Dry hair

Teig just told me that my hair was too dry. He said it looks like it needs water. He said it will die like my plants if it does not get water. Then he suggested a shower.

Grappeling to choose Joy.. not at the top of my game

Paul asked Eirik how the morning went. Eirik told him that mom was not in the best mood. She is only concerned about work and never about having fun.  Teig's prayers lately have been this: "thank you that we are all going to have a good time today. Thank you that Mommy's going to have a good time today... in the name ..."
Paul later asked me what has been bugging me. Is there something underlying my mood that I want to talk about. I told him I would try to write about it because it felt complicated.

There is an extra-super moon tonight. I asked Paul to walk outside with me for a while. It was a special night. We stopped to eat blackberries in the alley near our house. Paul asked me in different words than this, where my joy has gone. I didn't know it was gone, but he says it has. I have felt unwell, anxious, uneasy. For a summer that should be oozing joy from all the crevices of it, I am surprisingly anxious and reserved, snappy and lacking contentment. Why? I know it has something to do with perfection. Something to do with the chase of it and the utter unattainability of it. It has something to do with how close my house is to being presentable to have people over and yet the line where it is not embarrassing is out of fingers reach.  I'm sure it is exacerbated by my addiction to looking at gorgeous NON-lived in homes on Pinterest. Exploring how that is effecting our society is a giant topic. It has something to do with the never ending hurricane that roars around in my house messing everything up that I set out (kids). It could also be the never-ending state of change. Everything that is once fixed will soon be unfixed, marked, nicked, marred or otherwise destroyed. Every choice is never perfect, because there is always one better that will come along. Perfection is never attainable. Order is unattainable. I can chase it my whole life and never catch it but I still spend all day chasing it like a fool. It could also be that I am 37 and I have suddenly realized that my art is pretty terrible and I have little to show for the past few years creatively.   It could also be that I am so horribly hard on myself and realize it and dislike myself more for being hard on myself. That's pretty sick. So I look around and see everyone else in their imperfection and I love them for it, but when I am imperfect, I despise it. My poor poor children who can never ever live up to my expectations of perfection. I know I have to change, but I don't know how to stop being critical. I want to stop, but I can't. I want to be pleasant, but I am a beeatch who points out every error.

I've been reading the news a lot and trying to feel like I have something/ anything to say that does not bore people to death, ie, my husband. Yes, I'm more informed, but I'm so disturbed. That might have something to do with my mood. Christians being slaughtered, ebola, genital mutilation, homeless people being beaten to death, mothers disappearing from the town next to mine, ISIS invading, Palestinians being bombed... how can people read the news and be jazz hands happy about crafting and beautiful parties and poppies?  I'm not, I'm overwhelmed and scared. I want my kids to grow up in a place where they don't accidentally download an app and end up blackmailed by someone in another country. I worry that my 8 year old sons friends from church are playing adult video games that I won't even watch. And mostly I worry that Joseph Smith might have been a fraud. I know that was a big jump, but I guess that's my biggest fear. My life is built around a man we put on a pedestal as the mouthpiece for God in this dispensation and it really all hinges on him. Was he a true prophet or not? He was remarkable. He was brilliant. He was a phenomenal, charismatic leader and yet he lied about the Egyptian Papayra. He sent men on missions and then married their wives. How can I stand behind that? If I can't, then I am living a lie and it all crumbles around me. What do I have to rebuild with? I would have so much to learn. I am a Mormon. My ancestors all lived polygamy. I have lived breathed and slept all things Mormon all my life. I want it all to be true. I want it all to be true. 

