Paralyzed

I feel absolutely paralyzed today. I have so much on my plate right now that I feel like I'm spinning in circles with constant distractions and never getting anything done. My anxiety is so high and while I feel a complete mess inside all I can do is whirl around trying to put out the most urgent fires all around me. I get something done just to have it immediately undone again.

I did something really dumb. My dad bought a house in Lake Oswego. Its a fixer upper that needed to be gutted and redone. My dad, I think forgot that I do interior design, and remembered at the very last minute as he flew into town and asked me to go with him that day to check out the house. When I got there I found out that I was hired to do all the design work for the entire house and I needed to start immediately because my brother and another guy were coming from Utah to start work in one day. Say what?! Are you kidding. How could i possibly say no? (It's like my own design star challenge but bigger!) Wait.. You want me to redraw a floor plan, design the whole kitchen, bathrooms, choose all the fixtures, lights, finishes, interior and exterior in a few days and take care of 4 kids and finish remodeling our office space. Which, by the way, I just told our general contracted that his price was too high and I would be the general contracted myself! So for that project I am trying to hire all the subcontractors by Friday and get approval on all the work from our landlord so we are eligible for the tenant improvement money. And i have to purchase all the flooring, which i just learned has been discontinued, and I have to stay under budget for both projects. Did I mention I have 4 kids and a baby that woke up 3 times last night and two kids that still have accidents and 3 boys that make constant messes and visiting teaching appointments that I have had to reschedule 4 times because people keep forgetting or changing their minds and a calling I am so far bombing because I have been unavailable. Did I mention that I have white carpet through my whole house and a dog that sheds everywhere and a house so big that we have no furniture for it and no matter what I do I can't make it feel like my home ( or clean!) I don't feel like I live here yet so amidst all of this I found myself talking to a realtor about a fixer upper house I just passed on the street on the way to visit teach the girl that stood me up. Is my scattered inside reflecting in this crazy article. I know Paul is not happy that I took the job with my dad. I know I should have said no. The guy here that is working with my dad is really happy with the drawings I have done and in his excitement he said. "this is just the first of many Melody."While that thrills me to pieces because this is absolutely a dream job for me, it also terrifies me because how can I really do it without sending my sweeties to daycare? And how can I do daycare while I am still nursing? And if I turn down the next house then the team will get used to working with a different designer and I will miss my chance to design homes from the studs out. How amazing is that!! I am just driven over by constant guilt and an inability to do what I want because I always try to do what I should. I am angry that I want to design so badly. If I am at home in my house that does not feel like mine my design brain can never rest! Never. I am always, even in my sleep trying to fix what is "broken". If I am working, I am too busy to be obsessed over what I can't fix in a rental. I have said it a million times and never found a solution. I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could sit peacefully and Exist without yearning to be fixing and create things. I try to keep it hidden from people so they dont know how nuts I am, but Paul knows. He does not know what to do with me. And I know that I am obsessed and my kids suffer. Where is the switch that lets me turn on to be a happy, laid back, funny, dog loving, soccer mom that just likes to have fun. Wouldn't that be so much easier? That would sure make all my family happier. Why do I have to be all deadlines and healthy and organized and artistic? Why do I have to be all rules and morals and bedtimes and green drinks? Boring! My kids dont enjoy me. There is nothing stopping me from being cool except me. I am just me and I don't fit in my life. I don't fit in my life.

Mom fail

This is what dinner looked like at my house tonight.
I made lime quinois, lemon chicken with onions, fresh tomatoes and corn. It was delicious and I enjoyed it by myself because as soon as Eirik saw it he said"why are you even bothering?" and the other two fled and would not come back. I'm sure at 10:00 they will be raiding the fridge for yoghurt and granola bars or bread with jam. I should just serve that every night but I just can't eat kid food every night. I just can't. Am I just totally selfish?

