New Room Reveal for Emma

My poor 15 year old nice Emma was diagnosed with Leukemia 1 month ago. She has been getting chemotherapy at the childrens hospital and today she gets to come home. She wont be home long but her family wanted her to have a great time while she is at home. They asked me to redecorate her room for her arrival. We all expected her next Friday but 2 days ago they let me know that it would be a week early so I have been on GO mode getting it ready for her. I'm really excited for her to see it!
I hope she likes it.

Promises and primary program

"Break your heart and  cross to die??"
Teig

Today was the primary program. I'm the music leader. I hoped for another awesome story like the time that Teig held up his teachers giant quad scriptures over his head during "scripture power" and fell over backward with the weight of it." but nothing like that happened. There were no funny snags. The kids were well behaved and we all got lots of compliments. Teig started off the whole program by climbing up on the stool and craning his neck to reach the microphone and saying in his adorable tiny voice, "Our primary theme this year is Families are forever." Joren's part was, "Families are necessary part of God's plan. I love my family because I like to snuggle with them." Eirik's part was, "I know that families are part of Gods plan. I can show my love to my family. I show my love to my mom by making her breakfast in bed. I show my love to my dad by helping with the kids. I show my love to Joren by helping with his games. I show love to Teig by letting him count my money over and over. He loves it. I show love to Juni by playing dolls with her."
I arranged a violin duet to play over the singing in the last song. At our only practice it sounded pretty awful, but today it was perfectly lovely. I don't know what happened, but it was just right.
I don't feel like being the singing leader fits me very well. I have to force myself to prepare every week and I trudge through it, but I love the kids so much and enjoy my time with them when I get there. I admire teachers immensely. It is not easy for me. I'm glad today is over and I'm glad that we got to have singing time sitting on blankets and having fun. I stapled song titles to autumn leaves that I threw over the kids. They had to catch them and we sang all fun and easy songs and ate snacks. 

Tooth hurty

Today during primary the sharing time leader called Eirik up because he said he had a story to tell about a time when he was honest. He said, "this is a fish story. One time I had a toothache at school so I had to go to the orthodontist at 2:30. Get it, "tooth hurty." 

It was balsy and inappropriate, but j have to admit it was pretty hilarious.  

Definitions

Teig told me, "Joren is nocturnal. He is awake at night. I'm nonturnal. That means I don't sleep except for naps sometimes."

"This food looks discussing.  What is it?" It's vegetarian and delicious. Eat it." "I can't,  I'm desertarian." said Eirik.

11 years on the 11th

Our best anniversary yet. 10 years was fun but I'll admit, a bit strained. This year was pure joy. We've had so much adjusting to do in the last year and a half with all things new. We both grew in a lot of ways and we grew together too. Having someone say, "I accept you just like you are, no matter what" has to be the best thing in the whole world, right?

Paul picked a restaurant on Division street called Ave Genes for our dinner out. Patty and John took the kids overnight. Did you know you could eat pickled fiddlehead ferns??? I'm not kidding! And they were delicious. I was amazed by all the food. I mean, I was shocked by the flavors and varieties. We had a melon salad with toasted pine nuts and jalapeños! It was crazy good. We had polenta and homemade pastas with homemade sausage. I can't say enough how delicious it was. The restrooms were a whole amazing experience as well. All the fixtures and plumbing were imported antique marble and brass pieces from Italy. The whole menu was in Italian so we basically went to Italy for our anniversary but it got even better from there. We sauntered outside on a warm Portland summer night, walked past the wall painted with sunflowers and what do we hear?, live Parisian cafe music. We had to stop and have a visit to the country of love and indulge in a key lime tart o let and creme and fraise while we listened to the musicians. 

After we walked around more and found 15 other restaurants we can't wait to try, I told Paul he couldn't top this date; Paris and Italy in one night, but then he offered to take me to Home Depot and, well he "had me at Home".  

That would have been a good date if it had to stop there but then Paul announced that for his gift he was going to take the kids to the beach for the weekend and let me stay home alone, by myself, solitary, just me for 2 whole days. I honestly can't remember the last time I was alone for longer than a quick car drive. I have a pretty amazing man. Thank you for such a great year. It is truly getting better with time, this lovely life we have made. 