Desperate Nester

We've lived in our new house for a little over a month. In retrospect I can admit that I have been in a desperate frenzy to establish our family in this place and feel settled. Living Nomadic for the past 10 years has finally come to a close. In all things there is no guarantee, but I have to hope that this time we can put down real roots that secure us and ground us here. I want to talk to the bank teller and know I might be seeing her in 30 years from now so noticing her and taking the time to get to know her is the formation of a long term relationship. I want the parents I meet at the school and sports events to be relationships that could have time to develop over the next few years. Nothing ruins that more than the feeling when you know you're moving soon. I like talking to the neighbors and knowing I could know them when their kids are grown.
I love our  house. It has bright white walls everywhere and wonderful light in every room. Our stuff we have collected our whole lives all fits so nicely together in this house like it was meant to be. We have the rooms we have always wanted to have. A room right near the kitchen that can be a homework, craft, mess room for all the family is something I have always dreamed of. Yes, I get that room. We also have a wonderful study that we bought some sweet new shelves for. I am in the process of decorating them and choosing the furniture for the rest of the room. Who hasn't always wanted library shelves in their study, raise your hand. Nobody, yeah, I thought so. I love them!
 These are the other things I have bought for the house:
A dining set for the back porch so we can eat outside
A new dresser and some end tables for our master bedroom
A new loft bed on craigslist for Eirik's room
A $5 filling cabinet for the study
A $10 dresser for Juni which I am going to put anthropology knobs on.
Two new small rugs.
It's been an expensive month, but I've had to buy surprisingly few things to get the spaces very functional and beautiful. When things all have a place and there are not unfinished projects all over, I do much better. Obsessing about the house is a teeny tiny problem for me and I keep thinking that if I finish these pressing projects I will be more relaxed in my home. It is working. I really want to get the exterior looking good too, but it is going to take some grading and some major work that I don't know how to do. I asked a landscaper to help us with those big things, but he has been pretty busy, (and I am impatient!) I also asked my contractor friend to build me a new rustic mantle. He bought a great chunk of reclaimed wood from an old Oregon Church to make into our mantle. I can't wait to see it. It's nice to see a list of all the things I have done in a month, because, of course, all I'm thinking about are all the things I still want to get done and forgetting to see all that is already done!

I suddenly got overwhelmed last night reading about the nightmarish ebola outbreak in Africa. I started wondering what it would be like to be quarantined in our new house for an extended amount of time. Would we have what we need? So, suddenly my list of things to do got a lot longer and canning lots of food started to weasel it's way onto my list. Oh, how I dread canning, but love eating canned food.  The canned tomato soup and pickles I made in Michigan were some of my favorite things ever. So, I'm trying to dare to can peaches with 3 littles this week. I think it might be a disaster, but onward march.

PS. Why am I being a desperate nester? I'm not pregnant!?!

A New Tradition Formed tonight

Today was amazing. Paul took his team from work on a guided kayaking adventure with Portland Kayaking Company. I got to go too! We set out from the marina right under I-205 and kayaked as a group under all the huge bridges south until we reached Ross island that we circumnavigated until we returned to the marina. We had great conversation and the weather could not have been more perfect! Paul works with such wonderful people. It was tons of fun but the day was not over! We payed the babysitter, the kids had naps and tv for a few hours then we all drive to Mount Taber Park that is an ancient forest and overlooks all of Portland all the way to the cascades! The kids loved the playground and we worked on monkey bars for a long time. Then we went to HOPworks which is a pizza place that exceeds all expectations. Awesome industrial exposed wood ceiling, rustic style with art that I loved on all the walls., great food that the kids all liked AND a kids area where the kids loved playing while we waited for their food!! Why don't more restaurants do this!!! We loved it! A new family tradition formed tonight. Portland is feeling more and more like home.

Joren's future life

I asked Joren as he snuggled into bed if he was achieving the goals he wants to in life.  He thought about it and then said, "No mom. I want to live in Hawaii and have soil everywhere with things growing all over and coconut trees. I'm going to have a turf backyard and I want to have palm trees in my front yard. I'm going to have a hammock instead of a bed. I want to live on a houseboat. I want to make my own houseboat so I can make it the way I want it. I want to have succulents and a pet parrot and a pet penguin and a pet dragon and lots of weaving and bracelets and a hacky sack.  Also a pet cat with a collar and lots of stuffed animals and real vines hanging from my ceiling. I don't want to pay bills. I want to use the water from the lake to water my garden. I want to have a bow staff and waterproof elephant boots.  I want a pet tortoise to ride on. I won't have a water bottle. I will have a canteen, and I don't like jeans. I don't want freckles, only red hair. I want a rock collection and shells and coral. Also I'm going to grow up to be an artist and I'm going to work in chalk.

Bulls are dangerous

"I know why bulls are attracted to red. If you hold up a bottle of red paint to a bull he will charge you and kill you and then lick the paint."
Teig