Hamster Mayham

We still have lots of sun and good weather here.
School started and the kids really like their classes. I have enjoyed having a little more time!
I have used the time to get bills paid, summer paperwork and tasks finished and things ordered for the new office.  Teig has had to play by himself a lot, but he's been pretty good about it.  Joren has an exceptional teacher who emails me personal notes about him often. I am very impressed.
Paul teaches his first day of seminary tomorrow. We had a bbq at our friend's, the Russells, house yesterday for all of the seminary age kids. It was a group of over 45 kids. Paul dressed up like Nephi to give his little pep talk to get them excited to come to seminary. He was great. The Russells sent us home with a tiny tiny tree frog that they found in their yard so we went to "Critter Cabana" last night and bought a cage and some wingless fruit flies to keep him. Joren named him Leaf. Everyone is happy about him except for Eirik. Two weeks ago the Russells took Eirik to critter cabana and he saw a dwarf russian hamster I have not heard the end of how desperately he needs a hamster.  I wish I could say that I am a nice enough mom that I could have three pets including a dog that I can't stand, and a tiny biting, stinky rodent, but I am not.  I have told him no and you would think it is the end of the world. You know how Eirik won't ever drop anything. He has tried every tactic from sugar sweet, to buying his own, to promises and perfect behavior (for a few minutes) to threats and crying and whining. to be honest, the whining is winning out and I've about had it.I always like to give my children what they want. I am a huge pleaser and hate to see them unhappy, but I just can't see me taking care of a hamster now when I absolutely can't keep up with the responsibilities I already have. I have a huge shedding dog and a house full of white carpet. I am set up to fail no matter what I do in this house. The kids are super unhelpful and hateful. I can't win. Joren is screaming at me right now and telling me that he hates me and that I am so stupid because I told him I am not going to buy him a new lamp.  He just said, "you're buying me that, or I am killing you because I know where dad's dagger is. Mom, you're the worst mom in the universe. You're so stupid. I hate you and I will kill you if you don't buy me that lamp. I'm serious about this, if you don't buy me that lamp. It's only $10. Mom, you have to buy me that, or I will kill you." 
I just love my Joren.

Paul is singing in church today. He is singing a quartet with a guy who is a professional opera singer, a guy who travels around the country winning karaoke contests and another guy who has been in professional choirs his whole life. One if them is our home teacher and Paul mentioned how he wanted to sing "Brightly beams our father's mercy" with a quartet and the next thing you know they made it happen. I can't wait to hear it. Paul says they sound like a barber shop quartet.

"You have your hands full!"

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I have my hands full, this summer, I would be taking myself to a fancy restaurant tonight.
A good example happened this morning when I had to carry Juni back from the bustop with two giant umbrellas my boys had insisted on taking and then don't know how to close. Juni was slipping out of my arms, we were getting soaked and just then Teig ran out of the house and across the street naked.  Nice mom moment. 
Usually when someone says I have my hands full I can smile and say, "aren't they great."  Sometimes I can laugh about the situation.  Sometimes I want to round house that judging, insensitive observer and sometimes I just want to disappear. Any way around it, I wish they wouldn't say that.

Meteoric Rise

Neil Swanson is a very accomplished Dermatologist and Mohs surgeon.  He is the former chair of the dermatology dept at OHSU and he has written many dermatology books that Paul uses. Paul was excited to get to go to a drug rep dinner last week and meet Dr. Swanson there. It turned out that it was only the drug rep, who is our neighbor, and Dr. Swanson. They really hit it off and Paul had a great time.  After the dinner the drug rep told Paul that Dr. Swanson had been impressed with Paul and that he had said we he was excited to watch Paul's "meteoric rise". 
Purchasing this practice has been an interesting emotional roller coaster for Paul. It is a huge challenge and exhilarating. His predictions are all working out to be right on, and the business is making money. Paul is not content though. As soon as one thing is working, his mind is already working on the next. He wants to open more locations, hire more docs and more PAs and continue to grow. He gets bored way too easy. He has to have a challenge to be content. 

Letting go..

"Thanks for not telling me what to eat. It tastes much better without you yelling at me."

Teig's thoughts on moving:

As I put Teig to bed in our guest room last night, I interviewed Teig to see how he is doing with the move. He said. "I wiv in Oregon now. We moved from MI. Our old house is broken , but we didn't cry.
Josh is in Michigan. He is way far away, buy he can drive way miles an hour to our Oregon house to be our friend again. This is Josh Seager's bed."
Apparently Josh made a big impression on Teig. He also misses Sammy and Tyler and Nickolas and Alexander. I miss them
too.