Logic

"Teig, I asked,  "Where do you think you lived before this earth?"  "I lived in an alien space ship and floated in space in a rover."  "How did you get to earth?" I asked.  "He brought me here. He was a peach black alien with black eyes and he dropped me off. I was walking around and I found a nice house and went inside. Eirik was there and he said, "you look nice." I was a baby. Then Joren said, "you should stay here.""

Then I started singing, "I lived in Heaven  long time ago, this is true..." the primary song. Teig interupted me and said, "Ya, but I lived in an alien space ship."

I said, "Thanks for hanging out with me Teig. You're my favorite." "I'm your favorite too." he replied.

Back to school!

Our boys have been back in school for one week and today Eirik came home in tears saying, "now I remember why I hate school so much! I just hate having people tell me what to do all the time. I want to be in charge of myself."

Then I was talking to Joren in his room. I asked if he wanted me to hang something he brought home from school on his wall and he said,"no, I'm not really the school type mom." I asked him what he meant by that. He said "I'm just not good at it." I asked what he was not good at and after some persuasion he finally said, "I'm just not good at listening. I want to do my own thing and just be me." 

It's going to take some getting used to. I don't know if I've fostered their indipendant free thinking tendencies or if they have just come that way, but they both fight me on just about everything. I don't envy their teachers. We wrote a 4 page letter to Jorens teacher telling him some of his successes and challenges from his previous school teachers hoping it would give her some insight on how to best approach his learning. 

Dizzy

"Did you know that when you get dizzy it is really just the moon and space shaking." Teig

Cactus ambush

Joren woke me up at 5:00AM this morning yelling to me from his room. I groggily made my way to his yelling to discover that his cactus had fallen on him and he was covered in tiny cactus prickles too small to see. He found this tiny cactus and brought it home and put it in water and to our great surprise it sprouted a new arm and grew like crazy! It grew so high it finally fell out of its dish onto Joren.  The prickles were very painful and looked exactly like his tiniest hairs. I had to use tweezers and go over his arms pulling out every possible hair. What a way to wake up for both of us! Poor kid!

The dirty life of motherhood.

I've been helping my parents with another remodel in Utah. I just got off the phone with  them. We met for 1 hour for a brainstorming session.  I paid the price for my time. Juni took off a poopy diaper in her crip and the boys put away a full load of dirty dishes into the cupboards. Hey, they were trying to do their chores though! Good boys.  

Aanderud Hidaway

Paul, the best Dad ever, found us a camping spot that is beyond awesome. It was the dream campsite that you think could only exist in a fairytale.
#1 Not far from our house
#2 completely secluded
#3 right by a fly fishing river
#4 no reservations, no fees
#5 great firepit
#6 huge soft mossy area for our tent
#7 trails all around
#8 Gorgeous!
Just to let you know, if you ask where it is, we probably won't tell. It's that good. (sorry) The people who made it probably aren't happy that we found it and that now we call it the Hideaway and plan to go every summer. To get to the site you have to drive way back in, then hike for 1/2 mile (the only downside, especially when you have to carry a baby, a play yard, a camp stove, all the bedding, fishing gear etc...) It's downhill on the way in, and UPHILL on the way out. We learned that it is a workout carrying all that gear up a steep mountainside. I figured I owed it to my boys to take them camping before summer is over and to be honest, I have been dreading it. Camping with a baby is not what I imagine to be a good time, but Juni was surprisingly delightful. She stayed far away from the fire, she didn't try once to drown in the river and she went right to sleep in her play yard when we all got in our sleeping bags. I had very very low expectations for the whole ordeal. In fact, I expected it all to be painful, so when it turned out to be fun, I was delighted. We got there about an hour before dark and sort of raced to get camp set up and the fire going and hotdogs cooked. We made s'mores as the light faded and Juni walked around with a bag full of marshmallows and sticky pine needle and dirt covered hands and face. That girl will, and does eat anything! We all climbed in bed and told a story in the round about a royal family that lived in a castle and a giant Saber Tooth cat attached. The four children all used their special powers, Eirik and his flaming arrows and fighting skills, Joren, the magician, with a whip and poison darts, Teig with his agility, speed strength and sword, and Juni with her spells and ability to fly and turn into fire, all fought the beast. In the end the Saber tooth turned into ramen noodles and they all had a feast and got fat. The kids all loved the story and everyone fell right to sleep except me. I laid there for hours and hours and hours thinking that the night would never end. Our awesome new tent is basically just a huge mosquito net. It is wide open and you can see all around. I could not stop imagining a bear sniffing around the tent and rearing up and crashing down on us. I also had no air mattress and the worst sleeping bag. I was freezing. I was up until 2:30 just miserable until I shoved my feet into Paul's sleeping bag and the he gave me his new air mattress and I finally slept while he was miserable until 6:15 when I finally got up and started the fire. My whole family slept until 8:45! They never sleep that long at home. It was the LONGEST night of my life.  It's been 95 degrees everyday and I didn't even bring a jacket. Once it was finally over, we got back to having fun. I made bacon and eggs and cereal bars. The guys all went fishing. Paul carried all the boys across the river on his back.  Juni and I hiked and played in the tent. Then the boys came back and shot the BB guns. We played Uno and took funny photos and messed around. When it was time to pack up and hike out, there was a lot of whining and fighting and not helping and people saying they were too tired to walk and someone needed to carry them. That is par for the course though with this troop so it did not phase me. The setting was so sublime, it was all worth it. We listened to music letting each kid pick a song at a time all the way up and back. They all love Titanium and Radioactive. We also liked Phineus and Ferb songs. We look forward to our next camping trip where I will have my own pack, pad and sleeping bag. Someday all the kids will have their own packs too.  That's when it will get really fun.
When I asked everyone their favorite part of camping this is what they all said:

