was really proud. It was a fun celebration and Eirik loves breaking his boards and getting trophies!

Joren has the most amazing kindergarten teacher. I mean, I am so impressed I absolutly can't say how fantastic she is. She brought me to tears at parent teacher conference talking about how much she loves our Joren and how she can see him down the road winning awards for his movies or books or whatever he does. She recognizes how creative he is and how deep he goes in his thinking and imagination. She made me fall in love with my Joren all over again. Her compassion and enthusiasm for teaching and children put me to shame and opened my eyes and made me excited to be better. What a great woman!

Teig is sugar. He is gorgeous! His little bottom lip is so sweet. He says the most astute and comprehensive things. His ability to express, explain and rationalize is way beyond a typical 3 year old. He really understands things. He is highly intelligent. He is rough and tumble, unafraid of anything, keeps up with his brothers even when they do things 3 year olds should never do. He misses them when they go off to school and cries hard if he does not get to say goodbye to them before they leave. He works hard playing by himself when they are gone and can entertain himself for hours. He loves his dinosaurs. He loves cars. He loves learning shows on TV. He is not demanding. He is kind and compassionate. I am continuously impressed by him.  I am so lucky to be his mom.

Paralyzed

I feel absolutely paralyzed today. I have so much on my plate right now that I feel like I'm spinning in circles with constant distractions and never getting anything done. My anxiety is so high and while I feel a complete mess inside all I can do is whirl around trying to put out the most urgent fires all around me. I get something done just to have it immediately undone again.

I did something really dumb. My dad bought a house in Lake Oswego. Its a fixer upper that needed to be gutted and redone. My dad, I think forgot that I do interior design, and remembered at the very last minute as he flew into town and asked me to go with him that day to check out the house. When I got there I found out that I was hired to do all the design work for the entire house and I needed to start immediately because my brother and another guy were coming from Utah to start work in one day. Say what?! Are you kidding. How could i possibly say no? (It's like my own design star challenge but bigger!) Wait.. You want me to redraw a floor plan, design the whole kitchen, bathrooms, choose all the fixtures, lights, finishes, interior and exterior in a few days and take care of 4 kids and finish remodeling our office space. Which, by the way, I just told our general contracted that his price was too high and I would be the general contracted myself! So for that project I am trying to hire all the subcontractors by Friday and get approval on all the work from our landlord so we are eligible for the tenant improvement money. And i have to purchase all the flooring, which i just learned has been discontinued, and I have to stay under budget for both projects. Did I mention I have 4 kids and a baby that woke up 3 times last night and two kids that still have accidents and 3 boys that make constant messes and visiting teaching appointments that I have had to reschedule 4 times because people keep forgetting or changing their minds and a calling I am so far bombing because I have been unavailable. Did I mention that I have white carpet through my whole house and a dog that sheds everywhere and a house so big that we have no furniture for it and no matter what I do I can't make it feel like my home ( or clean!) I don't feel like I live here yet so amidst all of this I found myself talking to a realtor about a fixer upper house I just passed on the street on the way to visit teach the girl that stood me up. Is my scattered inside reflecting in this crazy article. I know Paul is not happy that I took the job with my dad. I know I should have said no. The guy here that is working with my dad is really happy with the drawings I have done and in his excitement he said. "this is just the first of many Melody."While that thrills me to pieces because this is absolutely a dream job for me, it also terrifies me because how can I really do it without sending my sweeties to daycare? And how can I do daycare while I am still nursing? And if I turn down the next house then the team will get used to working with a different designer and I will miss my chance to design homes from the studs out. How amazing is that!! I am just driven over by constant guilt and an inability to do what I want because I always try to do what I should. I am angry that I want to design so badly. If I am at home in my house that does not feel like mine my design brain can never rest! Never. I am always, even in my sleep trying to fix what is "broken". If I am working, I am too busy to be obsessed over what I can't fix in a rental. I have said it a million times and never found a solution. I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could sit peacefully and Exist without yearning to be fixing and create things. I try to keep it hidden from people so they dont know how nuts I am, but Paul knows. He does not know what to do with me. And I know that I am obsessed and my kids suffer. Where is the switch that lets me turn on to be a happy, laid back, funny, dog loving, soccer mom that just likes to have fun. Wouldn't that be so much easier? That would sure make all my family happier. Why do I have to be all deadlines and healthy and organized and artistic? Why do I have to be all rules and morals and bedtimes and green drinks? Boring! My kids dont enjoy me. There is nothing stopping me from being cool except me. I am just me and I don't fit in my life. I don't fit in my life.

Mom fail

This is what dinner looked like at my house tonight.
I made lime quinois, lemon chicken with onions, fresh tomatoes and corn. It was delicious and I enjoyed it by myself because as soon as Eirik saw it he said"why are you even bothering?" and the other two fled and would not come back. I'm sure at 10:00 they will be raiding the fridge for yoghurt and granola bars or bread with jam. I should just serve that every night but I just can't eat kid food every night. I just can't. Am I just totally selfish?