Alex

Joren has changed his name to Alex.he told his Kindergarten teacher that his real name is Alex. She emailed me to ask if it was ok to have his classmates call him Alex.  I told her he would probably change his name 16 more times this year so she better stick to Joren. She got a kick out of his creativity.  I'm so glad he has a great teacher. She could have just told all the kids his name was Alex and now I would be stuck with an Alex!  (not that Alex is a bad name of course.)

Funny friday

"If I had known Joren was so easily hypnotized, I would have eaten more of his ice cream." Eirik

Angels attending

Right before our last flight out of MI, I asked a few of my fiends in passing to say a prayer for me and our three young children in our travels. I used to stress out flying with one baby and I knew flying with three was not going to be a breeze. We spent the last night in MI at the Berwalds house as our house was empty. They were really nice and let us use their guest suite. Kevin dropped us off at the airport and we promised to keep in touch and invited them to the beach house any time they want. When I got to the counter they had trouble checking me in. After a few minutes we realized that my flight had left an hour earlier. "How could it be?" I thought! With something this important, don't you take extra precautions to make sure everything is perfect? Don't you check and recheck flight times?? Well somehow I must have entered my flight time wrong in my phone. How this happened I have no idea but I was astounded to learn that I would be able to try to fly standby on two flights that, if I could board, I would be able to get home just a few hours later. The chances weren't good. They were both full flights and I had 4 people. For one moment I was upset. I said "Heavenly Father, after so many prayers, why couldn't you have just prompted me to look one more time at my tickets??" then I knew that it was not His fault, it was mine and there was only myself to blame and I said a prayer that he would help me get through the day. My typical panic gave way to reassurance and I knew that no matter what happened, that at some point I would get there and that the timing was not really all that important. I consider it a miracle that we were able to board both flights and arrive in Utah before dark. It was a long day and the children were very good but very tired. As we disembarked I saw a woman turn around and walk back down the gangplank to ask me if she could assist me out to baggage claim. I gladly accepted her kind offer. On our walk I learned that her husband was a stake president and he had taught seminary for years. She had been a stake relief society president. They were the Pendletons. They were so nice and helpful and waited with me until we had our baggage and a place to sit and wait for my parents to arrive. When I turned on my phone I had a text message from Jen Cranney. She said, I prayed that angels would attend you today. I am sure Heavely Father inspired Sister Pendleton to be my angel and I am sure she was not my only assistance. God is always with us. Of this I am sure.