Paul: that we were all together.

Eirik: starting the fire 

Joren: peeing on the fire

Teig: shooting Bb Guns

Juni: eating marshmallows and Cheetos and dirt

Mom: when Paul gave me his air mattress and when a bear did not eat us. 

Fathers day primary interview

My dad always says: "kindness begins with me." Eirik

My dad always says,"be nice". Joren

My dad is really strong, he could lift:
"the universe" Eirik
"a 40 lbs weight!" Joren

My dads favorite food is: "root beer" Teig
"hot wings" Eirik

My dad really loves: "chopsticks." Teig

If my dad had time he would live to "play with me" Joren

My dad laughs when: "I fart" Eirik
"on Thursdays when I tickle him" Teig
"I'm awkward" Joren

I love my dad because: "he is so strong". Teig

Dry hair

Teig just told me that my hair was too dry. He said it looks like it needs water. He said it will die like my plants if it does not get water. Then he suggested a shower.

Grappeling to choose Joy.. not at the top of my game

Paul asked Eirik how the morning went. Eirik told him that mom was not in the best mood. She is only concerned about work and never about having fun.  Teig's prayers lately have been this: "thank you that we are all going to have a good time today. Thank you that Mommy's going to have a good time today... in the name ..."
Paul later asked me what has been bugging me. Is there something underlying my mood that I want to talk about. I told him I would try to write about it because it felt complicated.

There is an extra-super moon tonight. I asked Paul to walk outside with me for a while. It was a special night. We stopped to eat blackberries in the alley near our house. Paul asked me in different words than this, where my joy has gone. I didn't know it was gone, but he says it has. I have felt unwell, anxious, uneasy. For a summer that should be oozing joy from all the crevices of it, I am surprisingly anxious and reserved, snappy and lacking contentment. Why? I know it has something to do with perfection. Something to do with the chase of it and the utter unattainability of it. It has something to do with how close my house is to being presentable to have people over and yet the line where it is not embarrassing is out of fingers reach.  I'm sure it is exacerbated by my addiction to looking at gorgeous NON-lived in homes on Pinterest. Exploring how that is effecting our society is a giant topic. It has something to do with the never ending hurricane that roars around in my house messing everything up that I set out (kids). It could also be the never-ending state of change. Everything that is once fixed will soon be unfixed, marked, nicked, marred or otherwise destroyed. Every choice is never perfect, because there is always one better that will come along. Perfection is never attainable. Order is unattainable. I can chase it my whole life and never catch it but I still spend all day chasing it like a fool. It could also be that I am 37 and I have suddenly realized that my art is pretty terrible and I have little to show for the past few years creatively.   It could also be that I am so horribly hard on myself and realize it and dislike myself more for being hard on myself. That's pretty sick. So I look around and see everyone else in their imperfection and I love them for it, but when I am imperfect, I despise it. My poor poor children who can never ever live up to my expectations of perfection. I know I have to change, but I don't know how to stop being critical. I want to stop, but I can't. I want to be pleasant, but I am a beeatch who points out every error.