Juni 17 months

Paul just commented how amazing it is that Juni can talk so much without saying a word. She is 17 months old and she vocalizes all day long but she really only creates about 4 sensible words. She says Daddy for sure and for at least a month her one and only word was shoes. She's very concerned with shoes. We were trying to leave one day and I said "Juni, can you find my shoes?" and she did!! She brought both of them to me. I was shocked. She said ball for the first time yesterday and she can say hi (sort of). Her other sure word is Lucy. We have been watching Jeanette's dog for almost two weeks and Juni loves to give Lucy her food and eat Lucy's food out of Lucy's dog bowl. In fact there isn't much Juni won't eat as long as she can find it on the floor, in a trash can or some other gross place. I know she is not the first child to suck on a used cigarette butt, (the horror), and it's not uncommon to find rocks and dirt in her mouth. If she can sit down in the dirt and put it in her hair and eat it, she certainly will. She puts anything and everything into her mouth, except at mealtimes. Feeding her is a challenge, not only because she drops her food on the floor for Lucy, but because she has an uncanny ability to mutilate any food item into the smallest stickiest morsels, spread them everywhere and not end up eating a thing! She likes cheese sticks and hot dogs the best. Ugh. She loves her milk. She loves candy and if anyone in the house is eating candy its like she can smell it in the air and she is at their feet begging. Clever girl. She hates to be fed and will always grab the fork or spoon from me to eat if I try to help her. she also loves to eat erasers off of pencils. I swear there is nothing she likes more. She can find a pencil anywhere and just starts gnawing. She has been doing it her whole life. It's so habitual I would call it one of her favorite things in the world.
Joren is very protective of his room and his stuff. He organizes and lays out all his belongings very precisely which makes Juni's presence in his room a recipe for a seriously volatile situation! Juni seems to know how much he hates her moving his stuff around so she tries to do it more. It drives him crazy! Joren has this little stuffed chair I covered for Teig when he was a baby that he has claimed for his own. Juni loves it and daily will go in Jorens room and take the things off it that he has carefully placed there and sit in it. Joren just loses it!
Juni loves her brothers! She banged her head repeatedly on the headboard this morning to make us laugh. She is super good natured. I have to wake her up from her naps all the time to go to swimming or soccer or Tae quan do or arts camp and she always just smiles and goes along. What a trooper! She is always up for having fun. She smiles all the time, unless of course she's giving you her famous stink eye. She has a pout face that can melt anyone. The boys sometimes try to say mean things to her to get her to give them the pout face because it's so cute. I've been putting her hair in pigtails for a few weeks and I'm not kidding; she's too cute for words. She's so lucky to be a baby, she gets to wear sundresses just about every day. She loves to swim and at the pool she is a constant danger to herself because she is so adventurous. No fear! She's recently stopped pulling everything out of the cupboards, but she is still a whirlwind. I just walk behind her trying to keep up with the giant messes she is capable of constantly making. I know this exploration stage does not last that long and I am committed to laugh through it. That's the only way to survive! :)

Eirik's summer adventure

I'm picking Eirik up from the airport right now. He got to go on a trip with Jeanette and Jake. They took off 10 days ago and traveled through the Tetons, through Yellowstone and down to Utah. Along the way they got to ride horses, run from herds of bison, get dangerously close to a grizzly mama and her cub, kayak, and sleep in tents and under the stars. Knoowing Jeanette there were probably plenty of treats and spoiling on top of that. After Jeanette dropped him off at his cousins house in Provo and swam
in their pool for an afternoon, my mom picked him up for another weekend of camping adventure with my parents, my sister Amy and her family and Michael and maybe day and Tera, (I have to check) on about thursday, Eirik's excitement about being away from home was whaning and by Saturday he was definitely ready to come home. He caught a serious cade of "homesick" so we flew him home early. To be honest, it was too long for me too. He was scheduled to drive back with Jeanette tomorrow and take 3-4 days camping on the way back. We all miss our Eirik too much to let him stay that long. I'm excited to see him. (and might I say, a bit jealous of all his amazing adventures!)

Boys are different than girls

"Mom can I watch a movie where someone gets killed in a war or something?" asked Teig the day before his 4th birthday. "Hmmm.. have you ever seen a movie like that before?" I asked. "no, I just want to." he replied.
Hmmm... A day later I am still trying to decide how to process this request.

Heavenly Father! I love that guy!

Teig just yelled, " Heavenly Father! I love that guy! He makes movies and ... US and ... Everyfing!"

I'm a vegitator. I vegitate

"I don't do chicken mom. I'm a vegitator. I vegitate, but I don't eat poisen ivy."
Teig age 3

"What is the tooth fairy?"

"What is the tooth fairy?" asked 3 yr old Teig.  "It's a witch to take your tooths away." replied Joren.

5 weeks into our new home

We bought a dresser with carved drawers and matching end tables. So pretty!
Paul was home all weekend and for the first time since we moved in we did not have company or have to go anywhere. Paul took a big interest in getting the house together. It is the first time he has had any chunk of time since we moved in to help. I have felt pretty alone in the whole thing and was starting to getting pretty frustrated, but I'm back to being a very very happy and lucky wife.  I just like to have my husband around now and then and he has been pretty busy. He gives so much at work that he comes home and just shuts down most days so I loved getting some real Paul for the weekend. We worked on the yard and brainstormed ideas for the garden. This weekend was the Old Time Fair for our little city of Willamette. We got up Saturday and walked literally one block and sat on the curb to watch our parade. Then we walked one block home, had breakfast and then walked down the hill to the fair. It was magical. This community is amazing. We got neighbors in a cute rental next door. Its a family from Florida and I met right after they arrived from a cross country drive from Florida with two babies. I made them dinner and took it right over. They could not have been more appreciative. I think we will be good friends. I also love the people across the street. She let me help her choose some paint colors for their remodel and they loved my choices.