Hamster Mayham

We still have lots of sun and good weather here.
School started and the kids really like their classes. I have enjoyed having a little more time!
I have used the time to get bills paid, summer paperwork and tasks finished and things ordered for the new office.  Teig has had to play by himself a lot, but he's been pretty good about it.  Joren has an exceptional teacher who emails me personal notes about him often. I am very impressed.
Paul teaches his first day of seminary tomorrow. We had a bbq at our friend's, the Russells, house yesterday for all of the seminary age kids. It was a group of over 45 kids. Paul dressed up like Nephi to give his little pep talk to get them excited to come to seminary. He was great. The Russells sent us home with a tiny tiny tree frog that they found in their yard so we went to "Critter Cabana" last night and bought a cage and some wingless fruit flies to keep him. Joren named him Leaf. Everyone is happy about him except for Eirik. Two weeks ago the Russells took Eirik to critter cabana and he saw a dwarf russian hamster I have not heard the end of how desperately he needs a hamster.  I wish I could say that I am a nice enough mom that I could have three pets including a dog that I can't stand, and a tiny biting, stinky rodent, but I am not.  I have told him no and you would think it is the end of the world. You know how Eirik won't ever drop anything. He has tried every tactic from sugar sweet, to buying his own, to promises and perfect behavior (for a few minutes) to threats and crying and whining. to be honest, the whining is winning out and I've about had it.I always like to give my children what they want. I am a huge pleaser and hate to see them unhappy, but I just can't see me taking care of a hamster now when I absolutely can't keep up with the responsibilities I already have. I have a huge shedding dog and a house full of white carpet. I am set up to fail no matter what I do in this house. The kids are super unhelpful and hateful. I can't win. Joren is screaming at me right now and telling me that he hates me and that I am so stupid because I told him I am not going to buy him a new lamp.  He just said, "you're buying me that, or I am killing you because I know where dad's dagger is. Mom, you're the worst mom in the universe. You're so stupid. I hate you and I will kill you if you don't buy me that lamp. I'm serious about this, if you don't buy me that lamp. It's only $10. Mom, you have to buy me that, or I will kill you." 
I just love my Joren.

Paul is singing in church today. He is singing a quartet with a guy who is a professional opera singer, a guy who travels around the country winning karaoke contests and another guy who has been in professional choirs his whole life. One if them is our home teacher and Paul mentioned how he wanted to sing "Brightly beams our father's mercy" with a quartet and the next thing you know they made it happen. I can't wait to hear it. Paul says they sound like a barber shop quartet.

"You have your hands full!"

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I have my hands full, this summer, I would be taking myself to a fancy restaurant tonight.
A good example happened this morning when I had to carry Juni back from the bustop with two giant umbrellas my boys had insisted on taking and then don't know how to close. Juni was slipping out of my arms, we were getting soaked and just then Teig ran out of the house and across the street naked.  Nice mom moment. 
Usually when someone says I have my hands full I can smile and say, "aren't they great."  Sometimes I can laugh about the situation.  Sometimes I want to round house that judging, insensitive observer and sometimes I just want to disappear. Any way around it, I wish they wouldn't say that.

Meteoric Rise

Neil Swanson is a very accomplished Dermatologist and Mohs surgeon.  He is the former chair of the dermatology dept at OHSU and he has written many dermatology books that Paul uses. Paul was excited to get to go to a drug rep dinner last week and meet Dr. Swanson there. It turned out that it was only the drug rep, who is our neighbor, and Dr. Swanson. They really hit it off and Paul had a great time.  After the dinner the drug rep told Paul that Dr. Swanson had been impressed with Paul and that he had said we he was excited to watch Paul's "meteoric rise". 
Purchasing this practice has been an interesting emotional roller coaster for Paul. It is a huge challenge and exhilarating. His predictions are all working out to be right on, and the business is making money. Paul is not content though. As soon as one thing is working, his mind is already working on the next. He wants to open more locations, hire more docs and more PAs and continue to grow. He gets bored way too easy. He has to have a challenge to be content. 

Letting go..

"Thanks for not telling me what to eat. It tastes much better without you yelling at me."

Teig's thoughts on moving:

As I put Teig to bed in our guest room last night, I interviewed Teig to see how he is doing with the move. He said. "I wiv in Oregon now. We moved from MI. Our old house is broken , but we didn't cry.
Josh is in Michigan. He is way far away, buy he can drive way miles an hour to our Oregon house to be our friend again. This is Josh Seager's bed."
Apparently Josh made a big impression on Teig. He also misses Sammy and Tyler and Nickolas and Alexander. I miss them
too.