Homesick

I finally got the guts to tell Paul how sad I felt about going to Oregon.  I have been trying not to feel sad, but to feel excited and happy.  After admitting my feelings, and crying for a bit, and talking again about how Utah just won't work out, I told him I just need to mourn my loss for a while.  I feel I am losing my family all over again.  I have spent a lot of my time away thinking that it is good for me to be away from them to develop my own strength or to bond with Paul.  I have spent some time feeling glad I am not near them because I thought I would get too frustrated with my brothers for not going to college and I feared my frustration would drive a wedge between us.  But really, those feelings just helped me not be so homesick and I fostered them so I would be ok.  I miss them and long for home.  I just miss them so much.