I've been reading the news a lot and trying to feel like I have something/ anything to say that does not bore people to death, ie, my husband. Yes, I'm more informed, but I'm so disturbed. That might have something to do with my mood. Christians being slaughtered, ebola, genital mutilation, homeless people being beaten to death, mothers disappearing from the town next to mine, ISIS invading, Palestinians being bombed... how can people read the news and be jazz hands happy about crafting and beautiful parties and poppies?  I'm not, I'm overwhelmed and scared. I want my kids to grow up in a place where they don't accidentally download an app and end up blackmailed by someone in another country. I worry that my 8 year old sons friends from church are playing adult video games that I won't even watch. And mostly I worry that Joseph Smith might have been a fraud. I know that was a big jump, but I guess that's my biggest fear. My life is built around a man we put on a pedestal as the mouthpiece for God in this dispensation and it really all hinges on him. Was he a true prophet or not? He was remarkable. He was brilliant. He was a phenomenal, charismatic leader and yet he lied about the Egyptian Papayra. He sent men on missions and then married their wives. How can I stand behind that? If I can't, then I am living a lie and it all crumbles around me. What do I have to rebuild with? I would have so much to learn. I am a Mormon. My ancestors all lived polygamy. I have lived breathed and slept all things Mormon all my life. I want it all to be true. I want it all to be true. 

Desperate Nester

We've lived in our new house for a little over a month. In retrospect I can admit that I have been in a desperate frenzy to establish our family in this place and feel settled. Living Nomadic for the past 10 years has finally come to a close. In all things there is no guarantee, but I have to hope that this time we can put down real roots that secure us and ground us here. I want to talk to the bank teller and know I might be seeing her in 30 years from now so noticing her and taking the time to get to know her is the formation of a long term relationship. I want the parents I meet at the school and sports events to be relationships that could have time to develop over the next few years. Nothing ruins that more than the feeling when you know you're moving soon. I like talking to the neighbors and knowing I could know them when their kids are grown.
I love our  house. It has bright white walls everywhere and wonderful light in every room. Our stuff we have collected our whole lives all fits so nicely together in this house like it was meant to be. We have the rooms we have always wanted to have. A room right near the kitchen that can be a homework, craft, mess room for all the family is something I have always dreamed of. Yes, I get that room. We also have a wonderful study that we bought some sweet new shelves for. I am in the process of decorating them and choosing the furniture for the rest of the room. Who hasn't always wanted library shelves in their study, raise your hand. Nobody, yeah, I thought so. I love them!
 These are the other things I have bought for the house:
A dining set for the back porch so we can eat outside
A new dresser and some end tables for our master bedroom
A new loft bed on craigslist for Eirik's room
A $5 filling cabinet for the study
A $10 dresser for Juni which I am going to put anthropology knobs on.
Two new small rugs.
It's been an expensive month, but I've had to buy surprisingly few things to get the spaces very functional and beautiful. When things all have a place and there are not unfinished projects all over, I do much better. Obsessing about the house is a teeny tiny problem for me and I keep thinking that if I finish these pressing projects I will be more relaxed in my home. It is working. I really want to get the exterior looking good too, but it is going to take some grading and some major work that I don't know how to do. I asked a landscaper to help us with those big things, but he has been pretty busy, (and I am impatient!) I also asked my contractor friend to build me a new rustic mantle. He bought a great chunk of reclaimed wood from an old Oregon Church to make into our mantle. I can't wait to see it. It's nice to see a list of all the things I have done in a month, because, of course, all I'm thinking about are all the things I still want to get done and forgetting to see all that is already done!

I suddenly got overwhelmed last night reading about the nightmarish ebola outbreak in Africa. I started wondering what it would be like to be quarantined in our new house for an extended amount of time. Would we have what we need? So, suddenly my list of things to do got a lot longer and canning lots of food started to weasel it's way onto my list. Oh, how I dread canning, but love eating canned food.  The canned tomato soup and pickles I made in Michigan were some of my favorite things ever. So, I'm trying to dare to can peaches with 3 littles this week. I think it might be a disaster, but onward march.

PS. Why am I being a desperate nester? I'm not pregnant!?!