I feel like I have been living for tomorrow since Paul and I got married, scrimping and saving and never buying anything while preparing for the future.  Now suddenly all our work is paying off and we are living for today!  It is suddenly the future and we are buying the things we always wanted to buy but haven't. Paul is getting a Harley this weekend. I bought my oil paints. Paul bought a guitar, we are buying gorgeous furniture. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. My house is coming together so wonderfully.  I love it!

I got called to be singing time leader in primary. I love teaching senior primary. I had those kids having so much fun today. We had a blast. I'm not so great with the younger kids, but the big kids love me. :)

Teig has been tantrum king lately! Joren is getting weirder every day, and Eirik could not be more whiney, but on the other hand, Teig looked at me today and said, "Mom, when I grow up, will you marry me?" Joren asked me to build him a jungle in his room so I cut out felt leaves and tissue paper leaves and hot glued them to green twine and made him a wall of jungle. Eirik is so tender and earnest and right at the crossroads of making big life decisions about what he believes.  Every day I wonder if I am being patient enough and taking enough time with him, and everyday I know I have come up short. I helped him unpack his room today finally. He had no interest before and didn't miss anything that was still in boxes so we took a long time, and it was painfully tedious. It was all I could do not to do it for him, but I wanted him to learn to put things away. I wish I was a better, more patient person!  I love that kid so much and sometimes I can't see past my own nose to be empathetic to 8 yr old feelings. Why is it so hard for me to understand  that 4 pocketknives are not enough, or that my boys can't go to sleep until they tuck every stuffed animal in with tissue paper wad pillows and kisses before they can go to sleep? They are precious! The tantrums will pass, Joren will be weird, but he is authentic and brilliant. Eirik may need a lot of attention, but when he gains independence at something his level of capability is extremely high. What he does, he does very well. He is an incredible leader. I went to scout camp with him this week and he was always the one with the flag leading the group. He always knew were to go, where things were, always had a plan. He is capable, trustworthy and I would be happy to follow him when he grows into a man. I learn so much from him. Daily I have to check my pride and try to be worthy to be his mother. Sometimes I am appalled while reflecting on my behavior.  I pray they are all resilient because I catch myself rolling my eyes, acting put out by their requests, and throwing tantrums when they make messes. I ask myself when am I going to pull it together and cut out that crappy behavior.  I started a hot air balloon chart and it is working great. Their balloon rises as they make good choices and have a good attitude and it lowers as they fight or have tantrums. Teig will loose his star wars blanket if it gets to the bottom. Oh No...! Eirik is so worried he will really lose it that he goes to great lengths to try to help him get points up. So cute.
Juni is into everything! She did something to the computer that made a sweep of the whole hard drive and erased all the programs! luckily it did not erase any documents or photos! She loves to play in the sink. I think I change her clothes about 5 times a day. she has been the voice of one word for about a month, "shoe". She loves to bring people shoes, find her own shoes and throws a fit if she can't find her shoes or get them on. Well, a fit for her is like a 1 on a Teig tantrum scale. She's really a very easy baby! I've been putting her in high side pigtails that are slaying me with her cuteness! Ahh, SO CUTE!!!!
Joren and Teig got gymnastics camp for a week last week. They loved it. Teig is in soccer and swimming lessons this week.
I can't believe summer is almost over! NOOOO

Teig:

How old is mommy? 27
How old is daddy? 7

"I was wike dis. (scared face). I just shot a huge ice berg at them and and and and um um dis aliens name is just ice. I shot around de town and ven I I I jumped over it an an I shot an ice frew the bad guys heart. See this disk right here. It helps me turn back into a human."

Teigs cookie recipe

"First you put 2 bags of chocolate chips and ven some powdered sugar and stir them around and ven 4 rotten eggs and stir it around and ven add the magic infrequent, more cookie powder. Scratch claw loves these kinds of cookies. I give one to scratch claw and the rest to his teammates. He shares them. One time on Thursday he got sick 8 times by eating too many cookies. Like from the grass to the cloud of cookies. Then I buy him 6 million more medicine so he will not get sick and then he gave me back my money and I said, "what, scratch claw gave them all back and I still have money!"