Tor

Tor has gone to live with another family, and it has been an enormous trial for two members of our family.  They miss him tremendously. It is like saying goodbye to a sibling or son who has died they say. It hurts, very bad. It is a gaping hole and a wound I feel I have inflicted. I see their sadness and suffering. I hurt for it too. I wonder if I will ever be truly forgiven and I have been told that I probably wont. I never insisted he go to another home, but I was never able to create an accepting environment for the him. I made it clear daily, even when I committed to be kind and accepting, that I did not want him around. I lived with him and continually felt the guilt of him knowing I was not accepting of him. He is all good, all pure kindness. He was all love and that makes it even worse that I could never be the woman I wanted to be and accept him as part of the family. I am sad for my boys. I am sad that I could not make it work out for everyone. I feel bad that I finally put myself first and asked for what I wanted.  I love my boys and hate to see them sad.  I don't miss Tor's mess or the constant struggle it was to have him. I love that he is in a home where everyone there loves him. I know he would be better off with Paul, his true love and true master. I see the loss in Paul and I hate that it was because of me. I hate that he is sad. Life is much less beautiful when they are sad.