Law family reunion

Although my awesome parents came out to help us move in mid July, they were willing to make the trip out again just one month later for a family reunion. Yes, they must really like us. Katie and Danny drive all the way from Tempe AZ, and Tera and Dave and Andrew drove in another car and Michael and Daniel took the long scenic route through California and met up with us a few days in. Adam and Amy’s family decided to wait until they were recovered from last years trip to California with 4 kids and the flu. Sometimes it takes a few years to forget experiences like that and I don't blame them a bit for not coming, although I hope they will be up for the next reunion here in Oregon. Parents and Katie and Danny got here early in the week and we tried to show them a good time at our new pad and in our new town. We took them on a hike and to Bridgeport for dinner and to Mary S. Young park and my mom and I had a blast as the Street of Dreams! Everyone got to see Pauls new office and the girls all got to go thrift shopping where we all found some great treasures, and then swimming with the kids.
Wednesday we made the gorgeous drive to the beach. I loved driving with my mom and reading together. Eirik and Joren loved riding in grandpas truck listening to Phineus and Ferb songs until Grandpa had had enough of Phineus and Ferb! :)
Of course we stopped at the cheese factory for ice cream and there we got to meet up with the brothers. Oh how I love my brothers! They are all so special and great. Seeing them makes me feel like I make so much more sense. I can tell a lot of time has passed where we have not been a part of each others lives enough because we dont know each other as well anymore, but I look forward to changing that now that we are closer!
After the cheese factory we went to the blue heron to see animals and we all enjoyed the samples in the gift shop. Mom couldn't pass up the jalapeño jelly which is always her favorite, and she also splurged on some Oregon marionberry syrup for our pancake breakfast the next morning. We loved getting right up close to the long haired, long horned yacks or steers, whatever they are, they are majestic and poweful and extraordinary; definitely one of my favorite animals.
Michael made us all laugh doing funny dances. It was just like when we were kids. From there we went to the beach house and everyone was excited to get down to the water. Dad took some golf clubs down to hit some balls. We made lots of designs in the sand and Katie and I enjoyed dancing barefoot making designs. The boys splashed in the water send we all had a wonderful time.
The next day we went to the surf beach and spent hours exploring. The hike up and back was gorgeous. I loved sharing this tradition with my family. In Cannon beach we ate fish and chips and then Katie, Davy, Tera, Juni and I went to galleries for a few hours. I felt pretty spoiled to get to go with no kids for the second time this year! Oh how I love Michael Orwicks paintings in the Dragonfire Gallery! I could sit there looking at them for hours. Instead we went home and ate Danny’s Shephard’s pie (one pan vegan, and one with Tri tip steak). He worked all afternoon on it and it was delicious! And then I did a painting of my own! Having Katie there sewing and my mom there for moral support gave me the courage I needed to paint again. It was very fulfilling and so fun! I woke up so refreshed after painting until 2 AM and then nursing Juni two times before 8. It sounds sarcastic but painting was energizing and it was really helpful to have my mom there. I wish we could paint together all the time.
In the morning my family all surprised me tremendously when almost everyone of them wanted to join me for a morning yoga session! I could not believe it. I had a fabulous time leading yoga for all my siblings and parents. It's been too long since I practiced and it felt great.
We took the crab pots to Garibaldi tot he docks and threw them in. Dad volunteered to stay while we explored the town a bit. We went to some antique stores and thrift shops and took the kids to a Maritime museum to dress up in colonial clothes and see tons of antique guns and ship parts. They liked that. We caught three crabs but they were all too small so Paul drive up in his big truck and threw the kids in the back and went to buy 12 crabs which we took home and steamed up for a great big crab meal. Tara made vegan pepperoni pizza with the pepperoni made from beets! It was delicious! That night we had a campfire. Katie and I figured out that we can sing and sound like the exact same voice. It was astonishing to me how identical we sound! We all shared vacation memories for hours. Someone should have been writing them down. We laughed and laughed. I missed Amy a lot then.

In the morning we packed up and went to Saturdays Market and experienced how Portland is "keeping it wierd" and then waited in a tremendously long line at Salt and Straw for Marrionberry with balsamic vinegar and black pepper ice cream. Tara got ice cream with habanero peppers and Paul ordered olive oil ice cream. They give lots of samples. Different and delicious.

I did two paintings and three yoga sessions and stayed up late hanging out. Everyone helped a lot with the kids and I only had to cook a few meals but I got to eat a lot if great food. It was a wonderful time! I hated to say goodbye to my family and I am so glad they are now in driving distance!
Thank you all for driving here!! Love you!

Sweet June

Juniper is an absolute dream. We all adore her. She has the chubbiest legs, I mean big squishy goodness. She started eating baby food last week. She loves it. I love her determination to grab the spoon and feed herself. She is scooting all over and loving toys and her jumper. Her big pure happiness smiles would melt any heart. It is so fun to dress her in all her darling clothes and I wish I had lots more pictures if all her cute outfits. You can see her wrapped in the new quilt her aunt Katie made for her. Besides her parents, her cousin Jake is her most doting admirer. Jake loves to hold her, carry her around help change and dress her and make her smile. Juni has lots of older brothers and cousins to protect and look out for her. Her hair is growing in and her eyelashes are getting longer and she just gets prettier every day. We love out Juni!

Rockets at the park

Vinegar and baking soda and coke and mentos experiments at the park with our new friends, Christy, Jeffrey, And Katie, and family; Jeanette and Jake.

The best mail prank

This week Joren discovered he could fit himself in the mailbox, contortionist that he is. We all schemed and planned how we could use this exciting knowledge to our benefit. When Paul got home from work today, Eirik subtly asked Paul if he wanted to go get the mail with him. I whispered to Joren to run and get in. As soon as Paul turned the key, Joren poked his head out!pauls reaction was priceless!

Lava flow cave in Bend