Aligning with the Light

It started with a mini break-down. I was struck by the realization that I was not the same as I had been in MI and not in the best way. I had lost some of my confidence and outgoing nature. I realized I had let myself get intimidated by Oregon and this new life. I expected it to be hard for me to fit in, so it had been coming true. I realized that it had been 1.5 years and I was not where I wanted to be socially and emotionally. I told Paul I was lonely.  He told me that if I wasn't happy then it was my fault. If I want something then I need to take it. No one is going to give it to me. Then he pointed out how he was getting everything in life that he wanted because he's been taking it. He's been overwhelmingly successful this year. So proud of him!
This conversation happened about the same time as I was wondering why my brothers weren't out grabbing life by the shoestrings and getting what they want from it. I was also reading some scriptures and was struck by a scripture about faith vs. fear So, I examined my life and realized, quite profoundly that I had opened a little pathway for faith to slip out and fears to slip in. What a difference this paradigm made in my life! While Paul was blossoming, I was fading. I was holding myself back by my own false beliefs. All I had to do to change it was to remind myself that:

"If thou canst believe, all things are 

possible to him that believeth." 

Mark 9:23

"If ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you."

 Alma 32:27

"Cast your eyes about and begin to believe in the Son."

Alma 33: 22

"Today if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts; for why will ye die?"

Jacob 6:6

My testimony has not been as strong this year because I had let some doubts from some anti Mormon literature seep into my thinking. There is no doubt that Joseph Smith's story is hard to believe.  People have thrown stones at it from the beginning with so much venomous hate that they even killed him.  I spent time watching videos preachers from other faiths have made against polygamy; I read the beginning of "Rough stone rolling" and talked with some friends who are full of doubts.  Some things they said were like little irritating splinters to my faith. Luckily our spiritual lives are immensely complex and the depth of spiritual knowledge that I have accumulated is rooted deep enough that all these sources I explored and opened my mind to acted only like a drought to my tree of knowledge. It has been a year of withering, yet as soon as I watered my tree with the scriptures and my memories of what I know through my experiences, my strength has come back. I also have wonderful in-laws who spoke to me at length about my concerns and even wrote me a 5 page letter of testimony.  My sister in law Jeanette shared her testimony with me that gave me the footing I needed to get back to the place where the rain (spirit) could seep in. She said that she believes that there is good all over in the world, that most religions have a lot of truth, and we all choose a way to show our devotion. Being true to our chosen way to show God our commitment to him is what makes us a good person.   Going to the temple and keeping the covenants we made there is my way.  Having an accountability in this life is an incredible tool. Having a temple recommend interview every two years is invaluable to helping each of us stay worthy of God's spirit.

I received an incredible gift from my aunt Dyanne for Christmas. For years she has been doing an immense work of gathering every word ever written by my ancestors on the Law side and compiling it into 4 massive books. In preparation for reading them, I thought I should read the history of the church student manual so that I would have a better framework to place all the events of my ancestors into. What a blessing it has been to read this book! I have heard so much negative this year about our church history that it is incredibly refreshing to hear it straight from the source and even if it's buttered over and caulked in, I appreciate reading about the integrity of our leaders from the beginning. I love reading the stories of immense faith and the miracles that followed. I love learning of heros that spent their lives in extraordinary service to God and to man. The selflessness and faith of the early saints is awe inspiring, and to think that my ancestry is a huge part of this story grips me with wonder. 

Whether or not I understand all the details of this church's origin, the truth of God's hand in my life is undeniable. I was literally guided by the hand off a temporary assembly line job at 6:30 AM in the fall of 1997 to UVSC and the institute building where the director of the institute recognized me from meeting me the year before in CO and said he had been expecting me. This was in direct answer to my prayer about where to go to college. I had decided not to go and just to work instead. I testify that my powers alone did not drive me to UVSC that day or get me registered for classes, or get me in-state tuition (still a mystery how I qualified).  I was guided by the hand of God when I had no hand of man to help me. From my time at institute I was healed of spiritual wounds I had acquired and filled with knowledge and faith to prepare me for a life devoted to God. If I had nothing else to testify to me that God is real, this experience alone would be enough.  Gloriously, his hand has been with me ever since. All I have had to do is 'cast my eyes about' to witness His Glory and see his presence in my life.

Last year I was wilting. Deiter F. Uchtorf describes what was happening to me in his Oct. 14 conference talk: Receiving a Testimony of Light and Truth

"If we remove ourselves from the light of the gospel, our own light begins to dim—not in a day or a week but gradually over time—until we look back and can’t quite understand why we had ever believed the gospel was true. Our previous knowledge might even seem foolish to us because what once was so clear has again become blurred, hazy, and distant.

This is why Paul was so insistent that the message of the gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing, “but unto [those who] are saved it is the power of God.”¹⁴

Since I have alligned myself with God again, the belief that through Him all things are possible has allowed me in a short time to begin to blossom again. I am unafraid to make friends, to speak to people I would not have before, to share the gospel, to believe in myself. I noticed my kids were starting to act as if they were afraid of the big bad world. I realized my fears of all the evil in the world was starting to taint their spirits instead of fill them with faith and optimism. And last week I thought to pray to be able to break through my fears of painting and made some huge strides! I also ran my first 5 miles in my life. That was exhilarating. Making my new years resolutions was almost impossible because I was nearly crippled by fear and could not think of what goals I dared to make. With this shift in my life, I have made a big list of goals. I'm excited again. 

God is good. God is Light. God is real. Praise His name!